STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your thumb off the end!!"

[T-BONE]

Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender. All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner screaming, so he went into the bathroom to investigate. He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that everytime he flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his balls. His friend shook his head and said, "You dumbass, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[T-BONE]

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?

[Jimbo]

A man walks into a bar carrying jumper cables around his neck.

As the man sits down he notices the bartender scowling at him, so he asks, "What, you don't want me to stay?"

"Oh, you can stay," says the bartender evenly. "But don't start anything."

[T-BONE]

Interesting Facts...

 

1. Two-thirds of a man's sexual system is inside his body, not on the outside.

2. Girls tend to sleep more soundly than boys.

 

3. Each testis has about 250 separate chambers.

 

4. Many more men are colour blind than women. No one is quite sure why.

 

5. Each sperm takes between 60 and 72 days to develop.

 

6. Stuttering is four to six times more common in boys than girls.

 

7. Sperm production occurs only at about 4 degrees below normal body temperature. A higher temperature not only prevents sperm production, but kills sperm in storage.

 

8. The average man will spent about 145 days of his life shaving.

 

9. In the course of a lifetime, a man will blink about 250 million times.

 

10. The human mouth contains more bacteria than any other orifice in the body.

 

11. Men get hiccups more often than women.

 

12. The smallest functioning penis in medical history was just over one centimeter long.

 

13. Human beings have been around for only 0.0002 percent of the Earth's history.

 

14. Of the 22 bones connected by joints in your skull, only one can move the one in your lower jaw, which permits you to talk, laugh and chew food.

 

15. Most erect penises are 14 - 16 cm long.

 

16. If the average man never shaved, his beard would grow to the length of about eight metres.

 

17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

 

18. Penis size has no direct relationship either to the ability to reproduce or give sexual satisfaction.

 

19. All mammals, except man and monkeys, are colour blind.

 

20. About 100 calories are burned during human sexual intercourse.

 

21. Between 150 and 400 million sperm are ejaculated on orgasm.

 

22. Most men require a rest period between orgasms - this can last anything from a few minutes to a few weeks.

 

23. Married men are twice as likely to be obese as single men.

 

24. Man's three-pound brain is the most complex and orderly arrangement of matter known in the universe.

 

25. During orgasm, a man's heartbeat and breathing rate can increase to as much as 2.5 times their normal levels.

 

26. One psychological study has revealed that women talk about men three times as often as men talk about women.

 

27. Ultrasound tests have revealed that male foetuses have the capability for erections in the last trimester of gestation.

 

28. 85% of the guys who die while having sex are cheating on their wives.

 

29. One-fourth of the people who lose their sense of smell also lose their desire for sexual relations.

 

30. Men usually live less longer than women. Hmmmmmmm!

[T-BONE]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

 

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

 

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a female brain, and $200 for a male brain." The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile; avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A woman unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?"

 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."

[Bubbasmama]

"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."

Hmmmm......yeah, but only virgins.... We all know God didn't give man enough blood to operate BOTH his brain and his penis at the same time!!

[Evil Rick]

I scored 192!  Not sure if that's good or bad... 

 

80's Quiz

I got an 84.5. And that's with ALL extra credit points. Pretty sad, especially when I thought I was pretty good at 80's music lyrics.

[Christine]

I scored 192!  Not sure if that's good or bad... 

 

80's Quiz

I got an 84.5. And that's with ALL extra credit points. Pretty sad, especially when I thought I was pretty good at 80's music lyrics.

It's been a while so I tried it again - and only got 159! Duh... A few brain cells must have died during the last month!

[oderin1967]

I saw this one at work on a guy's T-shirt:

 

HEAVEN is a place where the police are British, the mechanics German, chefs Italian, lovers French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

 

HELL is a place where the police are German, chefs British, lovers Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.

[T-BONE]

You know you're living in 2004 when...

 

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

 

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

 

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

 

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

 

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

 

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

 

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

 

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

 

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

 

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

 

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

 

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

 

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

 

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

 

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

 

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

[Bubbasmama]

There wasn't??? OMG.........I am one!!! That was cute!!!

[T-BONE]

Mwahahahahaha

 

Y.A.A.F.M.: Britney Spears

[Bobbi Flekman]

I'll watch it at home. I don't have a soundcard at work!

[T-BONE]

Hahahahaha!!!!!!!

 

Star Schmucks

[T-BONE]

New Ebay Sales Technique

[T-BONE]

Death Star?

[T-BONE]

Need Directions?

[T-BONE]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."

 

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity." "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

 

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his New home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam" "I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly.

 

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

 

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, How ya doin', Dave?"

[JustJason]

A mouse is walking through the jungle, when he happens upon this crying elephant.

He asks the elephant why she's crying and she says she has a thorn stuck in her foot. She can't get it out and it's very painful. The mouse being a kind mouse says he will try and get it out for her. After much trying, he finally works it loose. The elephant's pain suddenly stops and she is very greatful. Knowing one good turn deserves another, she asks if there is anything she can do for the mouse. He declines saying it was his pleasure to help. She insists on rewarding him somehow. He finally relents and timidly say he has always wanted to fuck an elephant. She is taken aback, but knowing she might have never gotten the thorn out agrees to do it. The mouse scampers up her leg, gets behind her, and inserts himself. Right as he delivers his first thrust, a coconut falls from a tree and hits the elephant in the head. She screams OUCH, and the mouse says "that's right bitch, take it all"

[T-BONE]

Too Funny: Porn For The Blind

[Bubbasmama]

Too Funny: Porn For The Blind

ack!

[T-BONE]

Why do we have orgasms?

How else would we know when to stop?

~~~~~~

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?

Both capture the moment.

~~~~~~

Define Transvestite.

A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

~~~~~~

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's

shoulders.

A scrotum pole.

~~~~~~

What do dildos and soybeans have in common?

They are both used as substitute meat.

~~~~~~

What do you call kids born in a whorehouse?

Brothel sprouts.

~~~~~~

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?

They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's

going.

~~~~~~

Can you say three two letter words that denote small?

Is it in?

~~~~~~

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still

masturbate?

Miracle Whip.

~~~~~~

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies for money?

A bingo machine.

~~~~~~

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his

teeth?

Glad-he-ate-er.

~~~~~~

Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood

Bank?

Sperm is handmade.

~~~~~~

How do you make 5 kg's of fat look good enough to eat?

Put a nipple on it.

~~~~~~

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

~~~~~~

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

One is a Goodyear and the other is a Great Year.

~~~~~~

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard!

~~~~~~

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year.

~~~~~~

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One...men will screw anything.

[oderin1967]

~~~~~~

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies for money?

A bingo machine.

~~~~~~

I heard one that went:

 

What has 75 balls and makes women come?

BINGO!!!!

~~~~~~

 

If I talk dirty to a woman it's called SEXUAL HARRASSMENT.

If a woman talks dirty to me it's $2.99 A MINUTE.

 

~~~~~~

 

(Sign I read in a nightclub):

Sexual Harrassment is not a problem, it is a priviledge.

 

(Sign I read at a public college):

Sexual harrassment will not be tolerated, it will be graded.

[ptrocks]

Bunny loveeeeeeee

 

http://www.lebonze.com/playground/bunnylove.htm

 

(can't stop laughing)