STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

Dirty Sanchez

[Evil Rick]

Dirty Sanchez

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Oh that Biff!

[Bubbasmama]

My MOTHER just sent ME these jokes......................WHY????

 

 

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other:

"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

 

 

SPEEDING TICKET

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

 

RIVER WALK

 

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

 

KNITTING

 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

BLONDE ON THE SUN

 

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

 

IN A VACUUM

 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

 

"Hellllllllooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

 

 

Groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!

[TIM]

My MOTHER just sent ME these jokes......................WHY????

 

 

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other:

"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

 

 

Hate to inform you MJ, but blondes are like that worldwide.

 

...Tim

[Bubbasmama]

Hate to inform you MJ, but blondes are like that worldwide. 

 

...Tim

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

HAHAHA........yeahhhhhhhhhhhh, maybe.......but we have more fun!!!

 

[JustJason]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other:

"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

 

 

 

Why did they have to be Oklahoma blondes? Sheesh!!!

[Bubbasmama]

LMAO!!!!!!!! Why did they have to be blondes at all? I know of a few non-blondes who are dumber than I ever thought about being!!!

 

 

[T-BONE]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're

suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

 

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them

fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that

true, Mista Lawyer?"

 

"Sure is, Bubba."

 

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot

coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and

still couldn't read?"

 

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser

fer all them ugly women I slept with?

[T-BONE]

Why men are just happier...

 

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

 

Your last name stays put.

 

The garage is all yours.

 

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

 

Chocolate is just another snack.

 

You can be President.

 

You can never be pregnant.

 

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

 

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

 

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

 

The world is your urinal.

 

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

 

Same work, more pay.

 

Wrinkles add character.

 

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

 

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

 

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

 

One mood all the time.

 

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

 

You know stuff about tanks.

 

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

 

You can open all of your own jars.

 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

 

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

 

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

 

You almost never have strap problems in public.

 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

 

Everything on your face stays its original color.

 

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

 

You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

You can play with toys all your life.

 

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

 

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

 

You can wear shorts no matter what how your legs look.

 

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

 

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

No wonder men are happier.

[66 mustang]

Walk the drunk home! It takes a while to get the hang of it. Just move

your mouse left and right (no clicking) to keep him walking in a straight

line.

 

http://www.wagenschenke.ch/

 

 

The object of the game is to keep him walking without

falling over, by moving your mouse left and right ** you can't see your cursor

which makes it more difficult** Apparently the record is 82 meters!

 

Turn up the sound too!

[T-BONE]

Too funny not to share. Not great for work either

 

Sing Along

 

Right Click and Save As

[Doksdad]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[66 mustang]

Friends don't let friends

take home ugly men

Women's restroom

Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beauty is only a light switch away.

Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If life is a waste of time,

and time is a waste of life,

then let's all get wasted together

and have the time of our lives.

Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remember, it's not,

"How high are you?"

it's "Hi, how are you?"

Rest stop off Route 81, West Virgini a

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fighting for peace is like

screwing for virginity.

The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No matter how good she looks,

some other guy is sick and tired

of putting up with her shit.

Men's Room

Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At the feast of ego

everyone leaves hungry.

Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's hard to make a comeback

when you haven't been anywhere.

Written in the dust on the back of a bus,

Wickenburg, AZ

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Make love, not war.

-Hell, do both

GET MARRIED!

Women's restroom

The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If voting could really change things,

it would be illegal.

Revolution Books

New York, New York.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

If pro is opposite of con,then what is the

 

opposite of progress? Congress!

Men's restroom House of Representatives,

Washington, DC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Express Lane:

Five beers or less

Sign over one of the urinals

Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're too good for him.

Sign over mirror in Women's restroom

Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s,CA.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No wonder you always go home alone.

Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,

Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s,CA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and my favorite, and most realistic one ~~~

 

 

 

 

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles,

you're going to have trouble with it.

Women's restroom

Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

[T-BONE]

Live & Learn

[Doksdad]

The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners.

The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the

women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the

necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is

especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make

delivery that much easier."

She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember; you're in

this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."

