Joke

[whiplash1972]

http://www.crackle.com/play/?id=2041059#ml...26fx%3D%26o%3D7

 

[Dave]

As you might know, the Australian Government made the headlines all around the World with their apology to the aboriginal population who have been asking for it for years now, on how they and their ancestors have and had been, unfairly and poorly treated.

 

Well, the majority of the population have also created their own apology to the aboriginals aswell and it is as follows:

 

 

 

 

AUSTRALIAN APOLOGY TO THE ABORIGINAL POPULATION

 

We apologise for giving you doctors and free medical care, which allows you to survive and multiply so that you can demand apologies.

 

 

 

We apologise for helping you to read and teaching you the English language, thus opening up to you the entire European civilisation, thought and enterprise.

 

 

 

We feel that we must apologise for building hundreds of homes for you, which you have vandalised and destroyed.

 

 

 

We apologise for giving you law and order which has helped prevent you from slaughtering one another and using the unfortunate for food purposes.

 

 

 

We apologise for developing large farms and properties, which today feed you, where before, you had the benefits of living off the land and starving during droughts.

 

 

 

We apologise for providing you with warm clothing made of fabric to replace the animal skins you used before.

 

 

 

We apologise for building roads and railway tracks between cities and building cars so that you no longer have to walk over harsh terrain.

 

 

 

We apologise for paying off your vehicles when you fail to pay the installments.

 

 

 

We apologise for giving you free travel anywhere, whenever.

 

 

 

We apologise for giving each and every member of your family $100.00 and free travel to attend an aboriginal funeral.

 

 

 

We apologise for not charging you rent on any lands when white people have to pay.

 

 

 

We apologise for giving you interest free loans

 

 

 

We apologise for developing oil wells and minerals, including gold and diamonds which you never used and had no idea of their value.

 

 

 

We apologise for developing Ayers rock and Kakadu, and handing them over to you so that you get all the money.

 

 

 

We apologise for allowing taxpayers money to be paid towards a daughters' wedding ($8,000.00 each daughter).

 

 

 

We apologise for giving you $1.7 billion per year for your 250,000 people, which is $48,000.00 per aboriginal man, woman and child.

 

 

 

We apologise for working hard to pay taxes that finance your welfare, medical care, education, etc to the tune of $1.2 billion each year.

 

 

 

We apologise for you having to approach the aboriginal affairs department to verify the above figures. For the trouble you will have identifying the 'uncle toms' in your own community who are getting richer and leaving some of you living in squalor and poverty.

 

 

 

We do apologise. We really do.

 

 

 

We are only too happy to take back all the above and return you to the paradise of the 'outback', whenever you are ready.

[Dave]

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah . and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

[Dead Planet]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

 

 

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington

chemistry mid term.

 

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it

with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as

well :

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

(absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law

(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some

variant.

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we

need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at

 

which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a

 

soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions

that exist in the world today.

 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their

religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these

religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we

can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as

they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase

exponentially.

 

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because

Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pres-

sure to stay the same , the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately

as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which! souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase

until all Hell breaks loose.

 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in

Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes

over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman

year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and

take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two

must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already

frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen

over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is,

therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the

existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,

Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[Dead Planet]

Interesting magic act......at least it is for the guys....

 

 

 

 

http://users.skynet.be/pdauwe/ursula_martinez.wmv

[Dead Planet]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE...

 

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone inside your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

 

 

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

 

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

 

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available.'

[Nick C]

Hahaha!

 

 

A bloke goes to the doctors.

 

"I'm having trouble hearing"

 

"What are the symptoms?" asked the doc

 

"Oh they're that yellow family on T.V."

[Nick C]

Listen I love you Southern guys I do...Wottyyyy mate I love ya...but I had to show this.....

 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.

 

Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

 

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

 

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

 

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

 

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

 

'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor;

the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there

I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

 

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

 

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

 

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

 

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people,

seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the

world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.

 

The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to

be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving,

and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

 

 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

 

 

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South !

[Dead Planet]

Mental Hospital

 

 

 

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'

 

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the

planks and looked through to see what was going on.

 

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

 

Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'.

[Dead Planet]

If you take your politics seriously you may want to give this funny vid a pass but I find it hilarious....there are several other versions that are non political but damn near as funny....

