Personal Conundrum

[martinsane]

So, long story long and to try and be detailed but not start a pity party, I am having a bit of a dilema with something family oriented.

 

Here goes:

 

Yesterday around supper time I got this random call from one of my Fathers old girlfriends. She was "searching" me out to tell me my Dad was in the hospital, apparently "recouperating" from a colonostomy (I think that is the right terminology.) She mentioned that he has/had some very aggressive cancer in his colon, had surgery to "try" and remove it on last Thursday and that he was to have been released on Monday, but some "complication" has kept him there. He is "supposedly" in tears, scared, et al and "she has never seen him cry like that." Sounds like soft tissue cancer is a bithc and once it's set in even the extensive Chemo he is going to be receiving will be hard pressed to be successful.

 

 

 

I know so sad, etc, etc, etc...

 

Here is were the problem lies; I have not spoken with my Father in at least 6 years!

 

Very LONG story as to the why's, but lets just say he is prick and the descriptor of "abusive" is a good description of my childhood and young adult life. AGAIN; no pity party invitations here, just the facts, I have come to grips with a lot of those old demons and have been OK with my decision (s) for seperation from the source of the problem for a long time.

 

 

She said she was reaching out to me, but my Dad was unaware of her efforts, so it doesn't appear that he is on his "death bed" asking for his son to come and ease the pains of his troubled soul.

 

SOOO, of course being a somewhat "good" person, I can't help but wonder if I should go see him? I am truly on the fence about the whole thing. Half of me is saying "couldn't happen to a nicer guy" and then the other half is still glass half full and is saying "maybe this is his wake up call and now he will be abetter person and we might have a shot of starting over?" I mean, I was sure a call like this would come at some point, but never really thought about what I'd do.

 

Anywho, just curious as to what the HH family would have to say about the little problem that is wrestling around in bean last night and this morning.

 

Thanks in advance for the opinions/advice and I hope I did not come of like a heartless SOB, but I guess to truly understand I would need to type a lot more or you would have had too have been there. Which I would not have wished upon even my worst enemy.

 

Thanks for reading/digesting my diatribe.

 

Terry

[Dead Planet]

It's difficult to put myself in your shoes so this is my personal point of view. If my dad had been an abusive sob I'd have a hard time forgiving him. That said this is more about what's right for you not for him. If he is personally reaching out then I don't think I'd turn away as that would be something that I might question myself on for a long time. However if as you've said he doesn't know anything about this then I'd say wait until he makes the first move. Of course keep in mind this opinion comes from someone who is in no way close to his own family...

[Jacob M.]

I'm sure the day will come where I will be in the same situation as you. When the day comes I honestly don't know what I will do. It's hard to know when that person has caused so much pain in your life.

[whiplash1972]

Personally, I'd say go. You can go see him now, and hopefully get a handle on whether there is any chance for a fresh start for the two of you... if not, fine, at least you made the effort. If you don't go, and he passes suddenly, you may find yourself playing the "what if" game, and that game sucks.

[Dark Star]

Personally, I'd say go. You can go see him now, and hopefully get a handle on whether there is any chance for a fresh start for the two of you... if not, fine, at least you made the effort. If you don't go, and he passes suddenly, you may find yourself playing the "what if" game, and that game sucks.

 

 

I agree completely.. Go see Him.. Because if You don't, and, God forbid, He does pass away?? you may never forgive yourself.....

 

Just My thoughts, and I hope everything turns out ok Man.....

[speed demon]

Terry, I am in complete agreement with Dark Star and Whiplash. I too have a very abusive father and I have fought demons over the years on rather to have a realationship with him or not. I came to the conculsion that I would be the "Better Man" and continue seeing him. I want him to see what he's missed out on and to have to think about what our realtionship "could have been". I live my life that two wrongs don't make a right. Go see your father and let him know that you love him and that you care reguardless of how he treated you as a child and young adult. Step up and be the "Better Man". Maybe he will see what he's missed my friend. Good luck and "God Bless"

[Chris]

I must say I agree with the majority here. I say go. Be the better person. You never know what might happen and you won't have the chance to make peace...with him but especially yourself. I watched my grandparents go through this when they were dying. My mom and her sister went to say their piece and make their peace but their brother did not. His reasons were VERY valid as his mother was nothing but brutal to him and his wife and kids. He has to live with that. No one is saying that you have to forget...but maybe....just maybe...forgive. Only you know that. Good luck bro....

[Geoff]

I'm with Mr Planet. It is impossible to put myself in your shoes and know exactly what you have been through. So I can only offer my opinion based on something I am not familiar with first hand.

 

Do you have any good memories at all, of time you spent with your dad? If the answer is yes, then yes, I would go and see him.

[heavyharmonies]

I'm probably the last person who should comment, as I'm not a "family person" in any way, shape or form. I haven't spoken with my father in over 5 years.

 

That said, I'll agree with the majority. Worst case scenario: you can always walk away. Just guard yourself and don't get roped into any commitments by him or the girlfriend playing on emotion or obligation.

 

-Dan

[glam_junkie]

i would say to go.

if things don't work out or go smoothly, then nothing lost.

however if you never go then there's always that "what if" factor lingering.