 

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the teacher.

"I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a

golf bag while we walk?"

[Doksdad]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth

the wait!

 

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing

construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned Beef and Cabbage!

If I get Corned Beef and Cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump

off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos

again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a Bologna

sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw Corned Beef and

Cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde

guy opened his lunch, saw the Bologna, and jumped to his death as well.

 

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known

how really tired he was of Corned Beef and Cabbage, I never would have

given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him Tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

 

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

 

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunch."

[T-BONE]

Subject: never upset a woman, least of all a SENIOR WOMAN

 

Subject: A Woman and her bank!

 

 

This is a little long but worth reading.... Remember that she is 96

years old!!!

 

 

Never, Never upset a woman!!

 

96-Year-Old Woman's Letter to Her Bank. Shown below, is an actual

letter that was sent to a bank by a 96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Sir:

 

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored

to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

 

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire

salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight

years.

 

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,

and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

 

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I

personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact

you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

 

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

 

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer

be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally

and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

 

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much

about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

 

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be

countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her

financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be

accompanied by documented proof.

 

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she

must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28

digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses

required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

 

 

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level

the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as

follows:

 

 

1. To make an appointment to see me.

 

2. To query a missing payment.

 

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

 

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

 

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

 

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

 

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

 

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

 

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be

put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

 

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music

will play for the duration of the call.

 

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I

wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

 

 

Your Humble Client

[Bubbasmama]

The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners.

The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the

women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the

necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you.  Walking is

especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make

delivery that much easier."

She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember; you're in

this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."

 

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the teacher.

"I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a

golf bag while we walk?"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Pig!!!

 

 

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there ain't nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

 

My name is Ken Kotowich ..............Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Sue.

 

When I took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Sue to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...

 

And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and golf all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal, I'm ready, if you know what I mean. Age has gotten her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking. But that's okay. Her satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey...

 

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting... Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after golf nap, so rather then bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.

 

For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

 

I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too,and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sue.

 

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

 

Signed,

 

Ken

 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ken died suddenly Thursday, June 3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his rectum with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Sue was arrested, but the Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it and she was released on Friday, June 4.

[T-BONE]

Q: What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: His Wall !!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Doksdad]

What was the name of Kurt Cobain's last song he ever wrote???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bang!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He wrote it on shotgun........

[T-BONE]

Dear Penis

[Bubbasmama]

CHARM SCHOOL

 

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

 

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

 

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

 

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?

 

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

 

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?

 

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

 

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?

 

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

 

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

 

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

 

The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say........................................

 

"Well, isn't that precious?"

 

:rofl:

[metalmaniac777]

A nurse is tending a female patient who's been in a coma for 8 years. She notices that whenever she washes the woman's privates, the monitor spikes, indicating an increase in heart rate and brain activity.

 

She approaches the mildly-retarded janitor and asks him if he would be willing to have oral sex with the woman, explaining that this might make her literally "come" out of her coma. The man is hesitant, but when the nurse presses him, he agrees.

 

The nurse escorts him into the room, draws the privacy curtain, and returns to the nurses' station where she begins watching the woman's monitor. A few minutes go by with no response, then suddenly the monitor emits a loud alarm and flat-lines.

 

The nurse rushes into the room to find the janitor standing beside the dead woman. "What happened?!" she shrieks.

 

The janitor shrugs. "I dunno," he says. "I think she choked."

 

[Nick C]

Three guys go on team building course with their company and end up camping out in the woods one night all sharing the same tent.

They all sleep pretty soundly and in the morning the first guy wakes up, turns over and says

"I had the strangest dream last night I dreamt that someone was (whispers) pulling my dick"

The second guy says "Wow that's really strange ... I had the same dream too, I dreamt someone was tugging away on it"

The third guy pops up between them and said "Nope not me .......I dreamt I was ski-ing".

 

[Bubbasmama]

I love golf jokes!!!

 

:rofl:

 

IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new

Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

 

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro

is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".

 

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

 

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

 

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

 

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

 

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

 

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant.

 

"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything... "