STRESS RELIEF

[aMetalhead1966]

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

 

A business man got on an elevator.

 

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'

 

He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'

 

She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.

 

He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'

 

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'

 

The man smiled back to her and once again,'S-H-I-T.'

 

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

 

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'

 

The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey,

 

It's Thursday'

[T-BONE]

[66 mustang]

ONE DAY, A MOUSE SAID TO THE DOG...............

[whiplash1972]

A man lays in bed with his girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour

just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

 

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that so much?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

[66 mustang]

want to hear a great joke?

 

my work place

[Nick C]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?'

 

He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Faron]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?'

 

He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

 

[Faron]

A man lays in bed with his girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour

just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

 

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that so much?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

 

Classic

[Faron]

Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into The dating world. Finally, Jane says she'll go out, but doesn't know

anyone.

 

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet."

 

Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend at the lake.

 

Their first night there, she undresses as does he. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, while he is in his birthday suit.

 

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

 

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore but down there I am still in mourning."

 

The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit, except that he has a black condom over his erection.

 

She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences....."

 

Excellent

[Faron]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

 

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

 

"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[Faron]

A professor at University of Montana was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

 

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

 

'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

 

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

 

 

 

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

 

[Faron]

A man and his wife were preparing to go out for the evening. She had

just stepped out of the shower and he was shaving. Suddenly the door

bell rang. "Would you get that?" the husband said. Even though she was

naked with wet hair she pulled a bath robe on and proceeded to answer

the door bell.

 

Upon opening the door she discovered the next door neighbor on their

doorstep. He gazed at her a moment and suddenly said "I'll give you $500

to open that robe and let me have a look". She was somewhat taken aback

but upon reflection thought that it would be an easy way to earn $500

and, while embarrassing, no one would ever know. So she spread apart her

robe for him to see.

 

After feasting his eyes on her naked body for several minutes, he

handed her $500 and left.

 

So, she closed her robe and slammed the door. "Who was it?" her husband

yelled. " The next door neighbor." she replied. "Did he give you that

$500 he owes me?" asked her husband.

 

[Faron]

Johnny

 

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to

teach good manners

to fifth graders asked her students the following

question: "Michael, if

you were on a date having dinner with a nice young

lady, how would you

tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

 

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."The

teacher responded by

saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about

you Peter, how

would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to

the bathroom. I'll

be right back." "That's better, but it's still not

very nice to say the

word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little

Johnny, can you use

your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a

moment?! I have to

shake hands with a very dear friend of m ine, whom I

hope you'll get to

meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

[Faron]

Check Up

 

A man went to see the nurse for his annual check up.

She looked at him and said "I think you should stop masturbating".

"Why?", he asked,

"Well," She said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

 

 

Womens trouble

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It finally all makes sense....I never looked at it this way before:

 

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist & when women have real trouble, its a HISterectomy!

 

Ever noticed how women's problem start with MEN??!

[Faron]

Pooping at Work Etiquette

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As

much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the

WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping

at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking

a dump at work.

 

 

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so

the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets

a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be

careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full

fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to

make sure the smell has left your pants.

 

 

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before

pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If

there are others in the bathroom, leave and come

back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT

FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch

you constantly going into the bathroom.

 

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at

the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is

usually accompanied by a sudden wave of

embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not

acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are

standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend

you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or

laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

 

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a

machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of

diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do

not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has

left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness

of what just occurred.

 

 

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop

hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime

the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help

you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

 

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door

after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be

a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and

busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that

the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable

walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY

FLUSH.

 

 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn

proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet

Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or

magazine under his or her arm. Always look around

the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before

entering the bathroom.

 

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK ( P.F.N):

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure

emergency pooping goes off without incident. This

group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out

Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

 

SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in

the building where you can least expect visitors.

Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite

sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your

sex entering the bathroom.

 

 

TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in

the stall and tries to force the door open. This is

one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that

can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs,

remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.

This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye

contact.

 

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the

bathroom that you are in a stall is called a

Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a

WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The

Camo-Cough is very effective when used in

conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

 

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert

potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a

stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall

is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the

bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in

peace.

