Joke

[Dead Planet]

Parvinder and Habib are pandhandlers...

 

They panhandle in different areas of New York.

Habib panhandles just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2

to 3 dollars every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a

Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

 

Habib says to Parvinder "I work just as long and hard as you do

but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Parvinder says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say"?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to

support'."

Parvinder says " No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars"

Habib says... "So what does your sign say"?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign......

It reads, "I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan".

[Geoff]

This hairy tarantula-looking dude with a mohawk and sideburns and broken teeth and a maggot infested earlobe walks into a bar.

 

"Ouch."

[SamboraRocks86]

a man is sitting a the bar when he orders his drink from a particularly good lookin' barmaid, as she bends over to get said drink he whispers "tickle your arse with a feather" to which the barmaid naturally reply's "what did you just say?!"

 

now the man at the bar was cunning and replied "why i said, particularly nasty weather" at which point he was off the hook. a drunk at the end of the bar observed all of this and thought he'd try it himself, so when he ordered another drink and the barmaid bent over he shouted out "stick a feather up your bum!" when the barmaid, shocked, asked him what he just said he replied with "its pissing down out there"

[SamboraRocks86]

little Jimmy was spending the weekend at his grandparents house, on the first night he noticed his grampa smoking a cigar, when he asked if he could have a cigar his grampa asked him, "that depends, can your dick touch your asshole?" when Jimmy replied with no, grampa told him that he wasnt man enough for a Cigar.

 

the next evening, Jimmy found his grampa drinking whiskey, when he asked forsome his grampa asked "that depends, can your dick touch your asshole?" and the same as the previous night, jimmy said No and grampa replied with "then you're not man enough"

 

on the 3rd night, grampa found Jimmy eating a plate of cookies, when grampa asked for a cookie Jimmy asked him if his dick could touch his asshole.....Grampa replied rather proudly with "why yes, yes it can" to which Jimmy replied "then go fuck yourself cause grandma baked these cookies for me!"

[Dave]

Seen every one is complaining about the citizenship test they have to sit and pass before they can become an Aussie, we have come up with a more simplified one.

Would you pass this test

 

 

 

2007 Australian Citizenship test

 

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?

___________________________________

2. What is a bloody little beauty??

___________________________________

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

___________________________________

4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

__________________________________

 

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

___________________________

6. Complete the following sentences:

a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ?

You're going home in the back of a ?

c) Fair crack of the ?

_________________________________

7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss

__________________________________

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

__________________________________

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

__________________________________

 

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

__________________________________

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

__________________________________

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

__________________________________

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?

__________________________________

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

__________________________________

15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

__________________________________

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

__________________________________

 

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

__________________________________

18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?

__________________________________

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

__________________________________

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

__________________________________

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

_________________________________

22. What does " sinkin ' piss at a mates joint and getten para " mean?

[Dave]

NEW - Miracle Cure!

 

 

 

? Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

 

? Do you suffer from shyness?

 

? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

 

 

 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

 

 

 

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

 

 

 

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

 

 

 

However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.

 

 

 

However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

 

 

 

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

 

 

 

WARNING:

 

 

 

The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing like a idiot.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

 

The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The consumption of White Wine may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The consumption of White Wine may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

 

 

 

 

 

NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!

[Dead Planet]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed

he had his collar on backwards.

 

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

 

The man, who was a priest, said, ' I am a Father.'

 

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

 

The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.'

 

The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he

doesn't wear his collar that way.'

 

The priest, getting impatient, said, 'I am the Father of hundreds,' and went

back to reading his book.

 

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

 

'Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.'

[Wotty]

A bloke walks into a pub..

The barman says "We don't serve arse-holes in 'ere"

The man replies "But I'm a Palace Fan"

The barman shouts back "Like I said,we don't serve arse-holes in 'ere"

 

[Dead Planet]

Bathtub Test

 

 

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this

should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor

asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not

a patient should be institutionalized.

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,

a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the

bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket

because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want

a bed near the window?"

 

DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[Dead Planet]

A Canadian couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly

icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their

honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to

coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Calgary and flew to

Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The

husband checked into the hotel.

 

 

 

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his

wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and

without realizing his error, sent the email to a wrong person!!

 

 

 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her

husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following

a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from

relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and

fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the

floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

 

 

 

To: My Loving Wife

 

Subject: I've Arrived

 

Date: January 17, 2008

 

 

 

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and

you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and

have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your

arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your

journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down

here!!!

