STRESS RELIEF

[Nick C]

A guy walks into a library and shouts, "Can I have a cheeseburger?!"

The librarian replies in a whisper, "This is a library!"

The guy replies in a whisper, " Can i have a cheeseburger?"

[T-BONE]

The 11th Husband....

 

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10

husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be

gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten

times.?"

 

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it

was going to be.

 

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was

suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

 

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out

diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he

didn't know when he would be able to deliver..

 

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted

three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art

method.

 

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't

sure whether it was his job or not.

 

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure

how to position it.

 

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

 

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

 

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss

him.

 

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

 

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT".---- This time I KNOW I'M gonna get

SCREWED."

[Chris]

A priest offered a Nun a lift

 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

 

The priest nearly had an accident..

 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

 

 

 

 

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

[Chris]

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

 

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

 

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

[phaffas]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he will have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "G'day mate, mind if I talk to your dog?'

 

VILLAGER: The dog doesn't talk you stupid Aussie.

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Hello dog, how is it goin' mate?

 

DOG: Doin' all right.

 

KIWI: {Look of extreme shock}

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Is this villager your owner? {pointing at the villager}

 

DOG: Yep

 

VENTRILOQUIST: How does he treat you?

 

DOG: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

 

KIWI: {Look of utter disbelief}

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Mind if I talk to your horse?

 

KIWI: Uh, the horse doesn't talk either......I think.

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Hey horse, how's it going?

 

HORSE: Cool

 

KIWI: {Absolutely dumbfounded}

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Is this your owner? {Pointing at the villager}

 

HORESE: Yep.

 

VENTRILOQUIST: How does he treat you?

 

HORSE: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

 

KIWI: {Total look of amazement}

 

VENTRILOQUIST: Mind If I talk to the sheep?

 

KIWI: {In a panic} The sheep's a liar.

 

Brilliant.

[Nick C]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

 

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

 

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."

 

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

 

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me..

 

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

 

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

 

 

 

 

 

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

[Nick C]

A kid loses his mum shopping in Tesco.

 

The shop manager comes over and asks him " What's she like?".

 

The kid replies "big dicks and vodka"!

[T-BONE]

WHERE TO RETIRE?

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where:

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

 

You can retire to California where:

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighbourhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

 

You can retire to New York City where:

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

 

You can retire to Maine where:

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

 

You can retire to the Deep South where:

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defence.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

 

You can retire to Colorado where:

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care centre.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

 

You can retire to the Midwest where:

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

 

AND you can retire to Florida where:

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people

[Chris]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

 

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

 

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

 

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

 

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

 

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

 

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

 

Johnny is even madder than before.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

 

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

 

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

 

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

 

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

 

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Nick C]

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

 

 

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

 

 

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

 

 

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

 

 

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

 

 

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

 

 

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

 

 

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"

 

 

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.. What should I do with it?"

 

 

"Why, eat it!Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

 

 

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

 

 

While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

 

 

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

 

 

 

Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father!"

 

 

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

 

 

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

 

 

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

 

 

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said..

 

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

 

 

"What are you doing Sister?"

 

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner"

 

 

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

 

 

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

 

 

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

 

 

Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

 

 

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect..The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

 

 

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

 

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

 

 

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

 

 

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

 

 

The Friar added," And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

 

 

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

 

 

A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people."

[Nick C]

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk

 

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

 

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.

I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

 

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a Laxative!"

 

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can!

 

Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

[T-BONE]

To: ALL STAFF

 

From: THE MANAGEMENT

 

Subject: The Use of Bad Language in the Work Place

 

It has been brought to the attention of the management that some people have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some of the employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated in the work place. However, because we appreciate the importance and value of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees, the Human Resources section has compiled a list of 'phrase replacements' so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive co-workers.

 

"You fucking loser" becomes "Well that was unfortunate"

 

"No fucking way" becomes "I'm fairly sure that's not feasible"

 

"You're fucking kidding" becomes "Really!"

 

"Tell someone who gives a fuck" becomes Have you run that by anyone else?"

 

"No cunt told me" becomes "I wasn't involved in that project"

 

"I don't have fucking time" becomes "Perhaps I can work late"

 

"Who fucking cares" becomes "Are you sure that's a problem"

 

"Eat shit and die" becomes "You don't say"

 

"Eat shit and die motherfucker" becomes "You don't say, Sir"

 

"Kiss my arse" becomes "So you'd like me to help you"

 

"He's a fucking prick" becomes "He's somewhat intensive"

 

"She's a ball busting bitch" becomes "She's an aggressive go-getter"

 

"You haven't got a fucking clue" becomes "You could use more training"

 

"This place is fucked" becomes "We're a bit disorganised today"

 

"What sort of fuckwit are you" becomes "You're new here aren't you"

 

"Fuck off shithead" becomes "Well there you go"

 

"You're a fucking wanker" becomes "You're my superior, I respect you"

 

"Fuck off dickhead" becomes "I no longer require your help"

 

"Fuck off" becomes "I'll see to it and get back to you"

 

"How did you get this piece of shit to work" becomes "Well done"

[T-BONE]

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth.

 

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

 

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

 

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

 

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

[T-BONE]

CLARKSONISM'S

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

 

- "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."

 

- "The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."

