Joke

[Dave]

A female al-quaeda terrorist was found dead today in her bathroom. Police believe she got her anthrax mixed up with her tampax and blew up the wrong c t

[Clutch]

My ex wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said "You're not fucking listening"

[Faron]

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is cying her heart out.

Husband says, "Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister.

 

[Faron]

Wife say's to husband, "The doctor say's I have the tits and arse of an 18 year old"

Husband say's "What about your 40 year old c t ??

Wife say's "We did not mention you"

 

[Faron]

My ex wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said "You're not fucking listening"

 

[Dead Planet]

Lifeline Hotline!!

 

 

 

 

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

 

 

Got a freakin' call center in Afghanistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.!

[hsf]

 

[aMetalhead1966]

2008's First Christmas Joke

 

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

 

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

 

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And j ust what do those symbolize?'

 

 

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

 

And So The Christmas Season

Begins......

[Faron]

2008's First Christmas Joke

 

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

 

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

 

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And j ust what do those symbolize?'

 

 

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

 

And So The Christmas Season

Begins......

 

Nice one mate

[Dave]

Went to the shopping mall the other day and whilst I was sitting in the food court having a bite to eat, I noticed this teenager sitting close by who had spiked hair in all different colours, green, red, orange, blue and I just could not stop staring at him.

Every time though that I was staring at him, this guy would notice that I was doing this until he had finally had enough so he turned to me and sarcastically asked "What's the problem old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

I quickly responded with "I certainly have mate, got very drunk once and fucked a peacock.....I was just wondering if you were my son"

[KarpetRydOFunk]

Went to the shopping mall the other day and whilst I was sitting in the food court having a bite to eat, I noticed this teenager sitting close by who had spiked hair in all different colours, green, red, orange, blue and I just could not stop staring at him.

Every time though that I was staring at him, this guy would notice that I was doing this until he had finally had enough so he turned to me and sarcastically asked "What's the problem old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

I quickly responded with "I certainly have mate, got very drunk once and fucked a peacock.....I was just wondering if you were my son"

 

I'm not laughing. Sorry, I can't even give that one to you.

[Faron]

Went to the shopping mall the other day and whilst I was sitting in the food court having a bite to eat, I noticed this teenager sitting close by who had spiked hair in all different colours, green, red, orange, blue and I just could not stop staring at him.

Every time though that I was staring at him, this guy would notice that I was doing this until he had finally had enough so he turned to me and sarcastically asked "What's the problem old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

I quickly responded with "I certainly have mate, got very drunk once and fucked a peacock.....I was just wondering if you were my son"

 

Nice one Dave

[Dave]

Went to the shopping mall the other day and whilst I was sitting in the food court having a bite to eat, I noticed this teenager sitting close by who had spiked hair in all different colours, green, red, orange, blue and I just could not stop staring at him.

Every time though that I was staring at him, this guy would notice that I was doing this until he had finally had enough so he turned to me and sarcastically asked "What's the problem old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

I quickly responded with "I certainly have mate, got very drunk once and fucked a peacock.....I was just wondering if you were my son"

 

Nice one Dave

 

Thanks mate , after the KarpetRydOFunk man gave me a whack over the quality of this one , I was going to turn my back on my stand up comedy routine and leave the stage forever .

Sometimes it takes a very long time, if ever, to recover from criticism of your work and I think I need to take whatever time necessary off, to get over this, so I think I should go away and do it now......

1,2,3 I'm over it....Let's continue

[Faron]

Went to the shopping mall the other day and whilst I was sitting in the food court having a bite to eat, I noticed this teenager sitting close by who had spiked hair in all different colours, green, red, orange, blue and I just could not stop staring at him.

Every time though that I was staring at him, this guy would notice that I was doing this until he had finally had enough so he turned to me and sarcastically asked "What's the problem old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

I quickly responded with "I certainly have mate, got very drunk once and fucked a peacock.....I was just wondering if you were my son"

 

Nice one Dave

 

Thanks mate , after the KarpetRydOFunk man gave me a whack over the quality of this one , I was going to turn my back on my stand up comedy routine and leave the stage forever .

Sometimes it takes a very long time, if ever, to recover from criticism of your work and I think I need to take whatever time necessary off, to get over this, so I think I should go away and do it now......

1,2,3 I'm over it....Let's continue

 

We all get criticism sometime or other Dave but be positive and come back from this knock, a bigger, stronger, funnier man

[Dave]

Went to the shopping mall the other day and whilst I was sitting in the food court having a bite to eat, I noticed this teenager sitting close by who had spiked hair in all different colours, green, red, orange, blue and I just could not stop staring at him.

Every time though that I was staring at him, this guy would notice that I was doing this until he had finally had enough so he turned to me and sarcastically asked "What's the problem old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

I quickly responded with "I certainly have mate, got very drunk once and fucked a peacock.....I was just wondering if you were my son"

 

Nice one Dave

 

Thanks mate , after the KarpetRydOFunk man gave me a whack over the quality of this one , I was going to turn my back on my stand up comedy routine and leave the stage forever .

Sometimes it takes a very long time, if ever, to recover from criticism of your work and I think I need to take whatever time necessary off, to get over this, so I think I should go away and do it now......

