Joke

[Dead Planet]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

 

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. 'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!'

 

 

'I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.'

 

 

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...'You idiot!

 

You're sitting on the mop bucket!'

[Rockposer]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

 

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. 'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!'

 

 

'I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.'

 

 

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...'You idiot!

 

You're sitting on the mop bucket!'

Nice

[Dead Planet]

Gynecologist's Asst..wanted

 

A young man goes into a Job Center in New York and

sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more; 'Can you give me some more

details?' he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting

the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the

women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash

their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently

shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that

they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of $95,000, but you're going

to have to go to Los Angeles. '

'Good grief, is that where the job is?'

'No sir --- that's where the end of the line is right now.

>

[KarpetRydOFunk]

From Yahoo news this morning. Brilliant.

 

 

President George W. Bush will leave behind a legacy of Bushisms, the label stamped on the U.S. leaders original speaking style. Some of the president's more notable malapropisms and mangled statements:

 

-"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - September 2000, explaining his energy policies at an event in Michigan.

 

-"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" - January 2000, during a campaign event in South Carolina.

 

-"They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the commander-in-chief, too." - Sept. 26, 2001, in Langley, Va. Bush was referring to the terrorists who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks.

 

-"There's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." - Oct. 4, 2001, in Washington. Bush was remarking on a back-to-work plan after the terrorist attacks.

 

- "It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber." - April 10, 2002, at the White House, as Bush urged Senate passage of a broad ban on cloning.

 

- "I want to thank the dozens of welfare-to-work stories, the actual examples of people who made the firm and solemn commitment to work hard to embetter themselves." - April 18, 2002, at the White House.

 

-"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." - Sept. 17, 2002, in Nashville, Tenn.

 

-"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defence spending bill.

 

-"Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." - Sept. 6, 2004, at a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo.

 

- "Our most abundant energy source is coal. We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge." - April 20, 2005, in Washington.

 

- "We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job." - Sept. 20, 2005, in Gulfport, Miss.

 

-"I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbours back into neighbourhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs." - Sept. 5, 2005, when Bush met with residents of Poplarville, Miss., in the wake of hurricane Katrina.

 

-"It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war." - June 29, 2006, at the White House, where Bush met with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.

 

-"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." - Dec. 7, 2006, in a joint appearance with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

 

- "These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." - June 11, 2007, in Sofia, Bulgaria.

 

- "Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for your introduction. Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit." - September 2007, in Sydney, Australia, where Bush was attending an APEC summit.

 

-"Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech." April 16, 2008, at a ceremony welcoming Pope Benedict to the White House.

 

-"The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." - May 27, 2008, in Mesa, Ariz.

 

-"And they have no disregard for human life." - July 15, 2008, at the White House. Bush was referring to enemy fighters in Afghanistan.

 

- "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office." - June 26, 2008, during a Rose Garden news briefing.

 

-"Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people." - July 4, 2008 in Virginia.

 

- "This thaw - took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." Oct. 20, 2008, in Alexandria, La., as he discussed the economy and frozen credit markets.

[Dead Planet]

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits

> By Pam Ayres

>

> Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers, Not flashed them

> to boys behind the school lockers, Or let them get fondled by randy

> old dockers, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

>

> 'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.

> It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning, And those dirty memories

> are rapidly dimming, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

>

> 'Cos tits can be such troublesome things When they no longer bounce,

> but dangle and swing.

> And although they go well with my Bingo wings, I wish I'd looked

> after me tits.

>

> When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow, When it's not the

> sweet chariot that swings low, When they're less of a friend and more

> of a foe, Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

>

> When I was young I got whistles and hoots, From the men on the site

> to the men in the suits, Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me

> boots, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

>

> When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters, Cruising around with

> my favourite suitors.

> Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters, I wish I'd

> looked after me tits.

>

> When they follow behind and get trapped in the door, When they're

> less in the air and more near the floor, When people see less of them

> rather than more, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

>

>

>

>Pass on to all your female girlfriends of a certain age and to any

>males of that age,who you think Can handle it......in spite of

>themselves!!!!

>

[Dead Planet]

> An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

> She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of

> a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

>

>Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,

> 'It's only someone having the holes cut into her shoulder blades for

>the wings.'

>

> The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the

> conversation.

> Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

>

>'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

>

> 'Don't worry,' says St. Peter,

> 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

>

> 'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

>

> 'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.

> 'You'll be raped and sodomized.'

>

> 'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for

> that.'

>

[Fat Freddy]

This joke is old as hell and you've probably all heard it already, but I'm gonna post it anyway...

