Joke

[Dead Planet]

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

 

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Faron]

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

 

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

 

[Nick C]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

 

He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[Dead Planet]

Ear Infection

 

 

 

This is so true!

 

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

 

 

 

 

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.

 

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it..

 

 

 

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

 

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

 

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

 

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

 

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

 

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated..

 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

 

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

 

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[aMetalhead1966]

A Ham N Cheese Sandwich walks into a bar...the bartenders yells "Get Outta Here, we don't serve food".......

[Faron]

Ear Infection

 

 

 

This is so true!

 

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

 

 

 

 

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.

 

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it..

 

 

 

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

 

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

 

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

 

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

 

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

 

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated..

 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

 

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

 

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

[Dead Planet]

>>

> Children writing about the Ocean:

>

>

> 1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight

> testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

>

> 2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

>

> 3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If

> you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.

> (Wayne, age 7)

>

> 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like

> Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.

> (Kylie, age 6)

>

> 5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its

> head. (Billy, age 8)

>

> 6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a

> woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

>

> 7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds

> to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the

> sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother

> said they would have been better off eating beans.

> (William, age 7)

>

> 8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are

> beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do

> mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

>

> 9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother

> is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big

> sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to

> write. (Amy, age 6)

>

> 10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.

> Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in

> caves under the sea where I think they have to plug

> themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

>

> 11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold,

> and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

>

> 12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.

> Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each

> other. (Becky, age 8)

>

> 13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off

> when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again

> because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie,

> age 7)

>

> 14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish

> don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

>

> 15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about

> the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a

> sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

[Dead Planet]

Funny stuff....

 

 

[Jez]

Cadburys and Nestle are to finally merge as companies, here is the new range of Confectionary

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Dead Planet]

Irish jokes

 

 

 

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when

Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

 

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

 

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell

Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

 

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be

discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

 

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is

me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.

Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

 

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

 

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

 

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

 

 

***********************************************************

 

 

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over

by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and

bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

 

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

 

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

 

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must

have had something in h is hand."

 

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'

he gave me with it."

 

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.

 

Didn't you have something in your hand?"

 

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it

was; but useless in a fight."

 

 

************************************************************

 

 

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the

city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

 

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

 

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

 

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

 

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

 

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms

across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

 

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd

gone deaf."

 

 

**********************************************************

 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives

at her door.

 

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

 

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my

husband?"

 

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down

at the Guinness brewery"

 

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me"

 

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone I'm sorry.

 

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

 

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

 

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

 

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

 

 

**************************************************************

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and

she's in tears.

 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last

night."

 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary , did he have

any last requests?"

 

She says, "That he did, Father."

 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

 

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "

 

 

***************************************************************

 

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits

down, but says nothing.

 

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues

to sit there.

 

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

 

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

[JamesEagle]

Hope these are new to some of you:

 

 

 

Kids know far too much these days. This morning, whilst in the doctor's waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Ken and Barbie dolls, imitating the doggy position. I leaned down and told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that." "I don't think so," She replied, "he's doing her up the arse."

 

 

 

A terrorist jumps up from his seat on a plane and says, "This is a hijack!" He pulls a balaclava over his face and says to a passenger, "Did you see my face?"

"Y-y-yes." Replies the passenger. The hijacker shoots him dead, then turns to another passenger.

"Did you see my face?"

The man replies, "No, but my wife did."

[Dead Planet]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident off the coast of Maine, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced State Troopers.

 

"We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Troopers.

 

"Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.

 

The Troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

 

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

 

The second Trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

 

“Oh my God, no!" exclaimed the husband, shaken.

 

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

 

The Trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

 

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

 

 

 

The Trooper answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!

[Dead Planet]

MY TRIP TO COSTCO

 

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

 

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

[Chris]

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be really fucked if he needed glasses'.

[Glen]

A priest is showing his son how to wank

 

'This is great dad' says the son

 

The priest replies

 

'wait till you're 13 son, you'll be able to use your own cock'

[Glen]

A lesbian goes to weight watchers

 

The organiser says to her 'remember, you are what you eat'

 

The lesbian replies

 

'are you calling me a cunt!'

[Glen]

One for the UK guys....

 

Ive just seen Cheryl Cole and Dawn French in the gardening department of B&Q.

 

They were looking for new spades!

[Glen]

Why are parking spaces like girls at parties??

 

If you get there late all the best ones are taken, so when no ones looking you stick it in the disabled one.

 

:-o

[Glen]

I reckon this dog we just bought from the kennels could sign on for benefits.

 

I mean he's black, lazy and hasnt got a fuckin clue who his father is..........

 

;-)

[Glen]

rejected ideas for Windows 7 -

 

Hi, Im Kate McCann and leaving windows open was my idea.......

 

Hi, Im Joseph Fritzel and having no windows was my idea.......

 

Hi, Im Harvey Price and licking windows was my idea........

[Glen]

What's the difference between pubic hair and salad??

 

Fuck all, you just push it to one side and keep eating!

[Glen]

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a ginger bloke?

 

A tattoo

[Geoff]

HAHA!!! I didn't get the d-list UK celebrity ones, but the rest were awesome, Glen. Especially the priest one - lol. Nice work mate.

[Glen]

What's the difference between the icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?

 

The volcano's still blowing ash

[Jez]

Top quality mate - must remember these