Joke

[Glen]

Another one for the UK guys...........

 

 

Mr Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams.

 

However Tess was reluctant to take on his surname.

[Glen]

World's most powerful man : Black

 

World's fastest racing driver : Black

 

World's best golfer : Black

 

Its awesome to be black in the new millenium.

 

I bet Michael Jackson feels like a right wanker.

[Faron]

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart.

 

Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

 

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and then you suddenly realize. ..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

. . . . . . . You're listening to your I-pod!

 

[Faron]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears

or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

 

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie'. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,

a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes'. 'Can he see alright'?, Johnnie asked the mother.

Yes' the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

 

That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.

 

[Faron]

One for the UK guys -

 

 

Ulrika has just been kicked out of big brother after being caught smuggling a mobile phone into the BB house.

 

A spokesman for Big Brother stated that it wasnt the first time she'd had an Ericsson up her arse.

 

[KarpetRydOFunk]

World's most powerful man : Black

 

World's fastest racing driver : Black

 

World's best golfer : Black

 

Its awesome to be black in the new millenium.

 

I bet Michael Jackson feels like a right wanker.

 

Okay, that one is brilliant.

[Dead Planet]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG???

 

 

 

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

 

The Chief nodded in agreement.

 

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

 

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

 

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

[KarpetRydOFunk]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG???

 

 

 

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

 

The Chief nodded in agreement.

 

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

 

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

 

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

You ain't never lie.

[aMetalhead1966]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG???

 

 

 

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

 

The Chief nodded in agreement.

 

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

 

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

 

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

 

[Jez]

One for the UK guys -

 

 

Ulrika has just been kicked out of big brother after being caught smuggling a mobile phone into the BB house.

 

A spokesman for Big Brother stated that it wasnt the first time she'd had an Ericsson up her arse.

 

 

 

The dirty stinkin' Beetch

[Stefan]

One for the UK guys -

 

 

Ulrika has just been kicked out of big brother after being caught smuggling a mobile phone into the BB house.

 

A spokesman for Big Brother stated that it wasnt the first time she'd had an Ericsson up her arse.

 

[Stefan]

World's most powerful man : Black

 

World's fastest racing driver : Black

 

World's best golfer : Black

 

Its awesome to be black in the new millenium.

 

I bet Michael Jackson feels like a right wanker.

:lol:

[Glen]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG???

 

 

 

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

 

The Chief nodded in agreement.

 

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

 

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

 

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

 

[Glen]

In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire lives a woman called Nicola Lykes. She is the landlady of the local pub, The Cock Inn.

 

All her mail is addressed to -

 

Nicola Lykes, The Cock Inn, Erbum, Tillet, Herts

[Glen]

A drunk man walks into a bar.

 

He shouts across the bar to a group of lads

 

'I shagged your mother'

 

The lads ignore him.

 

He shouts again

 

'Up the arse as well!'

 

They still ignore him. He shouts a third time

 

'She sucked my nob too'

 

With that one of the lads stands up and shouts back

 

'Go home Dad youre pissed!'

[Faron]

In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire lives a woman called Nicola Lykes. She is the landlady of the local pub, The Cock Inn.

 

All her mail is addressed to -

 

Nicola Lykes, The Cock Inn, Erbum, Tillet, Herts

 

[Faron]

A drunk man walks into a bar.

 

He shouts across the bar to a group of lads

 

'I shagged your mother'

 

The lads ignore him.

 

He shouts again

 

'Up the arse as well!'

 

They still ignore him. He shouts a third time

 

'She sucked my nob too'

 

With that one of the lads stands up and shouts back

 

'Go home Dad youre pissed!'

 

[hardrockhaven]

New student

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named

Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

 

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

 

 

 

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

 

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:

 

'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

 

'Very good!'

 

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not

perish from the Earth?'

 

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

 

 

 

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

 

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.

 

Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

 

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'

 

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

 

'General Custer, 1862.'

 

At that point, a student in the back said,

'I'm gonna puke.'

 

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

 

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

 

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? $uck this!'

