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>The President has lost patience with the Army Special Forces. So his

> >latest idea to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the mountains of

> >Afghanistan is to send in a team of Redneck Special Forces.

> >

> >Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with the

> >following information:

> >

> >1. There is no limit.

> >2. The season opened last weekend.

> >3. They taste just like chicken.

> >4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.

> >5. They don't like barbecue.

> >6. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

> >

> >And that should just about do it...........

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An 80 year old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The

doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80 year old said, "I've never felt

better. I have an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What

do you think about that?"


The doctor considers his question for a minute then replies, "I have a

friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was

going out in a bit of a hurry and this is what he did. He accidentally

picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek

that's when he saw a prime beaver. The beaver was sitting beside a stream

of water. He raised his umbrella and went "Bang!" "Bang!" The beaver

fell over dead. What do you think of that?"


The 80 year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly!!!"

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Tim, This Is How To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace:


This is good stress relief:



Page yourself over the intercom. Don't even try to disguise your voice.


Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.


Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." Or, "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."


Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."


Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.


While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.


Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.


Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.


Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.


Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.


Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.


Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."


Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.


Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."


:lol: This one is my all time favorite!! :lol: Just think of "Cornholio"


Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

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I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for

> about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a damn

> motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.


> So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about

> giving a guy a break?"


> He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

> So I called him a pencil-necked-nazi. He glared at me

> and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

> So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second

> ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started

> writing a third ticket!


> This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the

> more tickets he wrote.


> I didn't give a damn--my car was parked around the corner.


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Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around

the bush. You have AIDS."


Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"


The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy

sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in

hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2

box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."


Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"


Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of

what your ass is for."

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In pharmacology, as you know, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is

acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is

Ibuprofen, and so on.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced

that it has settled on Mycoxafailin. Also considered were Mycoxafloppin,

Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, and Alimpdixafixit. And of

course, Ibepokin.

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You Know You're Trailer Trash When

> 1.---The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than

> your spouse.


> 2.---You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner

> table in front of her kids.


> 3.---You're been married three times and still have the same

> in-laws.


> 4.---You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" bowls on a

> different night.


> 5.---Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."


> 6.---You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so

> clean.


> 7.---Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey,

> watch this."


> 8.---You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.


> 9.---Your junior prom had a daycare.


> 10.---Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.


> 11.---You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are:

> "Gentlemen, start your engines."


> 12.---You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded

> right off its wheels.


> 13.---The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending

> on how much gas is in it.


> 14.---You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.


> 15.---One of your kids was born on a pool table.


> 16.---You need one more hole punched in your cards to get a freebie

> at the House of Tattoos.


> 17.---You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a

> law against it.


> 18.---You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.


> 19.---Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


> 20.---Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

> ***************************************

> Subject: some thoughts

> 1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons.

> The

> stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one

> carrion

> allowed per passenger."


> 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and

> became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and

> never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became know as the

> lesser of two weevils.


> 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire

> in

> the craft it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it,

> too.


> 4. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up

> to

> the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


> 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root

> canal? He wanted to trancend dental medication


> 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing

> in

> the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an

> hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

> "But

> why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand

> chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


> 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to

> a

> family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal". The other goes to a family in

> Spain;

> they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to

> his

> birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she

> wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're

> twins! If you seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


> 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up

> a

> small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers

> from

> the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was

> unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He

> went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the

> rival

> florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in

> town

> to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their

> store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they

> did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist

> friars.


> 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

> produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very

> little, which made him rather frail; and with his odd diet, he suffered

> from bad breath. This made him what?


> A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


> 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to

> friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them

> laugh.

> Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.. This is your grandma's idea.

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Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball

> > into

> >

> > >the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to

> get

> > >his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup

> in

> > >the patch.

> > >

> > >All of a sudden... POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old


> > >appeared.

> > >

> > >She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make

> those

> > >buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn


> > >rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your

> > >toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't


> > any

> >

> > >butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN POOF!.... she was


> > >

> > >After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred.> "Fred,

> > >where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

> > >

> > >Dave yells back...... "DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T


> > >

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One day, the owner of a dildo shop went out of town for some personal business. He told his employee to sell as many as possible with no discounts. The employee was soon greeted by a black woman who wanted to try out a white dildo. The clerk said that will be $100 which she gladly paid. Soon after, a white woman came in looking for a black dildo. The clerk said that will be $100, which she gladly paid. About an hour later, a blonde walks in. The employee gave her a thorough overview of their stock. After a few minutes she said, how much is that plaid one? The employee looked stunned then realized the one she mentioned. That's our best dildo in the entire store he said- it's $1000. The blonde was excited and promptly paid for it. The boss came back a little while later and asked "how much did you sell today?" The employee said $1200- the boss was shocked. What exactly did we sell he asked?- the shelves don't look too empty. Well, the employee said, I sold 1 white dildo for $100, 1 black dildo for $100, and your thermos for $1000.

