Joke

[Faron]

Cowboy Chili

 

 

 

*A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga , Wyoming . He sits at the

 

counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly

 

at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there

 

staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you

 

ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The older cowboy slowly turns his

 

head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah,

 

you go ahead.' *

 

*Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his

 

place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the

 

bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very

 

shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl. *

 

*The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.' *

 

[Faron]

BE STRONG

 

 

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.While he is in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants intercourse, don't resist, just do what he tells you! This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very attractive, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

 

Classic

[Dave]

Welcome to the Family!!

 

 

 

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for

over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little

thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and

generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.

 

 

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the

wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me

that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She

told me that she wanted me just once

Before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going

upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up

and get me.'

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood

there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front

door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very

happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man

for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

 

 

And the moral of this story is:

 

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Faron]

Welcome to the Family!!

 

 

 

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for

over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little

thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and

generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.

 

 

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the

wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me

that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She

told me that she wanted me just once

Before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going

upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up

and get me.'

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood

there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front

door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very

happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man

for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

 

 

And the moral of this story is:

 

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

An oldie but a goodie

[Faron]

John Bradford, a University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

 

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

 

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

 

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

 

"Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

[Faron]

A little birdie told me this one...

 

"A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

'The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.

'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'"

[Dead Planet]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business

 

trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly

 

Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

 

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped

 

the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like

 

a ride.

 

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into

 

the car.

 

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make

 

a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old

 

woman just sat silently, looking intently at

 

everything she saw, studying every little detail,

 

until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to

 

Sally.

 

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

 

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's

 

a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or

 

two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

 

'Good trade.....'

[Faron]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business

 

trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly

 

Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

 

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped

 

the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like

 

a ride.

 

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into

 

the car.

 

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make

 

a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old

 

woman just sat silently, looking intently at

 

everything she saw, studying every little detail,

 

until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to

 

Sally.

 

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

 

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's

 

a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or

 

two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

 

'Good trade.....'

 

[Jez]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

 

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

 

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

 

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

 

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

 

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

 

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

 

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!

And to what school would you have been going'?

 

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

 

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

 

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

 

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

 

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

 

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

 

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

 

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'

[Faron]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

 

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

 

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

 

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

 

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

 

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

 

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

 

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!

And to what school would you have been going'?

 

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

 

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

 

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

 

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

 

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

 

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

 

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

 

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'

 

[Dead Planet]

An Irish Priest in Texas

 

 

 

 

Father O'Malley, an Irish priest, was transferred to Texas.

 

He rose from his bed one morning on a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

 

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

 

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

 

He promptly called the local police station ......

 

The conversation went like this:

 

'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

 

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.

 

There's a jackass lying dead on me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'

 

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

 

There was dead silence on the line for a moment ...........................................

 

 

Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

[Dead Planet]

The Man Rules

 

 

 

These are our rules!

Please note.. These are all numbered '1 '

ON PURPOSE!

 

 

1.Men are NOT mind readers.

 

1.Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1.Sunday sports It's like the full moon

Or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

 

1.Crying is blackmail.

 

1.Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

 

1.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1.Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

 

1.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

 

 

1.If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

 

1.If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

 

1.You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1.Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1.Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

 

1.ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1.If it itches, it will be scratched..

We do that.

 

1.If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

 

1.Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

 

 

1.You have enough clothes.

 

1.You have too many shoes.

 

1.I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 

1.Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

 

 

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Dave]

They had this on our news the other day. It's not a joke but I laughed my arse off .

 

Turn the volume up right at the start

 

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrBaV5MvX_4

[Faron]

They had this on our news the other day. It's not a joke but I laughed my arse off .

 

Turn the volume up right at the start

 

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrBaV5MvX_4

 

Dave, this is IMO the funniest thing ever posted here, my eyes are watering from laughing that much, my kind of humour

[Dave]

They had this on our news the other day. It's not a joke but I laughed my arse off .

 

Turn the volume up right at the start

 

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrBaV5MvX_4

 

Dave, this is IMO the funniest thing ever posted here, my eyes are watering from laughing that much, my kind of humour

 

I still keep laughing my arse off even when I just think of it I'm probably laughing more at the guy you continually hear chuckling in the background whilst that lady is trying to speak

If I had of been in that room when that happened, I would have been laughing that loud, I would have had to have got up and walked out because I would not have been able to stop pissin' myself laughing.

I was just waiting for someone to yell out "Who did that?"

My type of humour as well

[glam_junkie]

SOme really bad ones....

 

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and

sexy, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

-------

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I had to stop w-anking.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

 

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I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean,

a ginger kid, with two friends?

 

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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and

thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's

innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an

insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with

a c0ck like that."

 

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--------------------------------------------

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in

front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

 

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-----------------------

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.

Took her out with one punch.

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-------

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

 

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-----

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was

caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to

be curious about 5ex at that age."

"Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

 

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-------------------------

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a

gravestone. I said "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

 

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-----------------

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

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-----------------------

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

 

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------------------------

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth

floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[manicego]

>> I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth

floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" <<

 

[aMetalhead1966]

A Guy goes into a bar followed by his fellow bass players.

It seems an orchestra was playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

and the bass section had a 20 minute break between parts, so the

conductor gave them permission to leave the stage during the

part of the performance where they were not needed. So the

basses left the stage and went across the street to the bar for

a beer.Then it became two beers, then three...then four.

Finally someone say they should head back, but the head

bassist says "Don't Worry..Before the concert I used a piece

of string to tie the last two pages of the score together

The Conductor will have to slow down the symphony until

he unites it with his free hand".So the Basses have a few more

beers, then decide to return to the concert hall just in time

to see the conductor untie the score. He gives them a stern

look when he sees them stumble in. After all, it was the

bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied and the Basses were

loaded.

[Glen]

Michael Jackson has just announced his dates for the UK tour.

 

They are Joe aged 4, David aged 5, Colin aged 6 and Andrew aged 7

[Glen]

The wife has just gone into hospital with a black eye and a broken jaw..........

 

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio

[Glen]

For the UK guys -

 

Fairy Liquid's new advert set in Liverpool -

 

'Mummy, why are your hands so soft?'

 

'Because Im only 15 - now shut up and eat for fuckin pot noodle'

[Jez]

Michael Jackson has just announced his dates for the UK tour.

 

They are Joe aged 4, David aged 5, Colin aged 6 and Andrew aged 7

 

 

Oh how true. Don't forget Little Jimmy aged 5

[Jez]

For the UK guys -

 

Fairy Liquid's new advert set in Liverpool -

 

'Mummy, why are your hands so soft?'

 

'Because Im only 15 - now shut up and eat for fuckin pot noodle'

 

 

 

Eh Eh, Calm down, calm down!!

[Fat Freddy]

Michael Jackson has just announced his dates for the UK tour.

 

They are Joe aged 4, David aged 5, Colin aged 6 and Andrew aged 7

 

 

Ohhhh, that is just sooooooo wrong

[Faron]

A man went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room, he told the doctor, 'Don't laugh!'

 

'Of course I won't laugh,' the doctor said. 'I'm a professional. In more than twenty years, I've never laughed at a patient.'

 

'Okay then,' the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest "willie" the doctor had ever seen.

 

It wasn't any bigger than, an AAA battery.

 

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later, he was finally able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

 

'I'm so sorry,' he said. 'I really am'. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it will never happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

 

 

'It's swollen,' the man replied.

 

Back on the floor went the urologist.