Joke

[Jez]

What's the difference between the icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?

 

The volcano's still blowing ash

 

[Glen]

Little Jimmy was rushed to hospital with six toy horses lodged up his arse.

 

Doctors have described his condition as stable

[JamesEagle]

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a ginger bloke?

 

A tattoo

 

[Glen]

Man and wife in bed.

 

He's reading a book. She's getting turned on and asks for sex.....

 

He says 'No - I'm reading'

 

She asks 'Well why do you keep stroking my fanny every two minutes you dirty git?'

 

He replies 'Just wetting my finger to turn the page!'

[Geoff]

Man and wife in bed.

 

He's reading a book. She's getting turned on and asks for sex.....

 

He says 'No - I'm reading'

 

She asks 'Well why do you keep stroking my fanny every two minutes you dirty git?'

 

He replies 'Just wetting my finger to turn the page!'

HAHA!!!

[Dead Planet]

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

 

The Cow: I give 50 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

 

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why are you looking down here? It's your turn to say something...

[Nick C]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

 

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

 

 

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

 

 

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad ass biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

 

 

The drunk leans on the table again and says:"I got it on with your grandma and she is good,the best I ever had!"

 

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

 

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

 

At this point the biker stands up,takes the drunk by the shoulders,looks him square in the eyes and says...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Grandpa........go home!"

[JamesEagle]

When I Grow Up

 

Some of you will have seen this before, hopefully some of you haven't...

 

Submitted by a Primary school girl for homework:

 

 

(Here’s the reply the teacher received the following day)

 

Dear Mrs Jones,

 

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn’t show me dancing around a pole. It’s supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,

Mrs Smith

[Jez]

English crickets fast bowling wizard Stuart Broad has had to return home with a bad side.

 

Unfortunately he only has a 2 bedroom flat, so it's going to be a squash to get all the Aussie cricket team in.

 

:D

[Dead Planet]

This one is an oldie but worth hearing again....

 

 

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and

says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I

are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

 

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're

sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your

sister in Leeds and tell her".

 

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell

they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

 

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT

getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my

brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,

DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming

for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.."

[Dead Planet]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

 

"I don't mind coming to work but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit!"

[Fat Freddy]

Here's an oldie but a goodie:

 

Little Johnny's mom looks out the kitchen window and sees her son running around the backyard with a toy airplane. When he brings the plane in for a "landing," he announces loudly "Okay, all you motherf**kers that want to get off, get off. All you motherf**kers who want to get on, get on."

 

Naturally, she is shocked to hear such language from her son. A minute later he's running another lap around the yard with the airplane, and brings it in for another "landing," announcing "Okay, all you motherf**kers that want to get off, get off. All you motherf**kers who want to get on, get on."

 

Mom rushes outside and gives Little Johnny a spanking and tells him to go sit in his room for three hours to think about what he's done.

 

Three hours later, he's back outside running around outside with his airplane. When he "lands" the plane, this time he announces, "Okay, all you motherf**kers who want to get off, get off. All you motherf**kers who want to get on, get on. And all you motherf**kers who want to complain about the three hour layover, go talk to the f**king b*tch in the kitchen."

[Faron]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

 

"I don't mind coming to work but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit!"

 

That`s funny

[Dead Planet]

WHY SHARKS CIRCLE YOU

 

 

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship..

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?”

 

His wise father replied,

 

"Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

[Nightrain]

WHY SHARKS CIRCLE YOU

 

 

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship..

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?”

 

His wise father replied,

 

"Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

 

haha nice one

[Dead Planet]

Health Tip of the Week

 

 

 

If you can't afford a doctor

go to an airport, you'll get

a free x-ray, a breast exam

and if you mention Al Qaeda

you'll get a free colonoscopy.

[Dead Planet]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

Have you ever wondered if the bills

in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day...

 

 

So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money

[Geoff]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

Have you ever wondered if the bills

in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day...

 

 

So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money

Shouldn't it be always remember to lick your hands after handling money... just in case?

[Fat Freddy]

Actual joke told to me by my 8 year old today:

 

Q: What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

A: Graaaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnns!

[Dead Planet]

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

 

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

 

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

 

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

 

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

 

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[Dead Planet]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[Dead Planet]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

 

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

 

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

 

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

 

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

 

He was awarded an A.

[Dead Planet]

The Secret of Senior Sex

 

 

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

 

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

 

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

 

Oh Ross, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

 

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[Stefan]

The Secret of Senior Sex

 

 

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

 

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

 

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

 

Oh Ross, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

 

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

 

That was electrifying...

[Geoff]

NIce.