STRESS RELIEF

[Bubbasmama]

Got kids???

 

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

 

 

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

 

 

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mama."

 

 

Yeah.......I know they're old.......but they still made me chuckle!!!

[Bubbasmama]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your breasts and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning, she was running late and when she was on the bus, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her, winked, and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

 

:rofl:

[66 mustang]

A man was very unhappy because he had no romance in his life at all. So, he went to see the famous Chineese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Dr. Chang looked at him and said "ok, take off your crose", which he did.

"Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of the room. Which the man did. "Ok, now crawl reey fass to me" Dr. Chang said. The man did.

Dr. Chang looked at the man and said "your problem velly velly bad. You have Ed Zackery disease.

The man, looking bewildered asked "what is Ed Zackery Disease"

"It when your face rook Ed Zackery rike your a$$"

[Dusty]

Ok, got this one at the Steve Lukather concert yesterday (from Luke himself...)

 

What do caviar and Michael jackson have in common?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They both come on little white crackers

[T-BONE]

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

 

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

 

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

 

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone! I’m married!"

[hsf]

Ok, got this one at the Steve Lukather concert yesterday (from Luke himself...)

 

What do caviar and Michael jackson have in common?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They both come on little white crackers

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I'm sure that's been around for a while, but that's hilarious!

[Bubbasmama]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

 

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.

 

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

 

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

 

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune......... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

 

 

And you thought all they did was say Hello

 

:rofl:

[TIM]

[Dusty]

LOL that was funny...

[T-BONE]

This just in!!! Breaking News!!! After months of research, a top secret facility of highly trained scientists have discovered what the true meaning of "vegetarian" is. It's an old indian word for "Shitty Hunter"

[T-BONE]

Abbot & Costello in the 21st Century

If Abbott and Costello were still around today their famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this....

 

 

 

 

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . .

 

 

 

 

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?

 

 

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

 

 

ABBOTT: Mac?

 

 

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

 

 

ABBOTT: Your computer?

 

 

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

 

 

ABBOTT: Mac?

 

 

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

 

 

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

 

 

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

 

 

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

 

 

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

 

 

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

 

 

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

 

 

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

 

 

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

 

 

ABBOTT: Office.

 

 

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

 

 

ABBOTT: I just did.

 

 

COSTELLO: You just did what?

 

 

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

 

 

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

 

 

ABBOTT: Yes.

 

 

COSTELLO: For my office?

 

 

ABBOTT: Yes.

 

 

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

 

 

ABBOTT: Office.

 

 

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

 

 

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

 

 

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

 

 

ABBOTT: Word.

 

 

COSTELLO: What word?

 

 

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

 

 

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

 

 

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

 

 

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

 

 

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

 

 

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

 

 

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

 

 

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

 

 

ABBOTT: Real One.

 

 

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

 

 

ABBOTT: Of course.

 

 

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

 

 

ABBOTT: Real One.

 

 

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

 

 

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

 

 

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

 

 

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

 

 

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

 

 

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

 

 

COSTELLO: What word?

 

 

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

 

 

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

 

 

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

 

 

COSTELLO: It is?

 

 

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

 

 

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

 

 

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

 

 

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

 

 

ABBOTT: Money.

 

 

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

 

 

ABBOTT: Money.

 

 

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

 

 

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer

 

 

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

 

 

ABBOTT: Money.

 

 

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

 

 

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

 

 

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

 

 

ABBOTT: One copy.

 

 

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

 

 

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

 

 

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

 

 

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

 

 

 

 

A FEW DAYS LATER . . .

 

 

 

 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

 

 

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

 

 

ABBOTT: Click on "START"..

[T-BONE]

Today's The Day My Wife Met My Girlfriend

[ptrocks]

Today's The Day My Wife Met My Girlfriend

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

ahahahaha - hilarious!!! good one T

[T-BONE]

Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called "Towel Heads", since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet. Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads." Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter. And, God Bless America.

[T-BONE]

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Memorial Services are pending.

[T-BONE]

In case you need some help explaining to your child how he/she was born: Little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"

[T-BONE]

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW (??)

 

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

 

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

 

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

 

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down

continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

 

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

 

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

 

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

 

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was

albino.

 

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parent! s, daily.

 

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

 

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will

kill a small sized dog.

 

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's

stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

 

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

 

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear

pants.

 

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

 

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in

the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the

'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored

the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

 

17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at

the same time . hence, multi-tasking was invented.

 

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given! out during World War II were

made of wood.

 

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

 

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a

recorded Wendy before!

 

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple,

and silver!

 

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to

paint Mona Lisa's lips.

 

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and

sting itself to death.

 

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain

Kirk mask painted white.

 

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have

$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being

able to make change for a dollar (good to know).

 

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in

quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).

 

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an ol! d English law,which

stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb

(sign of a true civilized society ... not).

 

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for

automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the

Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

 

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of

celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

(Guess what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store?)

 

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

 

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

 

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often

stolen from Public Libraries.

 

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space

because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

[whiplash1972]

Two families moved from Pakistan to the USA.

 

When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet -- in a year's time,

whichever family had become more American would win $1000.

 

A year later they met again.

 

The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for

breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

 

The second man replied, "F#%k you, Rag head.”

 

 

 

 

[whiplash1972]

Redneck Newlyweds

 

A week after their marriage,

the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...

 

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried,"

said the husband.

 

"My testicles are turning blue." "That's pretty unusual,"

said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

 

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough,

the Redneck's testicles are blue.

 

The doctor turns to the wife.

"Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

 

"Yes, I am," she replied.

 

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

 

"Grape", she replied ...

[Bubbasmama]

Redneck Newlyweds

 

A week after their marriage,

the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...

 

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried,"

said the husband.

 

"My testicles are turning blue." "That's pretty unusual,"

said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

 

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough,

the Redneck's testicles are blue.

 

The doctor turns to the wife.

"Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

 

"Yes, I am," she replied.

 

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

 

"Grape", she replied ...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

OMG.........I thought for SURE they put the diaphragm ring......ummmmm......someplace it shouldn't oughta go!!!!

 

 

[swriter]

Susan Lucci is Phylis Dillar's daughter??? wowow, that's a strange one!!!! hahaha

[Malebolgia]

Hope this one isn't posted already. I didn't read through all 51 pages to look for it. Anyways...here it is...

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping. They set up their tent, eat dinner, and go to bed. A few hours later Holmes wakes up. He wakes Watson and says "Watson look up and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see stars". "What does that tell you?" asks Holmes. "Well, astronomically speaking it tells me that there are possibly millions of galaxies and billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo, and the time is approximately quarter past three. Meteorologically it tells me that it is going to be a beautiful day today." "What does it tell you Holmes?"

"Well", Holmes replies, "Mostly it tells me someone stole our fucking tent."

 

[Bubbasmama]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works

department.

 

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the

hole in.

 

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

 

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

 

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are

putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

 

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed....

 

"Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

 

But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[Evil Rick]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works

department...

I love it! That one is getting told tomorrow at work!

[Bubbasmama]

OMG.........the HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

First Date

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down

when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever...first

date or not!!!

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you

how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show"

with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing

first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first

date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale

took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had

taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a

day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had

never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until

they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down

the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not

have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere

with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested

she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because

of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him

that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be

the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her

pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,

so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to better steady

herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic

and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she

could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather

embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As

she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks

were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as

she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly

apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she

answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply

that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some

assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her Sweater

and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out

laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to

compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical

as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. They

both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from

the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the First

place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her

free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip

his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show Prize

hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought

your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment: "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.

 

 

:rofl: