STRESS RELIEF

[Li§a]

[Doksdad]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed

to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy

a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the

end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Listen Buddy, it's

okay if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling

her a 'ballerina'?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman that can lift her leg that high has to be

a ballerina!"

[Li§a]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

 

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

 

85% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him,

he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

 

[T-BONE]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed

in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

 

***********************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway,

and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of

her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach

stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

 

 

***********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always

right, and the other is a husband.

 

***********************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's

license.

 

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:

 

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

 

"Can you read this?" the optician

asked.

 

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

 

************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to

them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in

the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired

of chardonnay."

 

************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her

husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful,"

he said, "CAREFUL!

Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too

many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get

MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be

CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST

your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to

salt them.

Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

 

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with

you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

 

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it

feels like when I'm driving."

 

**************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina

mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training,

the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The

Army has

been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[Bubbasmama]

************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her

husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful,"

he said, "CAREFUL!

Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too

many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get

MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be

CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST

your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to

salt them.

Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

 

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with

you? You  think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

 

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it

feels like when I'm driving."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

Well........if y'all would just do it RIGHT!!!!!!

[metaltrekman]

T-Bone Wrote

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always

right, and the other is a husband.

 

God! Aint it the truth!! We will never be right and it will never be enough!!

[66 mustang]

Living Will

>

>While watching the basketball game on TV, Thursday night my wife and I were

>discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to

>live in a vegetative state, dependent on some

>machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the

>plug."

>

>She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

>

>Some days I hate being married to a smart-ass

[aMetalhead1966]

A ham sandwich walks into a bar...the bartender yells

'Get outta here'...we don't serve food!!!

[aMetalhead1966]

What Happens if you put the batteries in backwards in the Energizer

Bunny??? He keeps on Cumming and Cumming....ahahahahaha!!

[Doksdad]

My baby picture......

 

[Li§a]

Happy Easter!

 

 

 

[aMetalhead1966]

Happy Easter!

 

 

 

!!!!!!!!

[Rick]

Great Job Offer

 

A black guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

 

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You will have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You will be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You will have a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.

 

The guy says, "You're bullshittin me."

 

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Nick C]

There is a massive disaster on Earth and the human race is wiped out!! So you can imagine it's pretty busy up in heaven.

So like when a ship goes down its a case of women and children first so St. Peter and the angels are getting them through the gates as fast as they can.

Anyway Peter looks up across the billions of men waiting to be let in and announces "Okay you guys I want you to sort yourselves into two queues while you're waiting......

 

...One queue made up of dominant men

...and one queue made up of men who were dominated

 

I'll be back in 5 years...which is fuck all up here!" and he buggers off

 

5 Heaven years later he comes back and looks at the queues.....He can't believe his eyes.

 

In the queue full of dominant men there is one lonely bloke while the rest of the men are in the queue for those who were dominated. He can't understand it and calls god over. The big G takes one look and his voice thunders out,

 

"I cannot believe it...I put man on the Earth to be strong and dominant and provide,protect and love his woman and yet I find only one man on the whole of Earth who will admit to this", He looks down at the one man and says "What have you to say to these men that stand in your shadow as lesser mortals?"

The guy looks up and says

 

"I dunno the missus told me to stand here!"

[Li§a]

he's a good man

[& then]

he's a good man

 

 

yep! A good man always knows his limitations!

[Chris]

A man and his wife were preparing to go out for the evening. She had

just stepped out of the shower and he was shaving. Suddenly the door

bell rang. "Would you get that?" the husband said. Even though she was

naked with wet hair she pulled a bath robe on and proceeded to answer

the door bell.

 

Upon opening the door she discovered the next door neighbor on their

doorstep. He gazed at her a moment and suddenly said "I'll give you $500

to open that robe and let me have a look". She was somewhat taken aback

but upon reflection thought that it would be an easy way to earn $500

and, while embarrassing, no one would ever know. So she spread apart her

robe for him to see.

 

After feasting his eyes on her naked body for several minutes, he

handed her $500 and left.

 

So, she closed her robe and slammed the door. "Who was it?" her husband

yelled. " The next door neighbor." she replied. "Did he give you that

$500 he owes me?" asked her husband.

[Rick]

Dear President Bush:

 

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me.

 

I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.

 

I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

 

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

 

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

 

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

 

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

 

4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.

 

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and ! history.

 

6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

 

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

 

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

 

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

 

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.

 

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

 

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

 

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be e! xtremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.

 

14. Eventually I want to be able to vote and have all election materials and notices sent to me in English with Spanish as a second language..

 

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico.

 

I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.

[Rick]

I believe #11 was created for Geoff.....

 

 

International Rules of Manhood

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

 

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

 

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

 

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

 

e. When she is using her teeth.

 

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed

 

and eaten by his buddies.

 

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of

 

jail within 12 hours.

 

05: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits

 

forever, unless you actually marry her.

 

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.

 

However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

 

In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

 

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

 

weakest.

 

 

09: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask

 

the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

 

 

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to

 

climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent

 

entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

 

 

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're

 

sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel

 

..and it's free.

 

 

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to

 

kick another guy in the nuts.

 

 

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

 

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies

 

until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as

 

much as the other sports watchers.

 

 

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain

 

sober enough to fight.

 

 

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,

 

but not both, that's just greedy.

 

 

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about

 

his choice of beer.

 

 

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,

 

except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

 

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

 

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

 

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

 

 

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e.

 

Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an

 

almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

 

 

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than

 

you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if

 

necessary.

 

 

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have

 

carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is

 

no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about

 

what a big mistake it was occurs.

 

 

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her

 

to drive yours.

 

 

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,

 

orange or sky blue.

 

 

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"

 

with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

 

 

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.

 

Ever

__________________

[Evil Rick]

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators. However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannonshot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum." Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

 

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

 

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and

transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

 

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

 

GO NAVY!

[Rick]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to

death. "Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" She says.

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell?" She replies.

" I guess you'll have to hold his little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene..

[T-BONE]

Two gators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC.

 

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger n me.

We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

 

Well," said the big gator, "What you been eatin boy?"

 

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

 

"Hmm. Well, where do yall catch em?"

 

"Down to the side of the swamp near the parkin lot by the Capitol."

 

"Same here Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

 

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

 

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase."

[T-BONE]

Sad, but true...

 

 

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

 

 

Caution... They Walk Among Us!

 

====================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where???"

 

 

They Walk among us!!

====================

 

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

 

 

They Walk Among Us!!

 

====================

 

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"

 

 

They Walk Among Us!!!

 

====================

 

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".

 

They Walk Among Us!!!!

 

====================

 

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...

 

 

They Walk Among Us!!!!!

 

====================

 

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

 

 

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!

 

====================

 

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

 

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!

 

====================

 

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"..

 

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!

 

====================

 

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

 

 

They walk among us, AND reproduce!!!

[whiplash1972]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A lickalottapus!!

[Malebolgia]

An old couple is sitting in church. The woman leans over to the man and says "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" The man leans over to her and says "Well, for starters you should put new batteries in your hearing aid."