 

 

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and

 

 

 

shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

 

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said

 

 

 

'You little $hit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

 

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson

to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

 

The teacher fainted.

 

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,

 

 

 

someone said, 'Oh $hit, we're screwed!'

 

And Chandrasekhar said quietlly, "I think it was the American people,

 

November 4, 2008."

[Dead Planet]

New student

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named

Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

 

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

 

 

 

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

 

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:

 

'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

 

'Very good!'

 

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not

perish from the Earth?'

 

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

 

 

 

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

 

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.

 

Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

 

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'

 

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

 

'General Custer, 1862.'

 

At that point, a student in the back said,

'I'm gonna puke.'

 

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

 

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

 

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? $uck this!'

 

 

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and

 

 

 

shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

 

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said

 

 

 

'You little $hit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

 

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson

to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

 

The teacher fainted.

 

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,

 

 

 

someone said, 'Oh $hit, we're screwed!'

 

And Chandrasekhar said quietlly, "I think it was the American people,

 

November 4, 2008."

 

 

Excellent.....

[Faron]

New student

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named

Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

 

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

 

 

 

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

 

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:

 

'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

 

'Very good!'

 

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not

perish from the Earth?'

 

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

 

 

 

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

 

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.

 

Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

 

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'

 

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

 

'General Custer, 1862.'

 

At that point, a student in the back said,

'I'm gonna puke.'

 

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

 

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

 

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? $uck this!'

 

 

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and

 

 

 

shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

 

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said

 

 

 

'You little $hit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

 

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson

to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

 

The teacher fainted.

 

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,

 

 

 

someone said, 'Oh $hit, we're screwed!'

 

And Chandrasekhar said quietlly, "I think it was the American people,

 

November 4, 2008."

 

[Dead Planet]

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of A new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

 

 

 

 

 

These Alabama , North Carolina, Arkansas , Georgia , Kentucky , Mississippi , West Virginia , Missouri , Oklahoma , Tennessee , and Texas boys

 

 

 

Will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the Following facts about terrorists:

 

 

 

1. The season opened today.

 

 

 

2. There is no limit.

 

 

 

3. They taste just like chicken

 

 

 

4.They don't like beer

 

 

 

5. They don't like pickup trucks

 

 

 

6. They despise country music

 

 

 

7. They don't love Jesus

 

 

 

8. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

 

 

 

 

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

[Dead Planet]

Dear Employees:

 

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

 

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

 

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

 

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

 

Number 2

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.

 

Number 3

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

 

Number 4

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.!

 

Number 5

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

 

Number 6

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell some one who gives a shit.

 

Number 7

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

 

Number 8

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

 

Number 9

TRY S AYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

 

Number 10

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

 

Number 11

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

 

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

 

Number 13

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

 

Number 14

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

 

Number 15

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

 

Number 16

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD O F: This fucking job sucks.

 

Number 17

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

 

Number 18

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

 

Thank You,

Human Resources

[Faron]

Dear Employees:

 

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

 

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

 

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

 

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

 

Number 2

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.

 

Number 3

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

 

Number 4

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.!

 

Number 5

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

 

Number 6

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell some one who gives a shit.

 

Number 7

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

 

Number 8

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

 

Number 9

TRY S AYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

 

Number 10

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

 

Number 11

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

 

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

 

Number 13

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

 

Number 14

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

 

Number 15

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

 

Number 16

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD O F: This fucking job sucks.

 

Number 17

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

 

Number 18

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

 

Thank You,

Human Resources

 

Spot on mate

[cdjunky41]

Cowboy Chili

 

 

 

*A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga , Wyoming . He sits at the

 

counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly

 

at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there

 

staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you

 

ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The older cowboy slowly turns his

 

head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah,

 

you go ahead.' *

 

*Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his

 

place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the

 

bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very

 

shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl. *

 

*The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.' *

[Dead Planet]

BE STRONG

 

 

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.While he is in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants intercourse, don't resist, just do what he tells you! This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very attractive, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."