STRESS RELIEF

[Dusty]

Doctor to a man: "I'm sorry to tell you, but you have three minutes left to live"

Man: "Oh no! Doctor, what can you give me?"

Doctor: "A hard-boiled egg"

[JustJason]

A traveling salesman is travelling the backwoods on his way to a new town. he's in the middle of nowhere. It's starts raining. His car makes a clunking sounds and just stops. He notices this big dark old building and realizes it's a monastery. realizing it's his only option, he knocks on the door. A young smiling monk answers the door. The salesman says, I am sorry to bother you but, my car has broken down and it's raining. The monk says it's no problem at all and invites him in. The monk offers to let him sleep there for the night. The salesman accepts. The monk shows him to his room and gives him some clean sleeping clothes. So showered and clean the salesman goes to bed. He has a hard time getting to sleep because of a noise he keeps hearing. It's a scraping sound and continues all night. In the morning the he realizes the monks have cleaned his clothes made him a great breakfast and even fixed his car. The young monk asks if there is anything else they can do for him before he continues his trip. The salesman says, there is one thing. Last night I heard a scraping sound. what is that noise? The monk says he knows of the sound but is not allowed to tell him what made it, because he the sales man is not a monk. The salesman leaves and really doesn't give it much more thought.

 

5 years later the saleman's car breaks down in front of the same monastery. Remembering the monks kindness he again knocks on the door. The same smiling monk answers and seems to not have aged at all. The monk remembers him and offers his assistance again. This time is just like the last clean sleeping clothes, a shower and a nice warm bed. However, this time the salesman hardly gets any sleeps because he hears the same scraping sound. he finally manages to fall asleep. When he wakes the next morning, he finds that again the monks have cleaned his clothes made him breakfast and fixed his car. Before sending him on his way, the smiling monk again asks if there is anything else they can do for the salesman. He again asks about the scraping sound. Again the monks admits knowing what made the sound but says that he cannot tell the salesman because he is not a monk. The salesman is a little ticked off, but leaves on his trip.

 

5 years later the salesman breaks down in front of the same monastery. Obviously he knocks on the door. The same smiling unaged monk answers the door. Immediately he knows the salesman neds their assistance again. Without a second thought he invites the salesman in. Gives him clean sleeping clothes, a place to shower and a nice comfortable bed. That night the salesman hears that same noise and doesn't sleep a wink. When he gets up in the morning, he sees everything he's expected. Clean clothes, a huge breakfast and a fixed car. Before sending him on his way the monk again asks if there is anything else he can do for him. This time the salesman says you have to tell me what is making that noise. The monk again says he is unable to because the salesman is not a monk. The salesman finally says what do I have to do to become a monk. The monk says it is not easy, but I will tell you. The monk says that the salesman must travel the earth counting all the grains of sand and all the blades of grass. The salesman says he needs to know so he will do it.

 

The salesman shows up at the monastery 20 years later, and tells the monk he has the answer to his questions. The Monk says tell me then. The salesman says there are 525,554,542,025 grains of sand and 784,656,001 petals of grass in the world. The monk smiles and says that is correct, you are now a monk. The salesman says now will you tell me what was making that noise? The monk says no, will not tell you what was making that noise. I will however show you what was making that noise.

 

They enter the monastery where the monks gives the salesman a key and says the answer is behind that door. The salesman takes the key and opens an old splintered wood door. Behind that door is a smooth wooden door. The monk gives him another key and he opens that one too. Behind that door is a carved wooden door to which the monk gives him a key to. Behind that door is a wood and glass door. Again the monk give him a key and he opens it. behind that door is a crystal door and a key is given to open that door as well. Behind that door is a ruby door to which a key is given to the salesman. behind that door is an emerald door, and again a key is used to unlock. Behind that door is a diamond door. Smiling the monk hands the salesman a key and he opens the door. Once through the door the salesman smiles realizing he finally is gazing upon what was making the noise. There standing before him is a.....

 

Wait a minute. I can't tell you guys. You're not monks.

[Blue Charvel]

Oh very nice...you are a bad man Metal Jay, a very bad man....

[Bubbasmama]

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

[T-BONE]

BREAKING NEWS!!!

 

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a

bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples

from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news

conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr.

Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

[Rick]

http://ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk4.swf

 

A concentration game for men. Good luck!

[Dusty]

http://www.gamehol.nl/games1/afreageren/killjepc.swf

 

If you ever get frustrated because of your PC not working ?? (everybody gets frustrated about that sometimes...) try this game, it's quite a relieve!

