Joke

[KarpetRydOFunk]

WELFARE OFFICE

 

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?''

Yep they are all Mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that

question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to Find seats..

Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.

I'll need all your children's' names

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and thegirls are all named Leighroy.

In disbelief, the case worker asks, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier..

When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin.

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell

Leroy' and all of them stop.

It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,

'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

 

Excellent mate

It's sad because it's probably true.

[Evil Rick]

WELFARE OFFICE

 

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?''

Yep they are all Mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that

question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to Find seats..

Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.

I'll need all your children's' names

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and thegirls are all named Leighroy.

In disbelief, the case worker asks, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier..

When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin.

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell

Leroy' and all of them stop.

It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,

'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

That was great!

[Glen]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

 

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

 

Harry: '9.'

 

 

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

 

Harry: '36.'

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

 

The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

 

 

 

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

 

 

 

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Pants.'

 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Coconut.'

 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

 

 

 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

 

The principal was trembling.

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Firetruck'

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

[KarpetRydOFunk]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

 

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

 

Harry: '9.'

 

 

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

 

Harry: '36.'

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

 

The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

 

 

 

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

 

 

 

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Pants.'

 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Coconut.'

 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

 

 

 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

 

The principal was trembling.

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Firetruck'

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

 

[Stefan]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

 

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

 

Harry: '9.'

 

 

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

 

Harry: '36.'

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

 

The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

 

 

 

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

 

 

 

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Pants.'

 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Coconut.'

 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

 

 

 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

 

The principal was trembling.

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Firetruck'

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

 

[Faron]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

 

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

 

Harry: '9.'

 

 

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

 

Harry: '36.'

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

 

The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

 

 

 

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

 

 

 

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Pants.'

 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Coconut.'

 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

 

 

 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

 

The principal was trembling.

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Firetruck'

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

 

Classic mate

[manicego]

A HUSBAND DOWN

 

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

 

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their

cart.

 

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

 

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies..

 

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they

carry on shopping.

 

 

A few aisles further, the wife picks up a $20 jar of face cream and

puts it in the basket.

 

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

 

 

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

 

 

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.

'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 15, we have a husband down!

[Faron]

A HUSBAND DOWN

 

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

 

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their

cart.

 

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

 

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies..

 

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they

carry on shopping.

 

 

A few aisles further, the wife picks up a $20 jar of face cream and

puts it in the basket.

 

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

 

 

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

 

 

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.

'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 15, we have a husband down!

 

A cracker mate, Mrs Rock Fan enjoyed that one

[KarpetRydOFunk]

A HUSBAND DOWN

 

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

 

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their

cart.

 

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

 

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies..

 

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they

carry on shopping.

 

 

A few aisles further, the wife picks up a $20 jar of face cream and

puts it in the basket.

 

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

 

 

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

 

 

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.

'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 15, we have a husband down!

 

A cracker mate, Mrs Rock Fan enjoyed that one

Didn't someone just post this a few weeks back? Either that or I heard it recently. Still good, though.

[Dead Planet]

GRANDPA

 

 

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson. At every turn, its obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy, cookies, and pop.

 

Meanwhile gramps is working his way down the aisles saying in a controlled voice, "Easy Albert, we won't be long; easy, boy."

 

Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, "It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here. Hang in there."

 

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset - we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert".

 

The woman was so impressed that she goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, "You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa".

 

"Thanks, lady," said gramps, "but I'm Albert - the little shit's name is Johnny".

[Dead Planet]

INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS

 

 

 

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

 

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

 

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

 

It took 20 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

[Glen]

Snooker legend Steve David stands at the end of the bed studying his naked wife from every single angle.

 

He walks slowly around the bed, crouches down with one eye shut.

 

After a while he says 'ok love, turn over'.....

 

and he repeats the entire process.

 

After a few more minutes, his wife asks :

 

'Steve, what the fuck are you doing?!'

 

He replies :

 

'Just deciding whether to take the easy pink or the tight brown!'

[Faron]

GRANDPA

 

 

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson. At every turn, its obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy, cookies, and pop.

 

Meanwhile gramps is working his way down the aisles saying in a controlled voice, "Easy Albert, we won't be long; easy, boy."

 

Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, "It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here. Hang in there."

 

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset - we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert".

 

The woman was so impressed that she goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, "You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa".

 

"Thanks, lady," said gramps, "but I'm Albert - the little shit's name is Johnny".

 

Usual funny one mate

[Faron]

INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS

 

 

 

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

 

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

 

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

 

It took 20 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

 

[Dead Planet]

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

 

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

 

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.

You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

 

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

 

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll'

took a huge leap of imagination.

 

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

 

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

 

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

 

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

 

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

 

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

 

I kept my mouth shut.

 

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

 

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

 

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

 

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

 

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

 

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

 

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

 

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

 

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

 

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

 

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

 

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

 

I can't wait until next Christmas.

