SPAM!

[Fat Freddy]

Well, unfortunately no reply yet from "Ms. Joy Arnaud" to my latest missive. Think maybe I came on too strong by telling her to "eat my a** with a spoon?"

[Evil Rick]

I think this is the best one I've ever received! It's from (my dear friend?) Mr. Handa T-PANDA

 

From: Handa T-PANDA (zaiser@internet.is)

Sent: Fri 8/06/10 6:48 AM

 

Dear Sir

 

I am sorry and apologize for the silence and bridge in communication

between you and my mother; I want you to understand that my mother is now

receiving medical treatment in India.

 

Due to your delay in claiming the funds, the consultant contracted an

Indian American who devoted his interest and due effort to make sure that

the funds was transferred to his account for the investment as earlier

negotiated after clearing the dual government taxes. He is making

arrangement to relocate us into USA as he wants me to be his son suitor so

we can base in the USA perhaps the investment project is sited in the India

so he will manage the project.

 

My mother told him of your effort and the promise she made to God because

of you so to accomplish it, they agreed 10% of the US$7,500 000. 00 be

assigned to you while 10% be assigned to destitute and churches so at your

convenient time, you may contact the consultant through their email on his

email below:

 

NAME: SANTEX SANCHEZ

EMAIL: appreciations@email.bg

 

You have to write him on the above email for collection of your quota

but make sure you include the below so they will attend to you accordingly

else they might ignore your letter.

 

*Your Full Names

*Your Telephone and Fax Numbers

*Your Recent Resident Address

*A CODE - Appreciation 375

 

Make sure that the above CODE is included on the SUBJECT LINE for

immediate recognition by their management to avoid embarrassment but make

sure you cooperate with them…At the moment, my mother has no access to

telephone and internet as she is being restricted to it until she get back

to her feet so this has made her request me to try visit public cyber cafe

to send across this message.

 

Yours truly,

Handa T-PANDA

[Blue Charvel]

Somewhere around here (perhaps earlier in this thread), Geoff posted that he replied to one of these SPAMS by saying "Hey (name of spammer): Fuck You," and the guy actually responded "Dear Geoff: Fuck you too." I have been tempted several times since then to do the same with one of these e-mails but haven't done so yet.

 

Geoff inspired me. Last night I got a Spam from someone claiming (in hilariously broken English) to be a "single woman" who "saw my profile on the web site" (?) and wanted to get to know me. I couldn't help myself, I responded and said "Hi whatever your name is, please sodomize yourself with a tire iron."

 

The kicker is ... this morning, I had another message from the same person (subject line: I REVEAL THIS BECAUSE I LOVE YOU), telling me how "gratified" she was by my reply (obviously they didn't read it... heh heh!) and then went on and on about how her late father was a banker in Burkina Faso who left her a stash of money, and she needed my help to get her and the $$ out of the country... y'know, the usual drill. So I responded again, "What, again? Obviously you can't read English. Are you f**king stupid? Leave me the f**k alone."

 

We'll see what the next reply (if any) brings.

 

 

Your ''please sodomize yourself with a tire iron'' comment is the offer of marriage in some countries mate. Let us know how the big day goes

 

Please invite all of us to the big day!

I'll bring beer!

[Blue Charvel]

I think this is the best one I've ever received! It's from (my dear friend?) Mr. Handa T-PANDA

Isn't Handa T-PANDA a famous Chinese rapper? I'd take this a bit more seriously if I were you...

[Evil Rick]

Damn, someone else wants to send me money now! I'm rich bitch!

 

From: Mrs. Treasure Collins (hontreasurecollins@yahoo.cn)

Sent: Sun 9/12/10 10:19 AM

To:

 

Customers Service Hours--24 hours

Office Hours Monday to Saturday:

Greetings!!!

 

We have been waiting for you to contact me for your Trunk Box worth$1,650,000.00 (One Million, Six Hundred and Fifty Thousand United States Dollars), being compensation fund for 150 scam victims, but I did not hear from you all this while.

 

I have deposited the Trunk Box with FEDEX COURIER SERVICE, West Africa, I traveled out of the country for a 3 Months Course and I will not be back until completion of my 3 months course. What you have to do now is to contact the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE immediately to know when they will deliver your consignment to you because of the expiring date.

 

For your information, I have paid for the delivery Charge, Insurance premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the consignment showing that it is not a Drug Money or meant to sponsor Terrorism attack in your Country. The only money you will send to the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE to deliver your Trunk Box direct to your postal Address in your country is US$250 only being Security Keeping Fee of the Courier Company so far. Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except US$250.

