STRESS RELIEF

[JustJason]

An adviser to President Bush enters his off and informs him that a Brazilian was killed in Iraq today. The president becomes very distraught almost to the point of breaking down. Noticing this, the adviser says "Mr. president, Americans are killed in Iraq everyday. "Why are you so distraught over a Brazilian being killed today?". The president looks at his adviser and says "I don't know how many a Brazilian is, but it sounds like a whole lot".

[aMetalhead1966]

An Irish Transvestite is a man who eats,drinks and wants to be Mary!!

[JustJason]

A man goes into a bar and notices a donkey in the corner. He then sees a sign that says drinks on the house for everyone if you can make the donkey laugh. The man gets the attention of the bartender and says he would like to give it a try. He then asks the bartender if he can take the donkey outside. The bartender agrees and sure enough the man brings the donkey back and it's cracking up. Free drinks for everyone the bartender announces and the man is suddenly very popular.

 

A week later the man comes in and sees the same donkey. This time the sign says make the donkey cry for free drinks for everyone. The man again asks the bartender if he my take the donkey outside. The bartender agrees again. Again the donkey comes back crying. Free drinks for everyone again.

 

The bartender pulls the man to the side and tells him that no one has ever made the donkey laugh let alone cry. How did he do it. The man tells him that when he took the donkey outside, he whispered in it's ear that he had a bigger dick than the donkey. This caused the donkey to laugh like crazy. Ok, says the bartender. How did you make him cry then. The man smiles and says "I proved it".

[Bubbasmama]

Maybe this is just funny to me.....with what I do for a 'living'.....

 

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady, cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,

Your fly is open."He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The cashier thought for a moment and said "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags"

[Blue Charvel]

Maybe this is just funny to me.....with what I do for a 'living'.....

 

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady, cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,

Your fly is open."He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The cashier thought for a moment and said "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags"

 

Got a laugh from the wife, works for me.

[Fat Freddy]

Here's a good one:

 

Hearing a lot of noise coming from the bedroom, a woman found her husband standing in the middle of the room holding a fly swatter. She asks "What are you doing?" and he says "I'm killing flies. So far I've gotten three males and two females."

Puzzled, she asks "How can you tell the sex of a fly?"

"Easy," says the husband, "Three of them were on a beer can and the other two were on the telephone."

 

Oookay, well maybe it's not such a good one, but hell it made ME laugh

[aMetalhead1966]

Here's a good one:

 

Hearing a lot of noise coming from the bedroom, a woman found her husband standing in the middle of the room holding a fly swatter. She asks "What are you doing?" and he says "I'm killing flies. So far I've gotten three males and two females."

Puzzled, she asks "How can you tell the sex of a fly?"

"Easy," says the husband, "Three of them were on a beer can and the other two were on the telephone."

 

Oookay, well maybe it's not such a good one, but hell it made ME laugh

Very Good!!

[Li§a]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

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-

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Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round

[T-BONE]

CREATION STORY

 

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the

Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli,

Cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red

Vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live

Long and healthy lives.

 

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and

Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan

Said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said,

"Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it,

Add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And

Satan smiled.

 

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman

Might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And

Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and

Sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman

Went from size 6 to size 14.

 

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan

Presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons

And garlic toast on the side.

 

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following

The repast.

 

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy

Vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And

Satan brought forth deep fried fish and

Chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own

Platter. And Man gained more weight and his

Cholesterol went through the roof.

 

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named

It "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan

Then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's

Food."

 

God then brought forth running shoes so that His

Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan

Gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not

Have to toil changing the channels. And Man and

Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue

Light and gained pounds.

 

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in

Fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled

Off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center

Into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained

Pounds.

 

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume

Fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And

Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double

Cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with

That?"And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"

And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into

Cardiac arrest.

 

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

 

Then Satan created HMOs.

 

Thought for the day ......

There is more money being spent on breast implants

And Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This

Means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly

population with perky boobs and huge erections and

absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[T-BONE]

Hell Explained:

 

You gotta love this guy's explanation of hell.

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can all safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

 

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different

religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state

that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 

This gives two possibilities:

 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will

increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls

in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell

freezes over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[Evil Rick]

WELCOME TO TPA (Terrorist-Proof Airlines)

 

We at TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business.

 

We can absolutely guarantee NO WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons will ever be carried onto OUR FLIGHTS!

 

Book your next flight with TPA, the safest airline in the industry!

 

[Seduced-By-Metal]

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

 

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

[Bubbasmama]

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

 

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

 

OMG.....I've been spending a lot of time in elevators lately......and this just has me rolling!!!

[Fat Freddy]

Stop me if you’ve heard this one:

 

Three jungle explorers are deep in the rain forest when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken to the cannibal village and brought before the tribe’s chief.

 

The chief comes out of his hut, walks up to the first man, and asks him, “Death… or Bunga-Bunga?”

 

The explorer, puzzled, says “I don’t know what Bunga-Bunga is, but it can’t possibly be worse than death. I choose Bunga-Bunga.”

 

The Chief screams “BUNGA-BUNGA!”

 

So the guards grab the explorer, strip him naked, bend him over, and fifty cannibals line up and screw him in the rear end.

 

The chief walks up to the second man and asks, “Death… or BUNGA-BUNGA?”

 

The second man says “Well, it looks absolutely horrible, but it’s still got to be better than death. I choose Bunga-Bunga too.”

 

The chief screams “BUNGA-BUNGA!”

 

The guards take the second man, strip him naked, bend him over, and this time one hundred cannibals line up and screw him in the rear end.

 

The chief walks up to the last man and asks once again, “Death… or BUNGA-BUNGA?”