 

- Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."

 

- On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

 

- "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."

 

- "The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

 

- "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

 

- "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."

 

- "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

 

- Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

 

- "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."

 

- "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

 

- On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

 

- "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

 

- "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."

 

- "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."

 

- "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."

 

- "You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!"

 

- "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."

 

- On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

[T-BONE]

It appears that members of the African American community have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman from Florida has complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.

 

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

 

I can hear it now: A weatherman in Miami and Tampa says... Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!

[T-BONE]

OXYMORONS

 

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

[T-BONE]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

 

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

 

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

 

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

 

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember!" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

 

"I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have been released today."

[Chris]

Afternoon Sex

 

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment

was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to

report on all the neighborhood activities.

 

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

 

- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

 

- 'An ambulance just drove by!'

 

- 'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.

 

- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'

 

- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

 

- 'Jason is on his skate board!'

 

- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are screwing!!'

 

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called

out, 'How do you know they're screwing?'

 

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

[T-BONE]

Sometimes it becomes necessary to move your computer to a new location for whatever reason; installing/adding new hardware or just decided to move it for "easier access", for instance (note easier access in quotation marks).

 

Whatever your reason is, this handy guide may help you alleviate some of the stress that always arises in such occasions.

 

Keep in mind that this is a venture only to be undertaken by those who know what they're doing...and masochists.

 

1. Bone up on your cursing. You will need it later.

 

2. Pick a *good* spot to locate your computer. Don't be too picky; you will regret having started on this venture soon enough.

 

3. Disconnect all cables, cords, power sources, umbilical cords and plumbing. Look at the black, gray & white spaghetti mess on the floor and sob. Refer to number 1. While you're at it, it helps to focus on cursing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for making all this possible.

 

4. Be sure to dust machine off, since it's been sitting for months in one spot, gathering a dust mound the size of Mt. Rainier. This is especially essential if you have asthma.

 

5. Now that you've picked a *good* spot, it's time to replace all the cables, cords, etc. Make sure it's in a dark, hard-to-reach location.

 

6. New computers have color-coded plugs and plugins to make assembly easier. This has no bearing on you since your computer is in a dark, hard-to-reach location and they're all the same color: gray. See number 1.

 

7. Get a flashlight. Look for new batteries for flashlight you've left in the junk drawer for months. Go to store to buy new flashlight batteries since you don't have any. Rule number 1 is coming in handy now.

 

8. While inserting various cords and cables, be sure to drop at least one on the floor behind the desk, where it will take a contortionist to retrieve it.

 

9. Find out that your printer cable is now not long enough to reach the computer (see number 1). Oh well, you didn't use it that much anyway.

 

10. Once you have all the cables, etc. back in place, turn computer back on.

 

11. Sit, puzzled why computer isn't working.

 

12. Plug monitor in.

 

13. Ponder why keyboard and mouse don't work.

 

14. Switch keyboard and mouse plugins.

 

15. Call spouse in to admire your handiwork.

 

16. Spouse informs you that he/she liked it better where it was, and to move it back.

 

17. When asked why you're banging your head on the monitor, don't reply. It would only confuse him/her.

[T-BONE]

The following are sentences taken from actual letters received by welfare departments on applications for support:

 

 

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

 

I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

 

Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

 

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.

 

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

 

This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.

 

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.

 

I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

 

In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.

 

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.

 

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

 

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

 

You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.

 

I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

 

In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

 

I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

[T-BONE]

Corporate Stupidity

 

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

 

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."

(Lykes Lines Shipping)

 

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."

(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

 

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."

(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

 

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

 

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

 

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

 

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

 

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

[T-BONE]

So, you think English is easy, huh? Read to the end and see if you still think so.

 

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

 

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

 

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

 

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

 

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

 

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 

10. I did not object to the object.

 

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

 

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

 

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

 

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

 

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

 

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

 

18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

 

19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 

20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this...

 

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'

 

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

 

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

 

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

 

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP ...

 

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

 

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

 

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so... it is time to shut UP!

[JamesEagle]

Apparently the funniest joke in the world (according to laughlab.co.uk):

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[Fat Freddy]

Q: How can you tell if a house was built by lesbians?

A: It's all tongue-in-groove with no studs.

[Fat Freddy]

Heard this one the other day and it gave me a chuckle....

 

A guy tells his buddy, "Man, my elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better go to the doctor."

 

His buddy says, "Nah, you don't have to spend that kind of money. They have a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. You give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. And it only costs $10."

 

The guy was skeptical, but he took a urine sample to Wal-Mart and gave the machine a try. He poured in the sample, deposited his $10, and after a few moments of flashing lights and beeping noises, a card popped out of the machine that said "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting, and it will improve in about two weeks."

 

That night the guy was thinking about how amazing this new technology was, and wondered if it were possible to fool the computer. So just for the hell of it, he mixed up some tap water with urine samples from his wife, his daughter, and his dog. Just for good measure, he jacked off into the container too.

 

He hurried back to Wal-Mart, poured the mix into the machine, and deposited his $10. The machine hummed and blinked for a minute, then gave its diagnosis:

 

"Your tap water is too hard. You should get a water softener.

 

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with antifungal shampoo.

 

Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

 

Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours.

 

...and if you don't quit jacking off, you're going to go blind."