Joke

[Jimbo]

Having not read the whole thread, forgive me if this one's been posted:

 

A mother calls down her three boys for breakfast and asks each in turn what they would like to eat.

 

"I'll have some f@*king French toast," says the oldest. The mother boxes his ears, tosses him by the collar onto the floor and sends him to his room until lunchtime.

 

"Well, how about you then?" she asks the middle boy.

 

"I guess there's more f@*king French toast for me now, ain't there?" says the boy. The mother clubs him over the head with the frying pan, kicks him in the seat of his trousers and sends him to his room until supper.

 

Finally, she eyes the youngest boy and says, "Alright then, what do you want for breakfast."

 

"Well," says the young boy thoughtfully, "you can bet your ass I don't want any of your f@*cking French toast!"

[Dead Planet]

Old Cowboy

 

 

Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...

 

 

 

 

 

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

 

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[Faron]

Old Cowboy

 

 

Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...

 

 

 

 

 

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

 

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

Excellent mate

[Geoff]

Have you guys alll seen this one:

 

 

One of my all-time faves.

[hardrockhaven]

Have you guys alll seen this one:

 

 

One of my all-time faves.

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!

[Faron]

Have you guys alll seen this one:

 

 

One of my all-time faves.

 

Either I`ve got a crap sense of humour or that`s just I`m not sure what??

[Geoff]

Really? You guys seriously don't like that? I was literally in tears when I saw that first. Maybe it's only appreciated by those of us close to NZ and well versed in taking the piss out of them.

[Glen]

An Asian man is on his deathbed. He is awaiting death and has his family around him.

 

he calls out 'wife are you there?'

 

'yes' she replies.......

 

he calls out 'son are you there?'

 

'yes' the son replies

 

he calls out 'daughter are you there?'

 

'yes' the daughter replies.........

 

with that he leaps up from his bed and yells

 

'if you are all here, who the fuck is looking after the shop!'

[Faron]

Really? You guys seriously don't like that? I was literally in tears when I saw that first. Maybe it's only appreciated by those of us close to NZ and well versed in taking the piss out of them.

 

Geoff, you`re a funny bloke and a lot of your posts contain great humour but I`m still unsure about the vid!

[Faron]

An Asian man is on his deathbed. He is awaiting death and has his family around him.

 

he calls out 'wife are you there?'

 

'yes' she replies.......

 

he calls out 'son are you there?'

 

'yes' the son replies

 

he calls out 'daughter are you there?'

 

'yes' the daughter replies.........

 

with that he leaps up from his bed and yells

 

'if you are all here, who the fuck is looking after the shop!'

 

[Jez]

Really? You guys seriously don't like that? I was literally in tears when I saw that first. Maybe it's only appreciated by those of us close to NZ and well versed in taking the piss out of them.

 

Geoff, you`re a funny bloke and a lot of your posts contain great humour but I`m still unsure about the vid!

 

Err .. didn't raise a laugh this end either, sorry

[Geoff]

Really? You guys seriously don't like that? I was literally in tears when I saw that first. Maybe it's only appreciated by those of us close to NZ and well versed in taking the piss out of them.

 

Geoff, you`re a funny bloke and a lot of your posts contain great humour but I`m still unsure about the vid!

 

Err .. didn't raise a laugh this end either, sorry

F*ck me. Anyone? Dave, Matt, Lindsay... you seen this? Laugh with me... Someone!!

[RichieZ]

What do you call a blond doing a handstand?

 

>>> A brunette with bad breath.

[Glen]

Man pulls his wife into the bedroom and rips off her clothes.

 

'Darlin do a hand stand against the full length mirror!'

 

'Hmmm' she thinks...'kinky, I like it'......

 

she does the hand stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her privates.

 

'The boys down the pub were right' he says

 

'a goatie would suit me!'.

[Glen]

Ive just seen Michael Jackson on Family Fortunes.

 

To be fair he did really well until Vernon asked

 

'Name somewhere you take the kids for a treat?'

 

sadly 'Up the shitter' was not one of the available answers!

[Faron]

Man pulls his wife into the bedroom and rips off her clothes.

 

'Darlin do a hand stand against the full length mirror!'

 

'Hmmm' she thinks...'kinky, I like it'......

 

she does the hand stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her privates.

 

'The boys down the pub were right' he says

 

'a goatie would suit me!'.

 

Brilliant

[Jez]

Ive just seen Michael Jackson on Family Fortunes.

 

To be fair he did really well until Vernon asked

 

'Name somewhere you take the kids for a treat?'

 

sadly 'Up the shitter' was not one of the available answers!

 

 

 

I heard that one at work the other week - so wrong!!

[Geoff]

Man pulls his wife into the bedroom and rips off her clothes.

 

'Darlin do a hand stand against the full length mirror!'

 

'Hmmm' she thinks...'kinky, I like it'......

 

she does the hand stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her privates.

 

'The boys down the pub were right' he says

 

'a goatie would suit me!'.

 

Brilliant

Yeah, well delivered.

[Glen]

Wife walks into the bedroom and says

 

'Tonight Im gonna make you the happiest man alive'.

 

Man Replies -

 

'Dont fuck about...who's gonna help you pack at this time of night!'

[Glen]

You have to feel sorry for Ricky Hatton.

 

Last time I saw someone get bettered that badly around the ring they were found dead in Michael Barrymore's pool.

[Glen]

Im in Chelsea at the moment and typed Rome into my sat nav

 

It came back and said '2 minutes away'

[Faron]

Im in Chelsea at the moment and typed Rome into my sat nav

 

It came back and said '2 minutes away'

 

[Nick C]

A tramp walks into a hardware store and says to the shop keeper.

 

"Can I have a bottle of turps please?"

 

The shopkeeper looks at him and says...

 

"Forget it, You'll buy this turps sit on my doorstep and drink it, scare all my customers off and on top of it all probably be sick and I'll have to clear it up".

 

The tramp looks mighty offended and replies,

 

"Sir you do me an injustice. I have recently managed to get myself a council apartment. I'm painting it and the turps is so I can clean my paint brushes!"

The shopkeeper apologises and gets the tramp a bottle.

 

"That'll be £1.50 please".

 

The tramp looks at it and says

"Have you got one that's just come out of the fridge mate?"

[Dead Planet]

WARNING!!!! Offensive and extremely politically incorrect.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

 

 

One day God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have some

Commandments for you

that will make your lives better.'

 

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord

said, 'They are rules

for living.'

 

'Can you give us an example?'

 

'Thou shall not kill.'

 

'Not kill? We're not interested.'

 

 

So He went to the Negros and said, 'I have some Commandments.'

The Negros wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor

thy Father and

Mother.'

 

 

'Father? We don't know who our fathers

are. We're not interested.'

 

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have some

Commandments.'>

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said

'Thou shall not steal.'

 

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

 

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have some

commandments.'

 

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,

'Thou shall not commit

adultery.'

 

'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

 

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have some

Commandments.'

 

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

 

'They're free.'

 

'We'll take 10.'

 

There, that should offend just about everybody...

[Geoff]