Joke

[hsf]

 

 

 

 

A chicken and an egg are lying naked and sweaty in bed together. The Chicken takes a drag on a cigarette and says, "well, I guess that answers that, then."

 

 

 

 

 

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.

 

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

 

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

 

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

 

The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,

 

"Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"

 

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

 

The nurse leaves Charlies room and goes across the hall into Bobs room,

 

and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

 

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

 

Bob says, "Im screwing Charlies wife while hes in Chicago"

[heaven&hell]

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.

 

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

 

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

 

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

 

The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,

 

"Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"

 

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

 

The nurse leaves Charlies room and goes across the hall into Bobs room,

 

and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

 

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

 

Bob says, "Im screwing Charlies wife while hes in Chicago"

 

Now that is funny.

[Faron]

 

 

 

 

A chicken and an egg are lying naked and sweaty in bed together. The Chicken takes a drag on a cigarette and says, "well, I guess that answers that, then."

 

 

 

 

 

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.

 

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

 

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

 

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

 

The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,

 

"Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"

 

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

 

The nurse leaves Charlies room and goes across the hall into Bobs room,

 

and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

 

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

 

Bob says, "Im screwing Charlies wife while hes in Chicago"

 

[Geoff]

Those cyanide comics are the funniest thing on the internet.

[hsf]

[Geoff]

lolz.

 

I used to read them pretty much every day and miss them.

[Dead Planet]

Stutter

 

 

 

 

 

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings

are the only animals that stutter', she says.

 

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she

volunteered.

 

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the

girl to describe the incident.

 

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the

Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he

jumped over the fence into our yard!

That must've been scary', said the teacher.

 

'It sure was', said the little girl.

 

'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And,

before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!'

 

The teacher wet her pants!!

[manicego]

>> 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And,

before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!' <<

 

Oh my God, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! I'm in a much better mood now

[Faron]

Stutter

 

 

 

 

 

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings

are the only animals that stutter', she says.

 

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she

volunteered.

 

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the

girl to describe the incident.

 

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the

Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he

jumped over the fence into our yard!

That must've been scary', said the teacher.

 

'It sure was', said the little girl.

 

'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And,

before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!'

 

The teacher wet her pants!!

 

[Dead Planet]

REDNECK SENSITIVITY

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

 

 

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

 

As the ambulance takes the body away,

Ronnie says, 'Well, someone should go and tell his wife.'

 

 

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

 

'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

 

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' '

 

Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

 

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave

you a case of beer?'

 

 

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to

her, 'you must be Cooter's widow'.'

 

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

 

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

[Faron]

REDNECK SENSITIVITY

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

 

 

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

 

As the ambulance takes the body away,

Ronnie says, 'Well, someone should go and tell his wife.'

 

 

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

 

'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

 

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' '

 

Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

 

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave

you a case of beer?'

 

 

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to

her, 'you must be Cooter's widow'.'

 

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

 

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

 

[Dead Planet]

Irish vs Blonde

 

 

 

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde

walks by and asked them what they were doing.Paddy replied, 'We're

supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we

don't have a fook'n ladder.'The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her

bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.She got a tape

measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced

that it was 18 feet 6 inches...Then, she walked off.Mick said to Paddy,

'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'

[aMetalhead1966]

Stutter

 

 

 

 

 

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings

are the only animals that stutter', she says.

 

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she

volunteered.

 

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the

girl to describe the incident.

 

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the

Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he

jumped over the fence into our yard!

That must've been scary', said the teacher.

 

'It sure was', said the little girl.

 

'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And,

before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!'

 

The teacher wet her pants!!

[Faron]

Irish vs Blonde

 

 

 

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde

walks by and asked them what they were doing.Paddy replied, 'We're

supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we

don't have a fook'n ladder.'The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her

bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.She got a tape

measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced

that it was 18 feet 6 inches...Then, she walked off.Mick said to Paddy,

'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'

 

[manicego]

Okay, this is long but WELLLLLL worth reading ...

 

---------------------------------

 

ABOUT THE WRITER

 

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

 

 

 

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

 

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

 

 

 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

 

 

 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

 

 

 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

 

 

 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

 

 

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this

 

particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

 

 

 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

 

 

 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

 

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

 

 

 

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

 

 

 

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

 

 

 

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

 

 

 

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

 

 

 

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

 

 

 

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

 

 

 

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

 

 

 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

 

 

 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

 

 

 

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

 

 

 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

 

 

 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

 

 

 

And the best one of all.

 

 

 

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[Faron]

Okay, this is long but WELLLLLL worth reading ...

 

---------------------------------

 

ABOUT THE WRITER

 

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

 

 

 

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

 

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

 

 

 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

 

 

 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

 

 

 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

 

 

 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

 

 

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this

 

particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

 

 

 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

 

 

 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

 

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

 

 

 

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

 

 

 

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

 

 

 

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

 

 

 

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

 

 

 

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

 

 

 

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

 

 

 

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

 

 

 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

 

 

 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

 

 

 

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

 

 

 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

 

 

 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

 

 

 

And the best one of all.

 

 

 

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

It was that long that I stopped a couple of times but eventually stuck with it due to it being really funny

[Fat Freddy]

I love Dave Barry!! I have all of his books at home! He's a freakin genius.

[Dead Planet]

Okay, this is long but WELLLLLL worth reading ...

 

---------------------------------

 

ABOUT THE WRITER

 

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

 

 

 

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

 

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

 

 

 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

 

 

 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

 

 

 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

 

 

 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

 

 

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this

 

particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

 

 

 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

 

 

 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

 

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

 

 

 

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

 

 

 

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

 

 

 

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

 

 

 

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

 

 

 

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

 

 

 

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

 

 

 

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

 

 

 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

 

 

 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

 

 

 

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

 

 

 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

 

 

 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

 

 

 

And the best one of all.

 

 

 

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

 

 

 

Hilarious :rofl2: ....I'm sending this one around to everyone in the office.....

[Dave]

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is cying her heart out.

Husband says, "Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister.

[Dave]

Wife say's to husband, "The doctor say's I have the tits and arse of an 18 year old"

Husband say's "What about your 40 year old c t ??

Wife say's "We did not mention you"

[Dave]

My ex wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said "You're not fucking listening"

[Dave]

Was very depressed last night so I rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan and then proceeded to tell them that I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Dave]

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.

[Dave]

Today an Aboriginal was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Redfern {Australia's equivelent of the Bronx in the US} police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

[Dave]

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.