STRESS RELIEF

[Bubbasmama]

"The Importance Of Learning The English Language"

 

[JLPRocks]

Hahaha....yep...that's a good one!! Something just like that happened to someone I know recently.....and they COULD read English!!! Hahaha

[T-BONE]

Celebrity Nip Slips

[T-BONE]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it's really phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

 

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day", he begins, 'I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream." "No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

 

"Kiss me, kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes" the frog says. "I looked around to see if I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful voluptuous naked woman." She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

 

"I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger!' "She nodded and snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was so big that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked 'What is your second wish?"

 

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you by the stream'. She nodded, laid down and beckoned me. We made love right there by the stream for hours!! God I was a love machine."

 

"Afterwards, as we lay next to each other, sweating from our glorious love making she whispered in my ear, 'You know you have one more wish, what will it be? I looked at her and replied 'How about a little head?"

[Bubbasmama]

Why women have two hands..........WOMENTWOHANDS

 

 

Why men have two hands........MENTWOHANDS

 

 

[Christine]

Why women have two hands..........WOMENTWOHANDS

How did you get my baby pictures???

[T-BONE]

Why women have two hands..........WOMENTWOHANDS

 

 

Why men have two hands........MENTWOHANDS

 

 

I know where you swiped them pics from MJ

[Bubbasmama]

Why women have two hands..........WOMENTWOHANDS

 

 

  Why men have two hands........MENTWOHANDS

 

 

I know where you swiped them pics from MJ

HUH???? I got them in an email..........whatchu talkin' bout, Willis?????

[Blue Charvel]

In-flight entertainment...

[T-BONE]

In-flight entertainment...

[T-BONE]

The Rainbow Show

[T-BONE]

Happy Tree Friends

[T-BONE]

Bush Game

[T-BONE]

The Lord Of The Raised Sword

[T-BONE]

A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.

 

The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned long ago not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks. They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom. He left the ducks alone on the bar with the bartender. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.

 

The bartender decided to try make a little conversation. "Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck. "Huey," replied the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck.

 

"Oh, that's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?," he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!," said the duck in reply.

 

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!

[T-BONE]

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

 

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays . "God, please let me win the Lotto. I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car if I don't get some money soon."

 

Lotto night comes, and lady luck is not with her. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the Lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

 

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light. The Heavens open, and the blonde hears a booming voice: "Sweetheart, work with me on this.. BUY A TICKET."

[Christine]

I scored 192! Not sure if that's good or bad...

 

80's Quiz

[Bubbasmama]

Are you normal??? Or colorblind???

 

Take this little test and see...........

 

COLOR BLIND TEST

[Christine]

And people ask me why I moved from Miami to Seattle... I can relate to every one of these!!!

 

 

Welcome to Florida - Hurricane Warnings!

 

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

 

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

 

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you are new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

 

STEP 1.

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2.

Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3.

Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

 

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

 

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

 

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

 

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

 

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

 

Plywood shutters:

The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.

The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

 

Sheet-metal shutters:

The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

 

Roll-down shutters:

The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

 

"Hurricane-proof'' windows:

These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

 

"Hurricane Proofing" Your Property:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

 

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says ``Florida," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

 

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

 

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

 

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

 

23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

 

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

 

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

 

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

 

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

 

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

 

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

 

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise

[Bubbasmama]

As a man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the airplane, the woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for about 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.

 

The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

 

The woman replied, "Pepper".

[Bubbasmama]

A WELL PLANNED LIFE????

 

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? "

 

" Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

 

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[Christine]

Jeff Foxworthy would be proud!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[byrdman69]

why did Bill Clinton wear underwear?

[byrdman69]

...to keep his ankles warm!!!!

[Bubbasmama]

My MOTHER just sent me this silly thing!!!

 

 

SEX WITH A COWBOY

 

You've got to know about Skoal to appreciate this one.

For you non-Texans... the container for this snuff is

very large, flat and round, and the cowboy carries it

in his back Jean pocket.

 

 

 

Now, back to the story:

 

 

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker)

confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals

for her trip to the Lone Star State.

 

She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in

a bona fide rodeo and have sex with a real cowboy.

 

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as

to how she fared.

 

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a

Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over

that Mesquite, it's oh so good.

 

The taste is unbelievable!" And, I went to a real

rodeo... Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full

grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then

jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns

and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

 

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with

a real cowboy?"

 

"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom

they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I

changed my mind!"