STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

FUN WITH LOVE AND MARRIAGE

 

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

 

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

 

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

 

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

 

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

 

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

 

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

 

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 

Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.

 

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

 

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

 

First Guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

 

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

 

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

 

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

 

Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand.

[T-BONE]

7 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH YOUNG'NS

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

 

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute!"

 

A Sabbath school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, He's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet aint empty."

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

[T-BONE]

I'VE BEEN WONDERING...

 

WHY... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

WHY... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

WHY... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?

WHY... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?

WHY... the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?

WHY... women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

WHY... don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

WHY... is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

WHY... is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

WHY... is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

WHY... is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

WHY... is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

WHY... isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

WHY... didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

WHY... do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

WHY... don't they make the whole plane out of that same indestructible stuff black boxes are made out of?

WHY... don't sheep shrink when it rains?

WHY... are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

WHY... if flying is so safe, do they call the airport the terminal?

WHY... ? Good question.

[Geoff]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards, who are getting on, get your ass in the train, because we're going down the tracks."

 

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

 

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

 

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[JamesEagle]

 

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute!"

 

 

Love this one, classic!