 

A trio of explorers, lost in the Amazon jungle, are captured by a tribe of vicious cannibals and are brought back to the cannibal village. The three are tied to trees in the middle of the village square and surrounded by the tribe, until the chief comes out of his hut.

He walks up to the first prisoner, looks him in the eye, and snarls, "Death... or BUNGA-BUNGA?"

The explorer looks puzzled and then says "Well, I don't know what Bunga-Bunga is, but it certainly can't be as bad as Death. So I choose Bunga-Bunga."

The Chief screams "BUNGA-BUNGA!"

The prisoner is untied from the tree, bent over a stone altar with his pants down, and fifty cannibals line up to screw him in the ass, one by one.

 

The chief then moves on to the second prisoner, looks him in the eye, and says "Death... or BUNGA-BUNGA?"

The second prisoner says "Well, it looks HORRIBLE, but it still beats death. So I will also choose Bunga-Bunga.

The chief screams "BUNGA-BUNGA!" again.

The prisoner is untied, bent over the altar with his pants down, and this time one hundred cannibals line up to screw him in the ass, one by one.

 

The chief finally approaches the final prisoner, looks him in the eye and asks again: "Death... or BUNGA-BUNGA?"

The third explorer straightens his back and says in a haughty tone of voice, "Well, SOMEONE has to be the honorable one around here. I choose DEATH."

 

The chief turns to his tribe and screams at the top of his lungs, "DEATH........!"

 

 

 

(wait for it)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

".............BY BUNGA-BUNGA!"

[Dead Planet]

This joke is old as hell and you've probably all heard it already, but I'm gonna post it anyway...

 

A trio of explorers, lost in the Amazon jungle, are captured by a tribe of vicious cannibals and are brought back to the cannibal village. The three are tied to trees in the middle of the village square and surrounded by the tribe, until the chief comes out of his hut.

He walks up to the first prisoner, looks him in the eye, and snarls, "Death... or BUNGA-BUNGA?"

The explorer looks puzzled and then says "Well, I don't know what Bunga-Bunga is, but it certainly can't be as bad as Death. So I choose Bunga-Bunga."

The Chief screams "BUNGA-BUNGA!"

The prisoner is untied from the tree, bent over a stone altar with his pants down, and fifty cannibals line up to screw him in the ass, one by one.

 

The chief then moves on to the second prisoner, looks him in the eye, and says "Death... or BUNGA-BUNGA?"

The second prisoner says "Well, it looks HORRIBLE, but it still beats death. So I will also choose Bunga-Bunga.

The chief screams "BUNGA-BUNGA!" again.

The prisoner is untied, bent over the altar with his pants down, and this time one hundred cannibals line up to screw him in the ass, one by one.

 

The chief finally approaches the final prisoner, looks him in the eye and asks again: "Death... or BUNGA-BUNGA?"

The third explorer straightens his back and says in a haughty tone of voice, "Well, SOMEONE has to be the honorable one around here. I choose DEATH."

 

The chief turns to his tribe and screams at the top of his lungs, "DEATH........!"

 

 

 

(wait for it)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

".............BY BUNGA-BUNGA!"

 

 

 

Okay that is funny as hell and I haven't heard it before......

[cdjunky41]

Here's an oldie, but it still makes me chuckle.

 

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

 

A lickalotapuss!!!

[Doksdad]

Here's an oldie, but it still makes me chuckle.

 

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

 

A lickalotapuss!!!

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

 

Brontasoreass.....

[cdjunky41]

Here's an oldie, but it still makes me chuckle.

 

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

 

A lickalotapuss!!!

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

 

Brontasoreass.....

[Jez]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

 

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

 

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

 

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

 

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

 

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

 

The Aussie said 'One!'

 

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

 

How much was the sale for?'

 

 

'£124,237.64p.'

 

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,23764!! What the hell did you sell him?'

 

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

 

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

 

 

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

 

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

 

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

 

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

[Swazi]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

 

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

 

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

 

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

 

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

 

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

 

The Aussie said 'One!'

 

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

 

How much was the sale for?'

 

 

'£124,237.64p.'

 

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,23764!! What the hell did you sell him?'

 

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

 

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

 

 

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

 

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

 

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

 

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

 

:rofl2: AWESOME !!!

[Jez]

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Luton Town (alleged Football Team) top

walked into ASDA (food superstore) in Luton (a sprawling shit hole of a council estate in South England) with her two kids, yelling

obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

The ASDA shop assistant said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are

they twins by any chance?'

 

The hideous woman stopped yelling long enough to say,'Fuck no, they're not fucking twins you c**t. The oldest one's 9, and the

other one's 7.

Why the fuck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just fucking

stupid?' ........................................................

 

 

 

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the shop assistant. 'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.

