STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

Political Wisdom...

 

POLITICAL WISDOM FROM SOME VERY WISE PEOPLE...

 

 

 

1. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain (1868)

 

2. We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill (1935)

 

3. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw

 

4. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. --G. Gordon Liddy

 

5. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.--James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

 

6. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. --Douglas Casey, Classmate of W. J. Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)

 

7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. --P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

 

8. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastiat, French Economist

 

9. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. --Ronald Reagan (1986)

 

10. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --Will Rogers

 

11. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. --P.J. O'Rourke

 

12. If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist. --Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time (1995)

 

13. In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire

 

14. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take aninterest in you. --Pericles (430 B.C.)

 

15. No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. --Mark Twain (1866)

 

16. Talk is cheap - except when Congress does it. --(Unknown)

 

17. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. --Ronald Reagan

 

18. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --Winston Churchill

 

19. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain

 

20. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. --Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher

 

21. There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. --Mark Twain

 

22. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. --Edward Langley, Artist 1928-1995

 

23. When buying and selling is controlled by legislation, the first things bought and sold are legislators. --J. P. O'Rourke

[T-BONE]

A young man walked into a jeweller's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said. The jeweller looked through his stock, and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

 

"I don't think you understand... I want something very unique," the young man said. At that, the jeweller fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the young man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?"

 

"I'll pay by check but, of course, the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow. Then I'll pickup the ring on Monday," the young man suggested. The jeweller agreed.

 

Monday morning a very pissed off jeweller phoned the man. "You bastard - you lied! There's no money in that account!" "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

[T-BONE]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

 

His friend looks at him and says, "It's all in the attitude, buddy. You're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my clothes on the floor, jump naked into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'WHO'S HORNY?' and she acts like she's sound asleep every time.

[Bubbasmama]

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden

one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

 

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened

very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He tore off his clothes and ran into cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled

and asked the other Indian what that was all about. "Was he crazy or

what?"

 

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when

Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a woman in there waiting to mate."

 

Just then they saw another cave. The second Indian ran up to the opening

of the cave, stopped and hollered,

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from

deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

 

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then

he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

 

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might,

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call,

"WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

 

The following day, the headline of Newspaper read...

 

"NAKED WEST VIRGINIA HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

 

[JLPRocks]

Hahaha.....

[66 mustang]

OK, that's getting a little too close to my geographical location. LOL

 

notice i didn't say it was too close to home. I know you guys and gals would jump all over that one.

[Bubbasmama]

YIKES!!!! Sorry J........I honestly DID think about that before I posted it!! But I figured......my "people" are pretty much all hill folk too.......so I'm laughin' at me, just as much!!

[66 mustang]

You know what the say about Ohio right? they are just transplanted Kentucky folk who have retired from the coal mines. and no, that isn't a slam to coal miners. my grandad was a miner. my father-in-law is a miner and my best friend is a miner. here in my part of Va the coal mines was all we had for a long time. my town was founded as a mining communtity

[Bubbasmama]

Well.....in my case that's true......my Mamaw and my Papaw Birchfield were straight up outta KY.......and we've been back there many a time!!! Very beautiful area.

 

Now.......I can't speak for all of Ohio.........you know.......those wacko's from over Youngstown way!!!

 

(KIDDING, Jim, Jay and Denny!!!!!!)

[JLPRocks]

Haha.....thanks MJ...but do you know what happens to people when they mess with somene from 'our' area??? hehehe....I'd hush if I were you!!!

[Bubbasmama]

YIKES!!!! I capiche!!! I capiche!!!!! (is that even spelled right??? )

 

 

Hushin' up right NOW!!!!!

[T-BONE]

A blonde named Marla, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a near by well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked if he had any odd

jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, I guess... I could use some one to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

 

Marla quickly responded, "How about $50.00?"

 

The man agreed and told her to paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

 

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

 

He responded, "That's a bit cynical isn't it?"

 

The wife replied, "Your right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those "dumb blonde" jokes we've been getting by E-mail lately,"

 

A short time later, Marla came to the door to collect her money.

 

"You're finished already?" The husband asked.

 

"Yes" Marla replied, and I had paint left over, so I gave it 2 coats."

 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

 

"And by the way" the Marla added, "That is NOT a Porsche it's a Ferrari."

[Bubbasmama]

OMG..........just when I thought I had heard ALL the blonde jokes in the world!!! Groannnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!

[T-BONE]

Read it again Marla

[Bubbasmama]

BRAT!!!!!!! Gotta give me some credit though......I could tell the difference between a Porche and a Ferrari!!

[Blue Charvel]

The Dialectizer...

 

The HH site is quite humorous in "Redneck"...

[Rockhead]

LOL-That is brilliant

[Blue Charvel]

LOL-That is brilliant

It never ceases to amaze me what I find on the internet...

[Christine]

The Dialectizer...

 

The HH site is quite humorous in "Redneck"...

Try it with CNN in "Jive"...

[Blue Charvel]

Try it with CNN in "Jive"...

How about that? Great minds think alike apparently, that was actually the first thing I did when I found the page. Swedish Chef is nice for CNN too...

[Christine]

Try it with CNN in "Jive"... 

How about that? Great minds think alike apparently, that was actually the first thing I did when I found the page. Swedish Chef is nice for CNN too...

Just tried Swedish Chef - bork bork! Too funny. Elmew Fudd is pwetty good too...

[T-BONE]

A few minutes before the services started, the people were seated in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

 

Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his Presence.

 

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

 

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

 

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

 

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a single word?", asked Satan.

 

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

 

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical

agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

 

"Yep," was the calm reply.

 

"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

 

"Nope."

 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid

of me?"

 

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years"

[T-BONE]

Does this make any of you boozers out there think a little?

 

After Long Night Of Drinking

[T-BONE]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said. "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[66 mustang]

fantasy bumper sticker's

 

 

 

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

 

 

 

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

 

 

 

The proctologist called

...they found your head.

 

 

 

Everyone has a photographic memory

...some just don't have any film.

 

 

 

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

 

 

 

Your ridiculous little

opinion has been noted.

 

 

 

I used to have a handle

on life...but it broke off.

 

 

 

 

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

 

 

 

Some people just don't know how to drive...

I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

 

 

 

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

 

 

 

Don't like my driving?

Then quit watching me.

 

 

 

If you can read this...I can

slam on my brakes and sue you.

 

 

 

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

 

 

 

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

 

 

Hang up and drive!!