STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

25 Signs That You've "GROWN UP!"

 

 

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

 

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

 

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

 

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

 

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

 

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

 

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

 

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

 

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

 

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

 

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

 

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

 

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

 

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

 

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

 

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

 

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

 

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

 

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

 

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

 

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

 

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

 

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

 

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

 

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

[T-BONE]

WHOA!!!

 

 

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't

feeling too hot that morning anyway.

I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant

and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present

for me.

 

She didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone Any

"Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for

you, the children will remember."

 

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say A

word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low

and despondent.

 

As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said,

"Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

 

I worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know,

it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your

birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

 

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've

heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go.

we went out to the country to a little private place.

We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,

it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to

the office, do we?"

 

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After Arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if

you don't mind, I think I'll go change."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

 

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,

she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by

my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all

singing Happy Birthday.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

And there I sat... on the couch....................naked.

[T-BONE]

Horny Music

[whiplash1972]

What's the most functional word in the English language???

 

Well, it's shit. That's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

 

Consider:

You can be shit faced,

Shit out of luck,

Or have shit for brains.

 

 

With a little effort, you can get your shit together,

Find a place for your shit

Or decide to shit or get off the pot.

 

 

You can smoke shit,

Buy shit,

sell shit,

Lose shit,

find shit,

Forget shit,

And tell others to eat shit and die.

 

 

Some people know their shit,

While others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits,

Dumb shits,

Crazy shits, !

And sweet shits.

 

There is bull shit,

Horse shit

And chicken shit.

 

You can throw shit,

Sling shit,

Catch shit,

Shoot the shit,

Or duck when shit hits the fan.

 

You can give a shit

Or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit

Or be happier than a pig in shit.

 

Some days are colder than shit,

Some days are hotter than shit,

And some days are just plain shitty.

 

Some music sounds like shit,

Things can look like shit,

And there are times when you feel like shit.

 

You can have too much shit,

Not enough shit,

The right shit,

The wrong shit

Or a lot of weird shit.

 

You can carry shit,

Have a mountain of shit,

Or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

 

 

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit,

And other times you fall in a bucket of shit and

come out smelling like a rose.

 

When you stop to consider all the facts, It's

the basic building block of creation.

 

And remember, once you know your shit,

You don't need to know anything else!

 

You could pass this along, if you give a shit

Or ignore it, because you don't give a shit

Or save it with all your other shit!

 

 

-----------------------------------------

Can you believe that crazy shit?

[Christine]

15 RULES for Dog Owners

 

 

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

 

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

 

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

 

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

 

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.

 

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

 

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

 

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

 

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

 

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

 

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.

 

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

 

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

 

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I am now sleeping. That's just not fair.

 

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.

[Christine]

In honor of Halloween... check out the Extreme Pumpkin Gallery! "Carrie" is my favorite...

 

Extreme Pumpkins

[whiplash1972]

A very special Masterpiece Theater:

 

http://www.soundamerica.com/sounds/spoofs/...aneous/fuck.wav

 

LOVE this one! Thanks for reminding me about this one K!

[Bubbasmama]

A very special Masterpiece Theater:

 

http://www.soundamerica.com/sounds/spoofs/...aneous/fuck.wav

 

LOVE this one! Thanks for reminding me about this one K! 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrr............why does this not work for me??

[martinsane]

A very special Masterpiece Theater:

 

http://www.soundamerica.com/sounds/spoofs/...aneous/fuck.wav

 

LOVE this one! Thanks for reminding me about this one K! 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrr............why does this not work for me??

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Hey Mj, If you can let your media player (windows) open it. Worked for me and we know what a computer tard I am

[Bubbasmama]

A very special Masterpiece Theater:

 

http://www.soundamerica.com/sounds/spoofs/...aneous/fuck.wav

 

LOVE this one! Thanks for reminding me about this one K! 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrr............why does this not work for me??

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Hey Mj, If you can let your media player (windows) open it. Worked for me and we know what a computer tard I am

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Oh hell.....that sounds like a challenge......I GOTTA get it working now....

 

 

WooooooooHooooooooooo...........did it!!!! LOL.....dude sounds soooooo serious!!!

[ksymrtn]

This is one of my all time favorite comedy mp3's

[T-BONE]

Take the Gay Test

[T-BONE]

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

 

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

 

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

 

The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

 

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

[Chris]

Not to offend the religious but:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

 

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

 

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

 

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

 

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

 

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

 

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

 

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

 

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

 

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

 

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

 

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

 

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me.'

 

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

 

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

 

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[T-BONE]

Rodney Dangerfield One Liners:

 

 

I tell ya... I can't get no respect... that's why I moved to Las Vegas.. I loved being called Jacob Cohen..

 

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

 

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

 

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

 

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

 

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

 

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

 

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

 

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

 

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

 

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

 

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

 

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

 

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

 

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

 

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

 

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

 

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

 

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

 

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

 

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

 

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

 

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

 

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

 

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

 

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

 

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

 

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

 

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

 

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

 

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

 

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

 

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

 

 

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

 

 

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

 

 

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

 

 

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

 

 

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

 

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

 

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

 

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

 

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

 

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

 

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

 

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

 

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

 

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

 

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

 

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

 

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

 

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

 

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

 

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

 

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

 

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

 

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

 

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

 

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

 

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

 

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

 

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

 

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

 

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

 

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

[T-BONE]

For those of you who watch what you eat ... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

 

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

 

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and eat lots of fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

 

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like, speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Rick]

http://www.virtualbartender.beer.com/beer_usa.htm

 

Fun link for the men. Ask her to see her tatoo or to kiss a girl, among other things. Enjoy

[Christine]

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

 

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

 

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it,and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

 

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no.

 

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

 

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

 

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

 

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG."

[MAGICTOUCH]

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

 

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.  When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

 

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside.  I have the money to buy it,and I'm not leaving until I get it."  The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

 

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.  He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"  Of course the Madam said no.

 

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

 

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

 

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

 

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

That's a good one

[whiplash1972]

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

 

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly.

12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. "Pop! Goes The Hamster!"...And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

[Bubbasmama]

11. Some Kittens Can Fly.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Hey now......let's be leavin' Kittens outta this......

 

 

Those are sick and twisted!!

[T-BONE]

I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend. "That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

[T-BONE]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

 

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

 

9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!

 

9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!

 

10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!

 

11:30 a.m Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

 

Noon - Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!

 

1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!

 

4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!

 

5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

 

5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!

 

6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

 

6:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!

 

8:30 p. m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

 

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

 

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little

dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat

dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and

the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

 

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors

by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must

try this at the top of the stairs.

 

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again

induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

 

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to

make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into

their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat

I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

 

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in

solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise

and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was

due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to

my advantage.

 

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog

is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He's obviously a

half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and

speaks with them regularly. I'm certain he reports my every move. Due to his

current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

 

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...

[whiplash1972]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap .......... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies........." ----->

 

 

 

Wait for it... (scroll down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's coming...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."

[Dusty]

LOL, that's funny...

 

A man walks into the doctors office and says, while raising his arm: "doctor, It hurts when I go like this"

Doctor: "Well, don't do it..."