STRESS RELIEF

[whiplash1972]

Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the nursing

home,taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on

the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a

picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

 

 

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky

Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

 

 

"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice.

 

 

"Have you got a license for that thing?"

 

 

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulle dout a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

 

 

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

 

 

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted,

 

 

"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

 

 

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster an! d held it up to him. Harold nodded and said,

 

 

"Carry on, Ma'am."

 

 

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in frontof her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

 

 

"Oh, good grief," said Ethel. "Not the breathalyzer again!"

[66 mustang]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,

they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

[Bubbasmama]

FLAT TARR (PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS.)

 

 

There was this fellow from East Tennessee who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

 

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he

turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

 

The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."

 

In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

 

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."

 

[66 mustang]

Dear Family:

 

I just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local

mall. I came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are

living in poverty. Most young men I observed didn't even own a belt;

there was not one among the whole group. But that wasn't the sad part.

Many were wearing their daddy's jeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy

they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know some must

have been ashamed their daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went

below their knees. They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for

most had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.

 

It grieved me, in a modern, affluent society like America, there are

people who can't afford a decent pair of jeans. I was thinking about

asking my church to start a jeans drive for "poor kids at the mall."

Then on Christmas Eve, I could go Christmas caroling and distribute

jeans to these poor teenagers.

 

But here is the saddest part..... it was the girls they were hanging

out with that disturbed me most. I never, in all of my life, seen such

poverty-stricken girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the

guys. They all had to wear their little sisters clothes. Their jeans

were about 5 sizes too small! I don't know how they could put them on,

let alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hipbones.

Most also had on their little sister's top; it hardly covered their

midsections. Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride,

but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children's

clothes. However, it was their underwear that bothered me most. They,

like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes, had

their underwear exposed. I never saw anything like it. It looked like

their underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.

 

I know it saddens your heart to receive this report on condition of our

American teenagers. While I go to bed every night with a closet full of

clothes nearby, there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have

enough material to keep it together. I think their "poorness" is why

these 2 groups gather at the mall, boys with their short daddies'

ripped jeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes. The mall is

one place where they can find acceptance.

 

So, next time you are at the mall, doing your shopping, and you pass by

some of these poor teenagers, would you say a prayer for them?

 

And one more thing ... Will you pray the guys' pants won't fall down,

and girls' strings won't break?

[T-BONE]

WHY LATINOS CANT BE TERRORISTS...

 

 

 

1. 8:45 am is too early for us to be up.

 

 

 

2. We are always late, we would have missed all 4

flights.

 

 

 

3. Pretty people on the plane distract us.

 

 

 

4. We would talk to loudly and bring attention to

ourselves.

 

 

 

5. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget

why we 're there.

 

 

 

6. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to

put our weapons down.

 

 

 

7. We would ALL want to fly the plane.

 

 

 

8. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.

 

 

 

9. We can't keep a secret, we would have told everyone

a week before doing it.

 

 

 

 

 

AND MY FAVORITE.....

 

 

 

10. WE would have put our country's flag on the

windshield.

[T-BONE]

HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

 

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough little Hillbillies, as they could not afford a larger bed. The husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children and asked what could be done.

 

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive. "A less costly alternative is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

 

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can and holding it next to my ear and counting to 10 is going to help me."

 

"Trust me," said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can to his ear and began to count...

 

"1"

 

"2"

 

"3"

 

"4"

 

"5"

 

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

 

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Mississippi, Pennsivlania, and West Virginia.

[Nick C]

Haha found this made me laugh...a little outta date so apologies if you've heard it

 

What's George Michael & a pair of wellies got in common?

They both get sucked off in bogs!

 

[Malebolgia]

Since I live in Nebraska I have to make fun of Wyoming. It's required by law...

 

 

How does a guy from Wyoming find a sheep in tall grass?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Very satisfying.

 

 

Thank you...I'll be here all week.

[Evil Rick]

George Bush's email:

[Rockposer]

Little Johnny was late for school.

 

His teacher asked "Johnny why are you so late for school?"

 

"My Dad got burned" Johnny replied.

 

"Oh goodness, not badly I hope" said his teacher.