 

The third man stands up straight and says haughtily, “Well, SOMEONE has to do the honorable thing here. I choose DEATH.”

 

The chief screams, “DEATH……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

….. BY BUNGA-BUNGA!”

[Rick]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while

they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly

jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and

stayed there.

 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and

pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's

heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the

hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good

news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since

you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and

saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act

displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you

saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right

after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

 

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How

soon can I go home?"

[Nick C]

Someone at work sent me this

 

Badly thought out web site names

 

All of these are legitimate companies that didn’t spend quite

enough

time considering how their online names might appear ... and be

misread.

 

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent

that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is

www.whorepresents.com <http://www.whorepresents.com/>

 

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can

exchange advice and views at

www.expertsexchange.com <http://www.expertsexchange.com/>

 

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.

penisland.net <http://www.penisland.net/>

 

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

www.therapistfinder.com <http://www.therapistfinder.com/>

 

5. There’s the Italian Power Generator company,

www.powergenitalia.com <http://www.powergenitalia.com/>

 

6. And don’t forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South

Wales,

www.molestationnursery.com <http://www.molestationnursery.com/>

 

7. If you’re looking for IP solutions, there’s always

www.ipanywhere.com<http://www.ipanywhere.com/>

 

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is

www.cummingfirst.com <http://www.cummingfirst.com/>

 

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Website,

www.speedofart.com <http://www.speedofart.com/>

[JustJason]

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

 

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason:

"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!

I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman, KS.

______________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

He was a Chef?

Yep...From Kansas City!

______________________________________________

 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

___________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.

She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."

Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."

Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

____________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !

_______________________________________________________

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us . . . and they REPRODUCE

[Fat Freddy]

"Welcome To New Jersey"

 

Two men were driving through New Jersey when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

You're in New Jersey, son," the trooper answered. "When we pullyou over in New Jersey, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do THAT for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Yorkers," the trooper says,"two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

[aMetalhead1966]

"Welcome To New Jersey"

 

Two men were driving through New Jersey when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

You're in New Jersey, son," the trooper answered. "When we pullyou over in New Jersey, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do THAT for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Yorkers," the trooper says,"two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

[Fat Freddy]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

 

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog  Spike. He won't bother you.  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

 

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

 

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

 

The parrot replied, "GET HIM, Spike!"

[Nick C]

" I went for a curry last night and had a Chicken Tarka"

 

"Don't you mean Chicken Tikka?"

 

"No it's otter"

[66 mustang]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.

 

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

 

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 lbs. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

 

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

 

"I want to get weighed," she said. So back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and Joe lost his dollar.

 

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

 

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

 

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[66 mustang]

Subject: A Little Boy and His New Train

 

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b*stards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*stards who are getting on, get your [censored] in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

[manicego]

DRUNK / DRINKING JOKES

 

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast." The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got." The bartender says, "What've you got?" The guy says, "75 cents."

-------------------------------------------------

 

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.

 

“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put all your dough in a bag!”

 

“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep. “I’ll do whatever you say!”

 

The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All right, now give me a blow job!”

 

“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just don’t shoot!”

 

The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.

 

The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun, dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might walk in!”

--------------------------------------------------------

 

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

 

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

 

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

 

"How does it work?"

 

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

 

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you as*hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

--------------------------------------------

 

 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the

driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'Lets do it!' And, she's always sound asleep."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

 

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

 

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

-----------------------------------------------

 

A man walks into a bar, absolutely infuriated. He grabs a seat and hunches over. The bartender leans over, sayin "What can I get'ya". The man orders a beer. As the bartender gives him the beer he asks him why he's in such a mood. The man replies saying " Lawyers are assholes man." Suddenly, a man in the back stood up. "HEY BUDDY, I TAKE OFFENCE TO THAT!" The man sitting down scowels and says "What are you a lawyer?" The man replies "NO, IM AN ASSHOLE".

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A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

 

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

 

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

 

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

 

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

 

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

 

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

 

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[manicego]

MORE JOKES:

 

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

 

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

 

But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

 

Again the man ignores the voice, but he’s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.

 

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s."

 

He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

 

The man does as he is told.

 

When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

 

Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.

 

"Now watch," says the voice.

 

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

 

Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.

 

The voice says, "Fuck."

------------------------------------------

 

A guy phones up his boss' house, but gets the boss' wife instead. He asks to speak to her husband.

 

"I'm afraid he died earlier today," she says.

 

The next day, the man calls again and asks for the boss.

 

"I told you," the wife replies, "he died yesterday."

 

The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time, the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I've already told you twice that he died. Why do you keep calling?"

 

"Because," he replies, laughing, "I just love hearing it!"

---------------------------------------------------

 

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

 

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

 

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

 

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

 

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

 

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

 

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

 

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a hot blonde walks up and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. "I hope you don't mind," she says to the two men, "but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." She strips naked and rolls the dice.

 

As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down screams, "I WON I WON!!"

 

She then hugs both the dealers, picks up her money and her clothes, and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

 

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"

 

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

---------------------------------------------

 

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.

 

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

 

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

 

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test TICKLES".

----------------------------------------------------

 

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

 

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

 

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.

 

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

 

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

 

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.

 

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

 

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

 

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

 

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

 

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay," and off they went.

 

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

----------------------------------------

 

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

 

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

 

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

 

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

 

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

------------------------------------------

 

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

 

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

 

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

 

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

 

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

 

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

------------------------------------

 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

 

Dear God,

 

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday

someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

 

Sincerely,

 

Edna

 

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other

workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few

dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which

they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

 

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from

the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter

was opened. It read:

 

Dear God,

 

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.

We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.