 

Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'

[aMetalhead1966]

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Luton Town (alleged Football Team) top

walked into ASDA (food superstore) in Luton (a sprawling shit hole of a council estate in South England) with her two kids, yelling

obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

The ASDA shop assistant said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are

they twins by any chance?'

 

The hideous woman stopped yelling long enough to say,'Fuck no, they're not fucking twins you c**t. The oldest one's 9, and the

other one's 7.

Why the fuck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just fucking

stupid?' ........................................................

 

 

 

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the shop assistant. 'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.

 

Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'

[Faron]

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Luton Town (alleged Football Team) top

walked into ASDA (food superstore) in Luton (a sprawling shit hole of a council estate in South England) with her two kids, yelling

obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

The ASDA shop assistant said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are

they twins by any chance?'

 

The hideous woman stopped yelling long enough to say,'Fuck no, they're not fucking twins you c**t. The oldest one's 9, and the

other one's 7.

Why the fuck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just fucking

stupid?' ........................................................

 

 

 

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the shop assistant. 'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.

 

Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'

 

Classic

[Fat Freddy]

Another old (but dumb) one:

 

An Indian chief walks into a drug store and asks to speak to the pharmacist.

He says, "Rubber you sell chief no good. Chief go 'ugh.' Squaw go 'ugh.' Rubber go 'boom'."

The pharmacist picks a box of condoms off the rack and says "try these, they're stronger than the ones I sold you last time."

 

Next day, the Chief is back. "Rubber you sell Chief no good. Chief go 'ugh,' Squaw go 'ugh,' rubber go 'boom'."

The pharmacist, a little annoyed this time, grabs another box off the rack and says, "Then try THESE. They're the strongest ones on the market."

 

Next day, you guessed it, The Chief is back. "Rubber you sell Chief STILL no good. Chief go 'ugh,' Squaw go 'ugh,' rubber STILL go 'boom'."

By now the pharmacist is getting a little pissed off. He goes into the back room and saws a few inches off the end of an iron pipe. He welds one end of the pipe shut, and stretches a condom over the entire thing. He hands it to the Chief and says, "Okay, try THIS. This rubber is GUARANTEED not to break."

 

Next day, the Squaw comes in. She walks up to the pharmacy counter and says, "Rubber you sell Chief TOO good. Chief go 'ugh,' Squaw go 'ugh,' Chief's balls go BOOM!"

[KarpetRydOFunk]

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Luton Town (alleged Football Team) top

walked into ASDA (food superstore) in Luton (a sprawling shit hole of a council estate in South England) with her two kids, yelling

obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

The ASDA shop assistant said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are

they twins by any chance?'

 

The hideous woman stopped yelling long enough to say,'Fuck no, they're not fucking twins you c**t. The oldest one's 9, and the

other one's 7.

Why the fuck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just fucking

stupid?' ........................................................

 

 

 

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the shop assistant. 'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.

 

Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'

 

Classic

What? So, some woman from Luton (pardon my language) really was shagged twice? From Luton (pardon my language)? Remind me never to step foot in Luton (pardon my language).

[Geoff]

A guy goes to the doctor's. As soon as the doctor comes into the room he says "Sir, you have to stop masturbating so violently!" The guy asks "Why?" The doctor says, "So I can examine you."

-------------------------------------------------------------

So Dahmer has his mother over for dinner and she says, "Jeffery, I don't like your friends."

So he says, "Fine. Just eat your vegetables then."

--------------------------------------------------------------

A guy throws two sausages in the frying pan.

 

One sausage screams "Oh my good we are being burned alive!"

 

The other screams "Oh my god a talking sausage!"

[manicego]

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart.

 

Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

 

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and then you suddenly realize. ..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

. . . . . . . You're listening to your I-pod!

[Jez]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears

or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

 

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie'. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,

a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes'. 'Can he see alright'?, Johnnie asked the mother.

Yes' the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

 

That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.

[Geoff]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears

or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

 

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie'. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,

a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes'. 'Can he see alright'?, Johnnie asked the mother.

Yes' the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

 

That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.

lol

[Glen]

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai TV refused to broadcast The Flintstones.

 

A spokesman said Dubai people wont understand the humour, but those in Abu Dhabi do.

[Glen]

One for the UK guys -

 

 

Ulrika has just been kicked out of big brother after being caught smuggling a mobile phone into the BB house.

 

A spokesman for Big Brother stated that it wasnt the first time she'd had an Ericsson up her arse.

[Glen]

A new EU initiative has decided that you are no longer allowed to use the word Pikey.

 

You must now use the phrase 'Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers'

 

Or C.U.N.T s for short.