 

This one is called Hillary's Downfall

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6Lstkiexhc

[Faron]

Understanding English.......

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .

 

 

 

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

 

 

 

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .

 

 

 

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

 

[Faron]

A young woman goes to the doctors and complains that no matter how hard she tries she cannot get a boyfriend so she must have something wrong with her and insists that she see the first available medic.

She is told that Dr. Lao is the wisest doctor in the practise and she is shown into a room and there sat behind a desk is a little Chinese doctor.

She takes a seat and explains that even though she is rich, wealthy and extremely ellegible she can't get a boyfriend.

The doctor stands up and takes a good look at her and finally says

"Okay please if you will take all your clothes off".

The woman looks confused but does as the little Chinese guy asks.

"Now if you would be so kind could you get on all fours and crawl towards the far wall".

The woman does as he says.

Once there the doctor says..."Now please...turn around and crawl back towards me" she does this and all the time the doctor is watching her closely writing in his notebook.

"Thank you you may put your clothes back on now" he says and sits down.

Once dressed the lady sits down again and the doctor leans across and says...

 

"I'm afraid you cannot get a boyfriend as you have Zackry disease"

"Zackry disease?" asks the woman.

And the doc replies -

"Yes your face looks zackry the same as your arse"

 

Classic

[Faron]

Okay, there is this radio competition. You must make up a word that makes sense when you insert it into a sentence. So, this guy calls up a radio station.

 

Guy: Hello, my name is Johnny Wilks. I want to participate in the radio competition.

Host:Great! We haven't had anyone call up in days! What's your word?

Guy: Goan, pronounced 'GO-AN.

Host: Alright, use it in a sentence.

Guy: Goan f*** yourself!

 

The host tunes out, saying that they couldn't use it in their 'good mannered' radio station. Then, another guy calls up.

 

Guy: Hi, I'm Tom Burg an' I'd like to participate in the competition.

Host: Fine! So what's your word?

Guy: Smee, pronounced S-MEE. Now I'll use it in a sentence.

Host: Go on.

Guy:Smee again! Goan f*** yourself!

 

[Faron]

MEN & WOMEN

 

 

 

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,

Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other

as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

 

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even

though it's only for $32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they

want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving

cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,

answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite

foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

 

Great stuff

[Dead Planet]

BEAR REMOVER

 

 

 

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

 

 

 

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

 

 

 

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

 

 

 

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

 

 

 

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

 

 

 

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

 

 

 

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[aMetalhead1966]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

 

 

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington

chemistry mid term.

 

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it

with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as

well :

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

(absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law

(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some

variant.

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we

need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at

 

which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a

 

soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions

that exist in the world today.

 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their

religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these

religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we

can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as

they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase

exponentially.

 

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because

Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pres-

sure to stay the same , the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately

as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which! souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase

until all Hell breaks loose.

 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in

Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes

over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman

year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and

take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two

must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already

frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen

over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is,

therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the

existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,

Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[Dead Planet]

The Day Bubba Died

 

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

 

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over .'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

 

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

 

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

 

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

 

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

 

Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes!’

[eaglesfan3000]

Metallica is putting out a new album that has a vagina on the cover.

[Faron]

Metallica is putting out a new album that has a vagina on the cover.

 

[Glen]

Bond, James Bond!

 

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks,

"Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

007 taps, taps his watch, and says..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

 

"Damn thing must be an hour fast

[TIM (2)]

Metallica is putting out a new album that has a vagina on the cover.

 

This one?

 

[Jez]

A bloke is invited to the annual premature ejaculation group party.

He phones his mate to ask him a question.

 

'hey, man, I just got my invite to the annual prem ejac bash'

'Can you tell me if it is fancy dress or not'

His mate replies

'Nah don't worry about that, just come in your pants'

[Jez]

Metallica is putting out a new album that has a vagina on the cover.

 

This one?

 

 

 

[Dead Planet]

Ralph and Mary were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

 

Ralph suddenly said, 'Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to

immediately sell all my stuff.'

 

'Now why would you want me to do something like that?' Mary asked.

 

'I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff...'

 

'What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?'

[Faron]

Metallica is putting out a new album that has a vagina on the cover.

 

This one?

 

 

Excellent