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A bloke is invited to the annual premature ejaculation group party.

He phones his mate to ask him a question.

 

'hey, man, I just got my invite to the annual prem ejac bash'

'Can you tell me if it is fancy dress or not'

His mate replies

'Nah don't worry about that, just come in your pants'

 

 

:tumbsup::lol:

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Ralph and Mary were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

 

Ralph suddenly said, 'Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to

immediately sell all my stuff.'

 

'Now why would you want me to do something like that?' Mary asked.

 

'I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff...'

 

'What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?'

 

:lol:

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A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured

>alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She

>seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As

>he did, she gently caressed his full beard.'Are you the manager?' she

>asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he

>replied.'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said,

>running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.'I'm afraid I

>can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?''Yes, I

>need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger

>across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

>'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say. 'Tell

>him.....', she whispered, '.....there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or

>paper towels in the ladies room.'

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>> A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured

>alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She

>seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As

>he did, she gently caressed his full beard.'Are you the manager?' she

>asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he

>replied.'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said,

>running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.'I'm afraid I

>can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?''Yes, I

>need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger

>across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

>'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say. 'Tell

>him.....', she whispered, '.....there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or

>paper towels in the ladies room.' <<

 

YOU OWE ME A NEW KEYBOARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured

>alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She

>seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As

>he did, she gently caressed his full beard.'Are you the manager?' she

>asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he

>replied.'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said,

>running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.'I'm afraid I

>can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?''Yes, I

>need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger

>across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

>'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say. 'Tell

>him.....', she whispered, '.....there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or

>paper towels in the ladies room.'

 

Classic :lol:

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Barack Obama died and found himself in front of the Pearly Gates chatting with St. Peter. "Saint Peter, what do I need to do to gain admittance?"

Saint Peter says to Obama "My son all you need to do is tell me one great thing you did in your lifetime."

Obama thinks for a minute and then exclaims "I was President of The United States for 20 minutes!!"

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A blind musician and a deaf musician are on the stage.

 

The blind musician then asks his deaf collegue: "Are the people dancing already ?"

Answers the deaf musician: "Why, are we already playing ?"

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A blind musician and a deaf musician are on the stage.

 

The blind musician then asks his deaf collegue: "Are the people dancing already ?"

Answers the deaf musician: "Why, are we already playing ?"

 

That there is a goodie....

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A blind musician and a deaf musician are on the stage.

 

The blind musician then asks his deaf collegue: "Are the people dancing already ?"

Answers the deaf musician: "Why, are we already playing ?"

 

:rofl2:

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Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall.

 

 

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'

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Body Statistics

 

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

 

 

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

 

 

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

 

 

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

 

 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

 

 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

 

 

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

 

Women blink twice as often as men.

 

 

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

 

 

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

 

 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

 

 

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

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Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall.

 

 

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'

 

Good one mate :lol:

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Body Statistics

 

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

 

 

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

 

 

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

 

 

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

 

 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

 

 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

 

 

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

 

Women blink twice as often as men.

 

 

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

 

 

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

 

 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

 

 

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

 

Interesting :tumbsup:

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A blind musician and a deaf musician are on the stage.

 

The blind musician then asks his deaf collegue: "Are the people dancing already ?"

Answers the deaf musician: "Why, are we already playing ?"

 

this just doesnt make sense, how on earth does the deaf man hear the blind man...

 

jokes can make sense and still be funny...

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A blind musician and a deaf musician are on the stage.

 

The blind musician then motions to his deaf collegue: "Are the people dancing already ?"

Answers the deaf musician: "Why, are we already playing ?"

 

this just doesnt make sense, how on earth does the deaf man hear the blind man...

 

jokes can make sense and still be funny...

 

Guess what ....: He didn't say it in words. Better like this ? You understand ?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Idiot !

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  • 2 weeks later...

A drunk guy walks into a bar, struts up to the biggest, baddest looking guy in the place, and says "Dude, your Mom was the best lay I ever had."

 

Everyone in the bar holds their breath waiting for this drunk to gets his ass kicked, but the big guy ignores him. So the drunk carries on. "I'm SERIOUS man, she was sweeeeeeeet. She's a MANIAC in bed." The big guy continues to ignore him. The drunk continues, "I'm not kidding, she's a FREAK. She even let me put it in her..."

 

Finally the big guy hollers "DAD, YOU'RE DRUNK! GO HOME!"

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A drunk guy walks into a bar, struts up to the biggest, baddest looking guy in the place, and says "Dude, your Mom was the best lay I ever had."

 

Everyone in the bar holds their breath waiting for this drunk to gets his ass kicked, but the big guy ignores him. So the drunk carries on. "I'm SERIOUS man, she was sweeeeeeeet. She's a MANIAC in bed." The big guy continues to ignore him. The drunk continues, "I'm not kidding, she's a FREAK. She even let me put it in her..."

 

Finally the big guy hollers "DAD, YOU'RE DRUNK! GO HOME!"

 

Excellent :rofl2:

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Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

 

The first hunter says 'Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?'

 

The second hunter says 'I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long hit takes to hit bottom.'

 

The first hunter says, 'There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see.'

 

So they pick it up, carry it over, count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

 

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

 

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

 

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

 

'Say there', says the farmer, 'you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?'

 

The first hunter says, ' Funny you should ask, but we wuz just standing here a minute ago and a goat come a running out of them bushes doin' about a 'hunert miles an air and jumped headfirst into that thar hole!'

 

And the old farmer said, 'Why that's impossible... I had him chained to an old transmission!'

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Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

 

The first hunter says 'Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?'

 

The second hunter says 'I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long hit takes to hit bottom.'

 

The first hunter says, 'There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see.'

 

So they pick it up, carry it over, count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

 

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

 

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

 

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

 

'Say there', says the farmer, 'you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?'

 

The first hunter says, ' Funny you should ask, but we wuz just standing here a minute ago and a goat come a running out of them bushes doin' about a 'hunert miles an air and jumped headfirst into that thar hole!'

 

And the old farmer said, 'Why that's impossible... I had him chained to an old transmission!'

 

:rofl2:

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The doctor said,

'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

 

The bad news is that it will require castration.

 

You have a very rare condition,

 

which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hel l of a headache.

 

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

 

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that h e felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

 

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, ' I'd like a new suit.'

 

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

 

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

 

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

 

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

 

A s Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

 

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

 

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?

 

' Been in the business 60 years.'

 

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

 

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

 

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

 

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'

 

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

 

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

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LMFAO Good one Lennie. Daaaaaaamn, that would suck! ...

 

 

 

This is old but still funnier than hell. And hey, it might be new to someone:

 

6 Reasons Not to Mess with Children.

 

 

(1)

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

 

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

 

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.'

 

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

 

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'

 

 

(2)

 

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

 

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

 

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

 

The teacher paused and said, ' But no one knows what God looks like'

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

 

 

(3)

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

 

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

 

Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

 

 

(4)

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

 

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'.'

 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher , she's dead.'

 

 

(5)

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

 

'Yes,' the class said.

 

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

 

A little fellow shouted, "'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

 

 

(6)

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

 

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

 

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

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