 

I would have paid that but they refused, because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of demurrage. You have to contact the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE now for the delivery of your Trunk Box with this information below:

 

 

Contact Agent: Mr Daniel Smith

Email Address: mrdanielsmith9898s@yahoo.com.cn

Reconfirm the below information to the agent:

 

Full Names

Residential Address

Phone Number

Identification

Country

Age

 

Request for the tracking number of the Trunk Box to enable you track and know when it will get to your address.

 

Let me repeat again, try to contact them immediately you receive this mail to avoid any further delay and remember to pay the Security Keeping fee of US$250 for their immediate action. You should also let me know through email as soon as you receive your consignment.

 

Yours Faithfully,

 

Mrs. Treasure Collins

[Fat Freddy]

She must be trustworthy, Rick. Her name is "Treasure."

[Evil Rick]

She must be trustworthy, Rick. Her name is "Treasure."

I agree. I immediately sent "Treasure" the $250 so I should be getting my millions in no time!

[Fat Freddy]

Haven't gotten one of these in awhile... good Lord, the English in this one is more atrocious than usual.

 

Compliments of the day!

 

My name is Favour and my sister is Blessing Orme from Hiati Republic.

We got your contact from a gentleman that came for a seminar on

HIV/AIDS in our refugee camp.

 

We are contacting you in respect of our consignment boxes containing,

ten million united state dollars in cash,gold and diamond. The consignment

was suppose to be deliver to my beneficiary Mr. Womack Hardee,but died

before the diplomat(Diplomat John Anderson) got to Heathrow Airport UK.

 

barr.odonkor: Please be aware,that the diplomat didn't know if such huge amount of

money is on the consignment,else he can run with the consignment. I

am seeking your help,to enable the diplomat deliver the consignment to

you. i,my sister and my father attorney,has agreed to give you twenty five

percent of the value amount on the consignment belong to you,for standing

as our beneficiary. Please reach me or the diplomat for details and the

documents covering the consignment. Diplomat John Anderson.

Tel: +447507480330.

 

Thanks

Favour Orme.

favourorme1@gmail.com

[glam_junkie]

Wow... ever wondered how far Nigerian scammers will go for your $$$

 

Give this a 'skim read'...

 

 

http://www.ebolamonkeyman.com/Ablert_Fred1.html

[Evil Rick]

Short, sweet and to the point. I hate girls that beat around the bush:

 

Nikki Sent you a message

 

From: Facebook (notification+nlnawyzuz@7wB2E.com)

Sent: Fri 9/17/10 3:04 AM

 

 

Want to get laid?

jennycrump.LOCAL-SINGLESEARCH

check it out now

[Evil Rick]

Well even though the FBI apparently has a problem writing in normal english, if they tell me it's ok to get this money then I better do it!

 

Federal Bureau Investigat​ion

Federal Bureau Investigation

info@fbi.gov

From: Federal Bureau Investigation (info@fbi.gov)

Sent: Fri 10/01/10 5:16 AM

To:

 

 

OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI

ROBERT MUELLER III EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI FEDERAL BUREAU OF

 

INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.

Email: gov@federalbureauinvestigationdept.org

FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET

 

ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY

 

FROM: ROBERT MUELLER III EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI FEDERAL

 

BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION WASHINGTON DC. FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET

 

The federal bureau of investigation (FBI).Through our intelligence-monitoring network has discovered that the transaction that the bank contacted you previously was legal.Recently the fund has been legally approved to be paid via Central Bank of Nigeria.

 

So, we, the federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington Dc, in conjunction with the United Nations (UN) financial department have investigated through our monitoring network noting that your transaction with the Central Bank of Nigeria legal. You have the legitimate right to complete your transaction to claim your fund US$15.500,000. (Fifteen million five Hundred Thousand united states dollars) Because of so much scam going on in Nigeria.

 

 

We the federal bureau of investigation decided to contact the FedEx Courier Service Company in Nigeria for them to give us their procedures on how to sent this money to you without any further complain or delay. We just got an information from the Central Bank of Nigeria and they have loaded your US$15.500,000. in ATM CARD and submit to the FedEx courier service company for immediate delivery to your doorstep.

 

You are required to choose one option, which you will be able to pay and also convenient for you, for quick delivery of your parcel containing your ATM CARD and other two original back up documents.

 

Service Type | Delivery Duration | Charges/Fees

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Premium Express (24hrs Delivery)

Mailing $200.00 00.00

Insurance $150.00 00.00

Vat $100.00 00.00

TOTAL $450.00

$450(Four Hundred and fifty US Dollars Only).

 

......................................................................