 

"Well" said Johnny, "They don't fu*k about down the cremetorium.

[T-BONE]

Q- How many luthiers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A- One, but it will take 6 months...

 

Q- How do you know if a drummer is at your door?

A- The knocks aren't evenly spaced apart.

 

Q- How do you know if a lead singer is at your door?

A- He cant find the key and he doesn't know when to come in.

 

Q- How do you know if a guitarist is at your door?

A- His hat says "Domino's".

 

Q- How can you tell if the stage is level?

A- There is drool coming out both ends of the bassplayers mouth.

 

 

[Bubbasmama]

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

 

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a

year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as

you wish!"

 

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

 

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."

 

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.

 

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts

on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed

and is lying next to her, he says, "123" and suddenly he has the most

gigantic stiffy ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

 

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?

 

[Bubbasmama]

NEW SEAT BELT

 

 

[T-BONE]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a

party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son James is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son Alex is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son Michael studied in the best

universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:

A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth friend

returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son Samuel is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What shame...what disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. "

"His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[T-BONE]

Real Headlines of 2005.....

 

 

 

 

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

[imagine that!]

 

 

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[no, really?]

 

 

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[now that's taking things a bit far!]

 

 

 

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

 

 

 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[what a guy!]

 

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[no-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

 

 

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

 

 

 

War Dims Hope for Peace

[i can see where it might have that effect!]

 

 

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.

[you think?!]

 

 

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[who would have thought!]

 

 

 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

[they may be on to something!]

 

 

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

 

 

 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

[he probably IS the battery charge!]

 

 

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

 

 

 

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

 

 

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[boy, are they tall!]

 

 

And the winner is....

 

 

 

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Did I read that sign right?]

[whiplash1972]

A redneck couple had 9 children. After the birth of their 9th child, they went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."

The doctor asked them why, after 9 children, they would choose to do this?

 

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby since neither of them could speak Spanish.

[T-BONE]

The Husband Store

 

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a

woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance

is a description of how the store operates.

 

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper

ascends the flights.

 

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular

floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down

except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

 

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

 

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

 

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and

are extremely good looking.

 

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have

jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

 

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men

have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and

have a strong romantic streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign

reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no

men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that woman are

impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

The Wives Store

 

A new wives store opened across the street.

 

The first floor has wives that love sex.

 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

 

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[Bubbasmama]

Rolling over here.......

 

 

This could happen to you.

 

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

 

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

"Doin' just fine!"

 

And the other person says:

"So what are you up to?"

 

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

 

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over?"

 

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them

"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

 

Then I hear the person say nervously...

 

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

[66 mustang]

BOOTY CALL RULES:

 

1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.

3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have [censored] to talk about.

4. None of that "lovemaking" [censored] - only sex allowed.

5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.

6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.

7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.

8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your [censored] business.

10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.

11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.

12. No extra clothing - I don't want your [censored] leaving anything behind when you leave.

13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your [censored] up, get dressed and go the **** home. 14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.

15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."

17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

18. No condoms, no f.ucking. Carry your [censored] home.

19. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.

20. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your [censored].

 

* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS* The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly [censored] understands the rules.

 

 

 

Participating Party Signature_______________________________________ Date: ________________ Participating Party Signature_______________________________________ Date: ________________

Noterary ..1 Signature_______________________________________ Date: ________________

Noterary ..2 (Back up... Just in case you don't get how serious this is) Signature_______________________________________ Date: ________________

 

*Note... THERE IS NO FINE PRINT!

[66 mustang]

You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

 

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

 

March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

 

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!

 

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJ's.

[T-BONE]

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy right up to the pharmacist,

looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

 

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The

lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll

lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things

will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her

husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now.

That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[T-BONE]

Warning !!!!!

 

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

 

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

 

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

 

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

 

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

 

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

[T-BONE]

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your! neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[T-BONE]

If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will.

 

 

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

 

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

 

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.

 

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

 

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

 

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

 

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

 

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

 

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

 

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

 

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.

Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

 

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

 

When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

 

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!

 

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

[aMetalhead1966]

What do you call somebody who hangs around a Band?

 

The Drummer!!!!