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That's great Reno! :lol: I'll try to get the arrows out next time- I don't care for them either. They were sent to me through email.

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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.


Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,

'OK, take off all you crose.'


So she did.


Dr Chang then said,

'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'


So she did.


Dr Chang then said,

'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'


So she did.


Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,

'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I

ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'


Confused the woman asked,

'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'


Dr Chang replied,

'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass’

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Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.


When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"


One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.


When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"


Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.


Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend

so get yourself a dog."

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Oil Changing Instructions for Women:


1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


Money spent:


$20.00 for oil change

$1.00 for coffee.


TOTAL: $21.00



Oil Change Instructions for Men:


1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.

2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.

3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.

4. Open a beer and drink it.

5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

8. Place drain pan under engine.

9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.

10. give up and use crescent wrench.

11. Unscrew drain plug.

12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.

13. Clean up mess.

14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

15. Look for oil filter wrench.

16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.

17. Beer.

18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.

23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

25. Remember drain plug from step 11.

26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

28. Drink Beer.

29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.

30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.

31. Drink beer.

32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.

34. Begin cussing a fit.

35. Throw wrench.

36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.

36. Beer.

37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38. Beer.

39. Beer.

40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41. Beer.

42. Lower car from jack stands.

43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

45. Beer

46. Test drive car.

47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

48. Car gets impounded.

49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.


Money spent:


$50.00 parts

$25.00 Beer

$75.00 replacement set of jack stands

$1,000.00 Bail

$200.00 Impound and towing fee


TOTAL: $1,350.00

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All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet in the good old USA with the right attorney you could win anything! (see OJ trial)




1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas

was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after

breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was

running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of

the store were understandably surprised at the

verdict, considering the misbehaving little prick was

Ms. Robertson's son.


2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles

won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor

ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman

apparently didn't notice there was someone at the

wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his

neighbor's hubcaps.


3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol

Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished

robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get

the garage door to go up, because the automatic door

opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the

house because the door connecting the house and garage

locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on

vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the

garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi

he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson

sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the

situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury

agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.


4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock

Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses

after being bitten on the buttocks by

his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a

chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr.

Williams. The award was less than sought

because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked

by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it

repeatedly with a pellet gun.


5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to

pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500

after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx.

The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw

it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an



6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware

successfully sued the owner of a night club in a

neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom

window to the floor and knocked out her two front

teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to

sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid

paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded 12,000

and dental expenses.

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Men are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.


I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen".


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?


You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last

second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.


According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.


Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?


I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.


In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.


Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.


There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.


How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an

appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."


You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a

video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

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A newlywed couple had only been married for a few weeks.


The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to get out on the town and party with his old buddies.


So, he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be back in a little while."


"Where are you going, coochy-coo...?" asked the wife.


"I'm going to the bar pretty face, to have a beer."


The wife says, "You want a beer, my love?" She opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different brands of beers from 12 different countries.


The husband didn't know what to do. The only thing that he could think of to say was, "Yes, but at the bar...you know...they have...frozen mugs." He didn't get to finish the sentence.


The wife interrupted him, saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She opened the freezer and handed him a frozen solid mug.


The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those special hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be too long...I'll be right back...I promise. OK?"


"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochy poo?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: spicy chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, fried mushrooms, pork strips, cheese dip, the works. "But sweetie, at the bar...you know...the guys are cussing and swearing..."


The wife replies, "You want cussing and swearing, cutie pie?



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The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a

speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets

President Bush. They shake hands and the Saudi says, "You

know, I have just one question about what I have seen in



President Bush says, "Well your Excellency, anything I can

do to help you, I will do."


The Saudi whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek'

and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never

any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why

there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."


President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi and

whispers back, "That's because it takes place in the


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A Texan, an Arab, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan

pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a swig, then another, and

suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the

bottle in mid air.


The Arab looks at him and says, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly

good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of

whiskey and bottles are cheap,"


A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Arab pulls out a bottle of

oil, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy

from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for?

That was a perfectly good bottle of Oil" The Arab says "In my country

there's plenty of oil and bottles are cheap,"


So a while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens

it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts

the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots

the Arab.


The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?" The guy from Michigan says,

"Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Arabs, but bottles are worth a dime."

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There was a gynecologist who decided he wanted to be an auto mechanic. So he went to school for a few months, took the test and made 110 on it. He went up to the teacher and asked how this was possible. The teacher said he had done everything perfectly. The man said, but I made a 110 instead of 100. Well, the instructor said- no one else assembled the engine through the tailpipe.

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