[Dead Planet]

Daddy's Rules for Dating

 

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,

because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long

as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes

or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear

their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.

Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are

complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,

so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear

showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in

order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course

of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten

your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a

'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes

to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we

should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do

not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of

when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only

word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

 

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date

other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.

Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to

date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I

will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and

more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time

for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her

makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge

. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like

changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places

where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places

where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or

happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my

daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than

overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.

Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies

which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes

are better.

 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,

dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the

all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are

going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole

truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres

behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound

of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near

Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head

frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter

home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with

both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear

voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return

to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face

at the window is mine.

[Nick C]

I went to the butchers and he wanted to bet me that I couldn't reach some sides of beef hung up in the window.

I declined as the steaks were too high.

 

[Chris]

Understanding English.......

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .

 

 

 

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

 

 

 

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .

 

 

 

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

[whiplash1972]

 

[Jez]

 

 

 

[Nick C]

A young woman goes to the doctors and complains that no matter how hard she tries she cannot get a boyfriend so she must have something wrong with her and insists that she see the first available medic.

She is told that Dr. Lao is the wisest doctor in the practise and she is shown into a room and there sat behind a desk is a little Chinese doctor.

She takes a seat and explains that even though she is rich, wealthy and extremely ellegible she can't get a boyfriend.

The doctor stands up and takes a good look at her and finally says

"Okay please if you will take all your clothes off".

The woman looks confused but does as the little Chinese guy asks.

"Now if you would be so kind could you get on all fours and crawl towards the far wall".

The woman does as he says.

Once there the doctor says..."Now please...turn around and crawl back towards me" she does this and all the time the doctor is watching her closely writing in his notebook.

"Thank you you may put your clothes back on now" he says and sits down.

Once dressed the lady sits down again and the doctor leans across and says...

 

"I'm afraid you cannot get a boyfriend as you have Zackry disease"

"Zackry disease?" asks the woman.

And the doc replies -

"Yes your face looks zackry the same as your arse"

[Guest Lord of the Goats]

Okay, there is this radio competition. You must make up a word that makes sense when you insert it into a sentence. So, this guy calls up a radio station.

 

Guy: Hello, my name is Johnny Wilks. I want to participate in the radio competition.

Host:Great! We haven't had anyone call up in days! What's your word?

Guy: Goan, pronounced 'GO-AN.

Host: Alright, use it in a sentence.

Guy: Goan f*** yourself!

 

The host tunes out, saying that they couldn't use it in their 'good mannered' radio station. Then, another guy calls up.

 

Guy: Hi, I'm Tom Burg an' I'd like to participate in the competition.

Host: Fine! So what's your word?

Guy: Smee, pronounced S-MEE. Now I'll use it in a sentence.

Host: Go on.

Guy:Smee again! Goan f*** yourself!

[Dead Planet]

When you're having a really bad day!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

http://blog.5thgearmarketing.net/2007/10/bad-day.html

[Fat Freddy]

NEWS FLASH:

Mexico Drops out of 2008 Summer Olympics

 

President Felipe Calderon has announced that Mexico can not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics.

 

He stated: 'Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pams.'

 

Translation: 'Everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country'

 

[Dead Planet]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

 

 

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

 

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

 

The defense attorney nearly died.

 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[marksherrer]

NEWS FLASH:

Mexico Drops out of 2008 Summer Olympics

 

President Felipe Calderon has announced that Mexico can not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics.

 

He stated: 'Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pams.'

 

Translation: 'Everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country'

 

 

He stated=Los que pueden correr,saltar o nadar ya salieron del pais........................

 

Good Joke, but I give you more or less the correct translation....or the correct message of Calderon...

[Dead Planet]

Who's your best friend?

 

Without a doubt, it's your dog, not your wife. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

 

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is barking at the front door….which one do you let in?

 

 

Your dog….. because it will stop barking when it gets inside.

[Fat Freddy]

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."

At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

 

After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up. He grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "I can't take the drumming anymore! It's driving me crazy! What can possibly be worse than this? What happens when the drumming stops?!!"

 

The native replies, "Bass solo."

[Dead Planet]

MEN & WOMEN

 

 

 

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,

Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other

as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

 

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even

though it's only for $32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they

want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving

cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,

answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite

foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[aMetalhead1966]

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."

At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

 

After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up. He grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "I can't take the drumming anymore! It's driving me crazy! What can possibly be worse than this? What happens when the drumming stops?!!"

 

The native replies, "Bass solo."