 

at least if you go then you'll know either way how things still were betwene you 2.

 

you never know, a person in your fathers situation may have a have had time to contemplate things.

 

i really think there is nothing to lose by going.

[davesworld]

Terry, In recent years with family and friends and aquantiances I have had to take and really look deep in myself. People can make you mad and make you not want to see them and hold a grudge but in the end it is you who is the better person. You see even if he doesn't see it you can say you tried. You had the courage to try and do something. In the past two years I have forgiven many people in my past and now a couple of them are the best friends I have. What you have inside you warranted or not is what destroys up. By forgiving whether the person excepts or not you have took a bigger step than you can imagine. I say take it and give it a try. What do you have to lose and maybe you might be pleasantlt surprised at what happens when you say hi dad.

[Mullethead]

Dude, if you need to talk, PM me and I will give you my number.

 

I went 10 years without speaking to my father....

[cdjunky41]

Terry!

I can't say anything different than what everyone else said..Make the effort and be the better man.

Which we already know, you are..

[Nightrain]

Dear Terry,

 

although i'm not in the same position with you (have great relation with my old man), I'll say you have to go, at least showing up might be a great relief for him, if he's truly in such a pain, and going there won't cause you any harm because if anything goes wrong, you can just leave.

 

i also understand those abusive years will be impossible to forgive and forget, but then like the old Chinese saying, the true hero is the one that can let go of the past and give our enemy a second chance to live.

 

on a positive note, at least he's the father that help your mother carried you as a baby and without him, you can never meet your wife and have your wonderful kids today rite ?

 

best of luck friend

[martinsane]

Well let me first say that I can feel the love ebbing from my little laptop. Your comments and opinions are obviously of importance to me or I would not have asked. So again THANKS GUYS! I wish you all were my neighbors so's we could have a few frsy cold libations and really "discuss" this.

 

That said, during the day and as I began reading your comments I was on the same plane as DP. If it had been a "personal" reach out then I might fell different you know. I mean the man has had 6 years to "man" up and try to be a caring, selfless individual, but it ain't happened.

 

However after reading the remaining comments I believe I just might have to go and show the SOB that I am a better person than he will ever be, not that that would matter to him, selfish people hav a way of making everything about them and this in turn makes everyone else of no importance, but as you all have mentioned nothing lost nothing gained. Just a little gas and some awkward face time right?

 

I am going to have my wife call the hospital and check to see if he is still there and such and then I will have a pint of Ben And Jerry's and think about this a bit more.

 

One thing that is still a rub for me and I may have not mentioned it is up until 6 years ago I was still taking it on the chin, bending over backwards and making huge sacrifices and comprimises just to "share" my life with him and as I mentioned finally grew a spine and said, as Cee Lo Green would say "Forget You!" Sorry a little levity. Or as I like to refer to it my Chandler Bing guide to life, using comedy/sarcasm as a buffer from the "real" world...

 

Anyway, again I can't thank you guys enough for stepping up and trying to imagine what a guy like me should do in his not so pleasant current situation.

 

Terry

[metaltrekman]

Personally, I'd say go. You can go see him now, and hopefully get a handle on whether there is any chance for a fresh start for the two of you... if not, fine, at least you made the effort. If you don't go, and he passes suddenly, you may find yourself playing the "what if" game, and that game sucks.

 

 

I agree completely.. Go see Him.. Because if You don't, and, God forbid, He does pass away?? you may never forgive yourself.....

 

Just My thoughts, and I hope everything turns out ok Man.....

 

Exactly what I felt and was going to say. It wont kill you to do it, and hopefully it works out for the best.

[cdjunky41]

Personally, I'd say go. You can go see him now, and hopefully get a handle on whether there is any chance for a fresh start for the two of you... if not, fine, at least you made the effort. If you don't go, and he passes suddenly, you may find yourself playing the "what if" game, and that game sucks.

 

 

I agree completely.. Go see Him.. Because if You don't, and, God forbid, He does pass away?? you may never forgive yourself.....

 

Just My thoughts, and I hope everything turns out ok Man.....

 

Exactly what I felt and was going to say. It wont kill you to do it,

 

 

It will if he take's his Toyota..

Sorry Terry, but someone had to say it..

[66 mustang]

I guess I just don't know what to say. sometimes it feels good to forgive and move on. maybe this is going to be good or bad but maybe it will also the the final moving on point. don't really have any first hand experiencd in the decision you have to make but I have to say if just 1% of your soul says go then you should go.

and on a lighter note and in reference to everyone saying to be the Better Man

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZihvAg6F4I

[martinsane]

Personally, I'd say go. You can go see him now, and hopefully get a handle on whether there is any chance for a fresh start for the two of you... if not, fine, at least you made the effort. If you don't go, and he passes suddenly, you may find yourself playing the "what if" game, and that game sucks.

 

 

I agree completely.. Go see Him.. Because if You don't, and, God forbid, He does pass away?? you may never forgive yourself.....

 

Just My thoughts, and I hope everything turns out ok Man.....

 

Exactly what I felt and was going to say. It wont kill you to do it,

 

 

It will if he take's his Toyota..

Sorry Terry, but someone had to say it..

 

That's too funny! Nicely played.