Special Express (2 Days)

Mailing $180.00 00.00

Insurance $50.00 00.00

Vat $150.00 00.00

TOTAL $380.00 00.00

$380(Three Hundred and Eighty US Dollars Only).

 

............................................................................

Economy Express (3Days)

Mailing $100.00 00.00

Insurance$?150.00 00.00

Vat (5%) $50.00 00.00

TOTAL $300.00 00.00

$300(Three Hundred US Dollars Only).

....................................................................

 

You are hereby required to advice us, on your parcel delivery option by filling in the required form stated above. Please note that the deadline for claiming your fund is exactly one week after the receipt of this email. After this period, your fund will be return back to the ordering costumer. That is the instruction given to us.So take note.

 

We request that you reconfirm your mailing address to ensure conformity with our record for immediate dispatch of your parcel to you. Only valid residential/ Office address and postal address are certified OK.

 

DELIVERY DESTINATION INFORMATION:

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

Receiver's Name :..............................................

Address:...............................................................

Tel/:......................................................................

Delivery Information/ Parcel Description

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Delivery Terms: .............. .......International Delivery

Condition Of Delivery..............Priority Delivery

Consignment Note No: ........... MI 49866-2110

Color of Parcel: ..................... Brown.

Total Weight: ..........................36.2 kg

Total Net Weight: ..................1.7 kg

 

We are here to protect you from any problem till you receive your package.You can as well get in touch with the FedEx delivery company assigned to deliver this financial package to your doorstep.

 

Below is the delivery companies contact information:

 

Companies Name: Federal Express Courier Service.

Directors Name: MR. BEN MORGAN

Email: fcouriercompany@diplomats.com

Telephone Number: +234 8099052644

Looking forward to hear from you as soon as you receive this message

Best Regards,

 

Robert S. Mueller III

Federal Bureau of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue,

NW Washington, D.C.

20535-0001, USA

Email: gov@federalbureauinvestigationdept.org

[Fat Freddy]

Here's a new wrinkle ... those of you with text messaging on your cell phones, have you noticed a sudden increase in text messages being sent to you?

 

For the past week I've been getting one text message every day (usually early in the morning) from a mysterious phone number that simply sez "Thank you for visiting our web site, call (number) to claim your $100 Walmart gift card"

 

...I have no idea what they're talking about, I have never given my cell # out to any web site, and I'm sure as sh*t not calling them to claim anything...

[heaven&hell]

Here's a new wrinkle ... those of you with text messaging on your cell phones, have you noticed a sudden increase in text messages being sent to you?

 

For the past week I've been getting one text message every day (usually early in the morning) from a mysterious phone number that simply sez "Thank you for visiting our web site, call (number) to claim your $100 Walmart gift card"

 

...I have no idea what they're talking about, I have never given my cell # out to any web site, and I'm sure as sh*t not calling them to claim anything...

 

I've had texting for a few years but I've never got anything like that and besides the odd text from Verizon about some deal I don't get any other spam texts.

[Evil Rick]

Here's a new wrinkle ... those of you with text messaging on your cell phones, have you noticed a sudden increase in text messages being sent to you?

 

For the past week I've been getting one text message every day (usually early in the morning) from a mysterious phone number that simply sez "Thank you for visiting our web site, call (number) to claim your $100 Walmart gift card"

 

...I have no idea what they're talking about, I have never given my cell # out to any web site, and I'm sure as sh*t not calling them to claim anything...

 

I've had texting for a few years but I've never got anything like that and besides the odd text from Verizon about some deal I don't get any other spam texts.

I haven't gotten any spam texts thank goodness, but my wife and I both keep getting calls on our cell phones from either Arizona or California numbers that is a recording saying something about our credit cards and want you to press a number to discuss your options with a banker. Usually if you press a number you get disconnected, but once I actually got someone in their "boiler room". I told them to quit f**king calling my cell phone and she hung up on me. Dirty f**kers!

[Evil Rick]

Dear Friend,

 

I have an offer for you which I need your assistant, your share will be 40%, please if you are interested do contact me for more details on my personal email: vhong_1252@yahoo.com.hk

 

Vincent Hong

 

Unfortunately my "assistant" isn't interested. Damn, would've been and easy 40%.

[Fat Freddy]

My SPAM folder runneth over today! The big money offers and odd requests for "partnership" are popping up like mushrooms!

 

SPAM #1:

Nice to meet you,

How are you and how is your work? i hope that all is well with you, My name is miracle,i know that you may be suprise how i get your email, i got your email today when i was browsing looking for honest partner,then i feel to drop this few line to you , and i will like you to contact me through my email so that we can know each other and exchange our pictures, and we maybecome partner.