 

 

WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud

splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also

an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon

coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud

splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an

Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

 

 

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger

around forever. This person could spend extended

lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on

the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax

while on the crapper, as you should always wait to

poop when the bathroom is empty.

 

This benefits you as well as other bathroom

attendees. Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the

 

WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

[T-BONE]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

 

The Jew replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

 

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'

 

'OK,' said the old Jew, 'It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that... If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need...Shalom.'

 

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

 

Several hours later he staggered back and, through his parched throat, muttered: 'Your brother won't let me in his restaurant without a tie.

[Faron]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

 

The Jew replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

 

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'

 

'OK,' said the old Jew, 'It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that... If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need...Shalom.'

 

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

 

Several hours later he staggered back and, through his parched throat, muttered: 'Your brother won't let me in his restaurant without a tie.

 

[T-BONE]

If the following is any indication, it's evident that hiring a lawyer to defend you should be a very careful process...

 

 

 

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

 

WITNESS: I forget.

 

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

 

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

 

WITNESS: Getting laid

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

 

WITNESS: None.

 

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

 

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

 

WITNESS: By death.

 

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

WITNESS: Take a guess.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

 

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

 

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

 

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

 

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

 

WITNESS: Oral.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

And the best for last:

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

 

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

 

 

 

 

THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.

[Faron]

If the following is any indication, it's evident that hiring a lawyer to defend you should be a very careful process...

 

 

 

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

 

WITNESS: I forget.

 

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

 

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

 

WITNESS: Getting laid

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

 

WITNESS: None.

 

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

 

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

 

WITNESS: By death.

 

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

WITNESS: Take a guess.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

 

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

 

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

 

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

 

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

 

WITNESS: Oral.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

And the best for last:

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

 

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

 

 

 

 

THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.

 

Some great ones there

[Dave]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he will have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "G'day mate, mind if I talk to your dog?'

 

VILLAGER: The dog doesn't talk you stupid Aussie.

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Hello dog, how is it goin' mate?

 

DOG: Doin' all right.

 

KIWI: {Look of extreme shock}

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Is this villager your owner? {pointing at the villager}

 

DOG: Yep

 

VENTRILOQUIST: How does he treat you?

 

DOG: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

 

KIWI: {Look of utter disbelief}

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Mind if I talk to your horse?

 

KIWI: Uh, the horse doesn't talk either......I think.

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Hey horse, how's it going?

 

HORSE: Cool

 

KIWI: {Absolutely dumbfounded}

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Is this your owner? {Pointing at the villager}

 

HORESE: Yep.

 

VENTRILOQUIST: How does he treat you?

 

HORSE: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

 

KIWI: {Total look of amazement}

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Mind If I talk to the sheep?

 

KIWI: {In a panic} The sheep's a liar.

[Faron]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he will have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "G'day mate, mind if I talk to your dog?'

 

VILLAGER: The dog doesn't talk you stupid Aussie.

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Hello dog, how is it goin' mate?

 

DOG: Doin' all right.

 

KIWI: {Look of extreme shock}

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Is this villager your owner? {pointing at the villager}

 

DOG: Yep

 

VENTRILOQUIST: How does he treat you?

 

DOG: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

 

KIWI: {Look of utter disbelief}

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Mind if I talk to your horse?

 

KIWI: Uh, the horse doesn't talk either......I think.

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Hey horse, how's it going?

 

HORSE: Cool

 

KIWI: {Absolutely dumbfounded}

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Is this your owner? {Pointing at the villager}

 

HORESE: Yep.

 

VENTRILOQUIST: How does he treat you?

 

HORSE: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

 

KIWI: {Total look of amazement}

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Mind If I talk to the sheep?

 

KIWI: {In a panic} The sheep's a liar.

 

The best while in a while

[Glen]

The gorgeous lesbians next door gave me a rolex for my birthday.

 

Very nice but I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

[Glen]

for the UK guys -

 

FACE - has their face fallen on one side?

 

ARMS - can they raise both arms & keep them there?

 

SPEECH - is their speech slurred?

 

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

time to get her pants off..........the rohypnol is taking effect

[Faron]

The gorgeous lesbians next door gave me a rolex for my birthday.

 

Very nice but I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

 

[Glen]

Just been done by the Police.

 

According to the law wrapping your cock in the Beano and wanking is not part of comic relief.