[Faron]

Snooker legend Steve David stands at the end of the bed studying his naked wife from every single angle.

 

He walks slowly around the bed, crouches down with one eye shut.

 

After a while he says 'ok love, turn over'.....

 

and he repeats the entire process.

 

After a few more minutes, his wife asks :

 

'Steve, what the fuck are you doing?!'

 

He replies :

 

'Just deciding whether to take the easy pink or the tight brown!'

 

[Faron]

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

 

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

 

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.

You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

 

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

 

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll'

took a huge leap of imagination.

 

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

 

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

 

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

 

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

 

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

 

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

 

I kept my mouth shut.

 

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

 

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

 

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

 

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

 

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

 

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

 

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

 

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

 

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

 

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

 

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

 

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

 

I can't wait until next Christmas.

 

That is so funny

[Dead Planet]

The 7 Dwarfs

 

 

 

 

 

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome? In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Please. Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, now really confused by the questions says, I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world...The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.......

 

Grumpy screwed a penguin!

Grumpy screwed a penguin!

Grumpy screwed a penguin!

[Faron]

The 7 Dwarfs

 

 

 

 

 

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome? In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Please. Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, now really confused by the questions says, I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world...The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.......

 

Grumpy screwed a penguin!

Grumpy screwed a penguin!

Grumpy screwed a penguin!

 

[Rockposer]

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

 

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

 

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.

You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

 

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

 

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll'

took a huge leap of imagination.

 

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

 

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

 

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

 

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

 

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

 

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

 

I kept my mouth shut.

 

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

 

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

 

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

 

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

 

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

 

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

 

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

 

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

 

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

 

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

 

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

 

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

 

I can't wait until next Christmas.

 

That is so funny

 

 

Excellent.

[Glen]

A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.

 

The Inspector says, 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one

Test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'

 

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues, 'Take this gun, go out

And shoot six illegal immigrants, six asylum seekers and a rabbit.'

 

The man says, 'Why the rabbit?'

 

'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?

[Faron]

A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.

 

The Inspector says, 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one

Test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'

 

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues, 'Take this gun, go out

And shoot six illegal immigrants, six asylum seekers and a rabbit.'

 

The man says, 'Why the rabbit?'

 

'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?

 

Nice one Glen

[manicego]

What're the holidays all about if you don't share a new recipe with your friends.

 

 

 

TEQUILA CHRISTMAS COOKIES

 

 

 

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup of brown sugar

1 tbsp lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup of nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle of Tequila

 

 

 

Sample the Tequila in a large glass to check quality.

 

 

 

Take a large bowl, and check the Tequila again, to be sure it is of the Highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.

 

 

 

Turn on the electric mixer, Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

 

 

 

At this point, it's best to make sure the tequila is still ok, so try another cup.

 

 

 

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

 

 

 

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

 

Pick the frigging fruit and damm cup off the floor.

 

 

 

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

 

 

 

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

 

 

 

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

 

 

 

Add one table.

 

 

 

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

 

 

 

Greash the oven.

 

 

 

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

 

 

 

Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.

 

 

 

CHERRY MISTMAS TO ALL!

[Faron]

What're the holidays all about if you don't share a new recipe with your friends.

 

 

 

TEQUILA CHRISTMAS COOKIES

 

 

 

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup of brown sugar

1 tbsp lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup of nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle of Tequila

 

 

 

Sample the Tequila in a large glass to check quality.

 

 

 

Take a large bowl, and check the Tequila again, to be sure it is of the Highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.

 

 

 

Turn on the electric mixer, Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

 

 

 

At this point, it's best to make sure the tequila is still ok, so try another cup.

 

 

 

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

 

 

 

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

 

Pick the frigging fruit and damm cup off the floor.

 

 

 

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

 

 

 

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

 

 

 

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

 

 

 

Add one table.

 

 

 

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

 

 

 

Greash the oven.

 

 

 

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

 

 

 

Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.

 

 

 

CHERRY MISTMAS TO ALL!

 

Had to read this a couple of times, good one mate

[KarpetRydOFunk]

What're the holidays all about if you don't share a new recipe with your friends.

 

 

 

TEQUILA CHRISTMAS COOKIES

 

 

 

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup of brown sugar

1 tbsp lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup of nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle of Tequila

 

 

 

Sample the Tequila in a large glass to check quality.

 

 

 

Take a large bowl, and check the Tequila again, to be sure it is of the Highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.

 

 

 

Turn on the electric mixer, Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

 

 

 

At this point, it's best to make sure the tequila is still ok, so try another cup.

 

 

 

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

 

 

 

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

 

Pick the frigging fruit and damm cup off the floor.

 

 

 

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

 

 

 

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

 

 

 

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

 

 

 

Add one table.

 

 

 

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

 

 

 

Greash the oven.

 

 

 

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

 

 

 

Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.

 

 

 

CHERRY MISTMAS TO ALL!

 

Had to read this a couple of times, good one mate

You mean you had to get the recipe down right!

Took you a couple tries, did it?