 

Remember the distance does not matter what matters is the love we share with each other.

 

i am waiting to hear from you soon.

thank's for your understanding,

miracle

 

SPAM #2: (Woo, I'm an "Allah Elected One!")

Dear Allah elected one.

I am glad to know you, but Allah knows you better and he knows why he has directed me to you at this point in time so do not be afraid. I saw your e-mail contact at Burkine-Faso ministries of commerce and foreign trade departments.

 

I am writing this mail to you with heavy sorrow in my heart, My Name is Mrs Lateefa Daniyah. And am contacting you from Our Base country Burkine-Faso. I want to tell you this because I don’t have any other option than to tell you as I was touched to open up to you, I am married to Mr. Daniyah Faruq. who is incharge of our company(D.F.C. construction Company P.L.C & Gate Way Exporting Company under A.P. Group. And as a contractor with Burkine-Faso mines) for Eight years, before he died in the year 2006.We were married for Fourteen years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only Seven days.

 

Since his death I decided not to remarry, When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of US$ 15.8m(Fifteen.Eight million dollars with two Boxes of Gold) in a security company in Ouagadougou the capital city of Burkina Faso in west Africa Presently this money and the gold is still in the security company. He made this money available for exportation of Gold from Burkina Faso mining. Recently, My Doctor told me that I would not last for the period of Six months due to cancer problem. Whoever that wants to serve Allah must serve him in spirit and Truth because Allah is the Most High, Please always be prayerful all through your life.

 

The one that disturbs me most is my cancer sickness. Having known my condition I decided to hand you over this money and the Gold to take care of the less-privileged people, you will use this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want you to take 40 Percent of the total money for your personal use While 60% of the money will go to charity" people in the street and helping the orphanage.

 

I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not good not even good at all because they are the one that responsible for the death of my late husband in other to have all my late husband properties and since Five months now that am sick none of them come to my resquille, I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by those that conspired for his death. I grew up as an Orphan and I don't have anybody as my family member, just to endeavour that the name of Allah is maintained. Am doing this so that Allah will forgive my sins and accept my soul because this sickness has suffered me so much.

 

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the security company in Burkina Faso and I will send authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of the money and the Gold in the security company, that is if you assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein.

 

Hopiing to receive your reply.

Mrs Lateefa Daniyah.

 

SPAM #3: Apparently my representatives in Nigeria totally bungled the collection process... stupid bastards! When they get back to the US, they are so FIRED!

ATTN: BENEFICIARY

 

Date: - November 12, 2010

 

PAYMENT NOTIFICATION ADVICE

 

Note: Direct your response to the below private email address of Dr.

Olusegun O.Aganga the new Honorable Minister of Finance for quicker

deliberation on the release of your overdue payment.

 

I am Mr. IMA NIBORO Senior Special Assistance (SSA) to the President of

Nigeria Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan. I was directed to contact you because

of the information from Central Bank of Nigeria over the visit to the CBN

Governor by three gentlemen who said that they came to collect your fund on

your behalf.

 

At this development, he asked them who authorized them to come down to

Nigeria for the Collection of this Payment and they told him that you

AUTHORIZED them to come and collect these Funds on your Behalf due to your

inability to pay for the expenses for the release of your fund to you .

 

We do not understand why you should send these men to come and Collect your

Funds on your behalf. If actually you sent them to receive your fund on

your behalf, you should have informed the Minister and the Executive

Governor of Central Bank of Nigeria officially.

 

Note that they tendered some Vital Documents which proved that you actually

sent them for the Collection of these Funds. These Documents which they

tendered to CBN are a clear Proof that you sent them to Collect this Funds

on your behalf.

 

You are advised to clarify this issue with the office of the Finance

Minster through the stated email and telephone

number;-finance_minister@9.cn Telephone:-234-7040026169

 

Yours Faithfully,

 

MR. IMA NIBORO

Senior Special Assistance (SSA).

To President Goodluck Jonathan.

[Evil Rick]

Haha, good reads Keith. That second one sounds like it could be made into a movie starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

[KarpetRydOFunk]

I can't help but have this Monty Python inspired idea for a sketch involving Nigerian students writing up these emails for an English assignment. Extra marks are awarded to those whose emails acquired a response.

[Chris]

I actually won the Swiss Lottery:

 

SWISS LOTTO NETHERLANDS

FRANCOSTRAAT 40,

3067DV,LAIDEN.

NETHERLANDS

 

 

CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU HAVE WON 750,000 Euros

 

 

You have been awarded 750,000 Euros in the SWISS-LOTTO Satellite Software

email lottery in which e-mail addresses are picked randomly by Software

powered by the internet through the worldwide website.