[T-BONE]

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

 

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

 

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

 

 

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

 

 

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

 

 

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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

 

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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

 

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

 

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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

 

 

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The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

 

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

 

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

 

 

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

 

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

 

Spades - King David

 

 

Hearts - Charlemagne

 

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

 

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

 

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

 

 

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Only two people signed the Declaration ofIndependenceon July 4th, John Hancock andCharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

 

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

 

A. Their birthplace

 

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

 

 

A. Obsession

 

 

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

 

 

A. One thousand

 

 

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

 

 

A. All invented by women.

 

 

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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

 

A. Honey

 

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

 

 

A. Father's Day

 

 

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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

 

 

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

 

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired

 

by this practice.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

[Bubbasmama]

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't know that!!! I am a total golf freak!!!!

[Evil Rick]

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I tried, couldn't do it. The wife tried, couldn't do it. However, my 2 year old discovered she can do it easily!

[T-BONE]

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender;

For example...

 

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

 

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

 

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

 

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

 

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

 

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

 

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

 

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

 

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

 

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But

consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[T-BONE]

Anyone out there watch Tennis? You may start after seeing THIS

[T-BONE]

Redneck Bridge Jumping This guy gets a 10 for Idiocy

[T-BONE]

Ninja Rap

[66 mustang]

When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh.

>You

>called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of

>murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend.

>

>Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could

>you?"

>-- but then you'd relent and roll me over for a belly rub.

>My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were

>terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of

>nuzzling

>you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I

>believed that life could not be any more perfect.

>

>We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice

>cream

>(I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs" you said), and I

>took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the

>day.

>

>Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and

>more

>time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you

>through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad

>decisions,

>and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.

>

>She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" -- still I welcomed her into our

>home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you

>were happy.

>

>Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was

>fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother

>them, too.

>Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my

>time

>banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love

>them, but

>I became a prisoner of love."

>

>As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and

>pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes,

>investigated my

>ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and

>their

>touch -- because your touch was now so infrequent -- and I would've

>defended

>them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to

>their

>worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your

>car

>in the driveway.

>

>There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you

>produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me.

>These

>past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had

>gone from

>being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my

>behalf.

>

>Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they

>will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the

>right

>decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only

>family.

>

>I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter.

>It

>smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the

>paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They

>shrugged and

>gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged

>dog,

>even one with "papers."

>

>You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed,

>"No,

>Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what

>lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love

>and

>responsibility, and about respect for all life.

>

>You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely

>refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet

>and now I

>have one, too. After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew

>about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another

>good

>home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"

>

>They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules

>allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago.

>

>At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it

>was you that you had changed your mind -- that this was all a bad dream...

>or I

>hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me.

>

>When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of

>happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and

>waited. I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and

>I

>padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet

>room.

>

>She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry.

>My

>heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a

>sense

>of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days.

>

>As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she

>bears

>weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every

>mood.

>She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her

>cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many

>years ago.

>

>She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting

>and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked

>into

>her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"

>

>Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She

>hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a

>better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have

>to fend

>for myself --a place of love and light so very different from this earthly

>place.

>

>And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of

>my

>tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her. It was directed at

>you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of you. I will think of you and

>wait for

>you forever. May everyone in your life continue to show you so much

>loyalty.

[Christine]

 

Anyone who ditches their pets should be put to sleep themselves!!!!

[Christine]

... and on a much more amusing note...

 

 

[T-BONE]

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"

[T-BONE]

Dinner At The Girlfriend's Home: Prom Night was coming up, and a girl announced to her boyfriend that she wanted to make it special and take a hotel room for the night. Being the responsible type, the boy went to the Pharmacy to purchase protection. The pharmacist was very helpful and guided the boy for about an hour and told him everything there was to know. The boy came early to pick his girlfriend, and her Mother invited him to join them for dinner. When they sat down, the boy, looking to impress her parents, offered to say grace then bowed his head. A minute passed, and the boy was still deep in prayer…5 minutes passed, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leaned over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[T-BONE]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group & explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, & occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, & have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, & worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings & decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, & I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen...manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, & huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself & is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call "British hospitality?" "No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[T-BONE]

A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual. He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up? The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her. The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

[T-BONE]

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to dry herself with she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties." That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, " FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU"

[T-BONE]

TWO priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Maine."

[T-BONE]

One day a little boy went to the zoo with his parents. He looked over at the elephant and asked his Mom, "What is that thing hanging from the elephant?" His Mom replied, "That is his tail!" The little boy asked."No, that other thing"? His Mom relied."That is its trunk!" The little boy said, "No that other thing in the middle?" The Mom responded with, "Oh, that thing! That's nothing!" With that, he ran over to his Dad and asked, "What is that thing hangin down in the middle of the elephant?" The Dad responded, "Well, that is its penis." The little boy said, "Mommy just said that it was nothing." The Dad just responded with giggles, "Well what can I say, She's spoiled!"

[66 mustang]

An Erie, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a

sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)