Your email address was amongst those chosen this year for the SWISS-LOTTO

Satellite lottery. And this promotional program is proudly sponsored by

the SWISS-LOTTO organization.

Your email address attached to Ref number 5, 7, 14, 17, 18, 43 with Serial

10,, and consequently won the lottery in the "A" Category. You have

therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of 750,000 Euros. Number

1979-12 drew the lucky Numbers

101979-12 drew the lucky Numbers

Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our European

Booklet representative. In View of this, your winning prize will be

released to you by our fiduciary agent located In the Netherlands .Our

European agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the

release of your winning funds as soon as you

Contact them.

 

This promotion takes place annually. For security reasons, you are advised

to keep your winning details confidential till your claims is processed

and your winning funds remitted to you in whatever manner you deem fit to

Claim your prize. This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid

double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some unscrupulous

elements.

To file for your claim, please contact our fiduciary agent:

 

Mr. David Bradley

Email: remitdept12@aol.com

Tel: +31-626-539-970

 

Provide him with the information’s as stated below:

(1) Name:

(2) Address:

(3) Marital Status:

(4) Age:

(5) Sex:

(6) Nationality:

(7) Country of Residence:

(8) Occupation:

(9) Telephone Number:

(10)Fax Number:

(11)Draw Number above:

 

These details facilitate the due process and the release of winnings to

avoid unnecessary delays and complications in the processing of your

Winnings.

 

Congratulations once more from all members and staff of this program.

 

Sincerely,

Mr. Kenneth Gram

Online Games Director

SWISS-LOTTO NETHERLANDS..

[Fat Freddy]

I actually won the Swiss Lottery:

 

SWISS LOTTO NETHERLANDS

FRANCOSTRAAT 40,

3067DV,LAIDEN.

NETHERLANDS

 

 

Lemme get this straight... the SWISS Lotto is in the Netherlands?

[Chris]

I actually won the Swiss Lottery:

 

SWISS LOTTO NETHERLANDS

FRANCOSTRAAT 40,

3067DV,LAIDEN.

NETHERLANDS

 

 

Lemme get this straight... the SWISS Lotto is in the Netherlands?

If it's in an email, it must be true. Right??

[Nightrain]

remember guys, Credit Suisse also have branches all around the world, so this Swiss lotto and netherland thing can be very true lol

[Evil Rick]

Hey everyone, I'm rich! My dear close friend Fiorentino Ramos has left me a shit ton of cash!! Funny, I don't remember the guy very well...actually I don't even know a Fiorentino Ramos, but since he left me all that dough he must be a very good friend indeed!

 

 

NOTICE OF BEQUEST

 

On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of

Late Engr. Fiorentino Ramos, I once again try to notify you

as my earlier letter returned undelivered. I hereby attempt to reach you again

by this same email address on the WILL.

 

I wish to notify you that Late Engr. Fiorentino Ramos made

you a beneficiary to his WILL. He left the sum of Twenty two million five hundred

thousand United States Dollars to you in the codicil and

last testament to his WILL.

 

Please if I reach you this time as I am hopeful, endeavor to get back to me as soon

as possible to enable me conclude my job.

 

I hope to hear from you in no distant time through the email address or phone number below.

 

Email: juanhernandez5@ibibo.com

Phone: +34 698 763 633

 

Yours in Service,

Abogado Juan M. Hernandez

[Fat Freddy]

I'm getting all kinds of weird SPAM lately since I've posted my resume on a couple of job hunting sites. (No, I'm not unemployed ... yet. I just can't work for that f**king company much longer for the pittance they pay me so I'm looking for a better gig. Haha.) For the first week or two that I had my resume out there, I was getting tons of e-mails from various insurance companies wanting me to sell life insurance. I Googled the names of these companies and they all seem to be Ponzi schemes/pyramid scams. If you agree to work for them, you have to lay out $600 out of your own pocket to get "licensed," then they may or may not have a job for you after you finish "training." Oh yeah, sounds like a dream gig.

 

I told one of them off a couple of days ago when they called me on my cell phone (!), the guy started giving me jive about how they saw my resume on Monster.com and that their manager thought my "skill sets" were perfect for a position at their company. (By the way, who the Hell uses a term like "Skill Sets" unless they're reading from a script?) I sez "Um...I have no experience whatsoever in the insurance industry, and I have no sales experience either. So what 'skills' do I have exactly that match what you're looking for?" The guy got all flustered and ended the call rather quickly after that...

[glam_junkie]

damn... i got a call like that too.

I thought they were complimenting on my "Skilled Sex".