1,2,3 I'm over it....Let's continue

 

We all get criticism sometime or other Dave but be positive and come back from this knock, a bigger, stronger, funnier man

 

Hopefully I can as soon as the scars heal.....I will be back

[Faron]

Went to the shopping mall the other day and whilst I was sitting in the food court having a bite to eat, I noticed this teenager sitting close by who had spiked hair in all different colours, green, red, orange, blue and I just could not stop staring at him.

Every time though that I was staring at him, this guy would notice that I was doing this until he had finally had enough so he turned to me and sarcastically asked "What's the problem old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

I quickly responded with "I certainly have mate, got very drunk once and fucked a peacock.....I was just wondering if you were my son"

 

Nice one Dave

 

Thanks mate , after the KarpetRydOFunk man gave me a whack over the quality of this one , I was going to turn my back on my stand up comedy routine and leave the stage forever .

Sometimes it takes a very long time, if ever, to recover from criticism of your work and I think I need to take whatever time necessary off, to get over this, so I think I should go away and do it now......

1,2,3 I'm over it....Let's continue

 

We all get criticism sometime or other Dave but be positive and come back from this knock, a bigger, stronger, funnier man

 

Hopefully I can as soon as the scars heal.....I will be back

 

Look forward to your next performance mate

[Dave]

Went to the shopping mall the other day and whilst I was sitting in the food court having a bite to eat, I noticed this teenager sitting close by who had spiked hair in all different colours, green, red, orange, blue and I just could not stop staring at him.

Every time though that I was staring at him, this guy would notice that I was doing this until he had finally had enough so he turned to me and sarcastically asked "What's the problem old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

I quickly responded with "I certainly have mate, got very drunk once and fucked a peacock.....I was just wondering if you were my son"

 

Nice one Dave

 

Thanks mate , after the KarpetRydOFunk man gave me a whack over the quality of this one , I was going to turn my back on my stand up comedy routine and leave the stage forever .

Sometimes it takes a very long time, if ever, to recover from criticism of your work and I think I need to take whatever time necessary off, to get over this, so I think I should go away and do it now......

1,2,3 I'm over it....Let's continue

 

We all get criticism sometime or other Dave but be positive and come back from this knock, a bigger, stronger, funnier man

 

Hopefully I can as soon as the scars heal.....I will be back

 

Look forward to your next performance mate

 

I will be nervous so I will have to ensure it is gonna be a good one

[Faron]

Went to the shopping mall the other day and whilst I was sitting in the food court having a bite to eat, I noticed this teenager sitting close by who had spiked hair in all different colours, green, red, orange, blue and I just could not stop staring at him.

Every time though that I was staring at him, this guy would notice that I was doing this until he had finally had enough so he turned to me and sarcastically asked "What's the problem old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

I quickly responded with "I certainly have mate, got very drunk once and fucked a peacock.....I was just wondering if you were my son"

 

Nice one Dave

 

Thanks mate , after the KarpetRydOFunk man gave me a whack over the quality of this one , I was going to turn my back on my stand up comedy routine and leave the stage forever .

Sometimes it takes a very long time, if ever, to recover from criticism of your work and I think I need to take whatever time necessary off, to get over this, so I think I should go away and do it now......

1,2,3 I'm over it....Let's continue

 

We all get criticism sometime or other Dave but be positive and come back from this knock, a bigger, stronger, funnier man

 

Hopefully I can as soon as the scars heal.....I will be back

 

Look forward to your next performance mate

 

I will be nervous so I will have to ensure it is gonna be a good one

 

When you look out to the crowd, pick a nice smiley face and the rest will follow mate..... hopefully

[Jez]

Went to the shopping mall the other day and whilst I was sitting in the food court having a bite to eat, I noticed this teenager sitting close by who had spiked hair in all different colours, green, red, orange, blue and I just could not stop staring at him.

Every time though that I was staring at him, this guy would notice that I was doing this until he had finally had enough so he turned to me and sarcastically asked "What's the problem old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

I quickly responded with "I certainly have mate, got very drunk once and fucked a peacock.....I was just wondering if you were my son"

 

Nice one Dave

 

Thanks mate , after the KarpetRydOFunk man gave me a whack over the quality of this one , I was going to turn my back on my stand up comedy routine and leave the stage forever .

Sometimes it takes a very long time, if ever, to recover from criticism of your work and I think I need to take whatever time necessary off, to get over this, so I think I should go away and do it now......

1,2,3 I'm over it....Let's continue

 

We all get criticism sometime or other Dave but be positive and come back from this knock, a bigger, stronger, funnier man

 

 

I found it funny! Don't let Carpets grind ya down mate, just wipe your feet on one and carry on!!

 

Dave will always be a very funny bloke Faron. Just listen to his accent and you'll be sewing your tits back on within seconds.

[Faron]

Went to the shopping mall the other day and whilst I was sitting in the food court having a bite to eat, I noticed this teenager sitting close by who had spiked hair in all different colours, green, red, orange, blue and I just could not stop staring at him.

Every time though that I was staring at him, this guy would notice that I was doing this until he had finally had enough so he turned to me and sarcastically asked "What's the problem old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

I quickly responded with "I certainly have mate, got very drunk once and fucked a peacock.....I was just wondering if you were my son"

 

Nice one Dave

 

Thanks mate , after the KarpetRydOFunk man gave me a whack over the quality of this one , I was going to turn my back on my stand up comedy routine and leave the stage forever .

Sometimes it takes a very long time, if ever, to recover from criticism of your work and I think I need to take whatever time necessary off, to get over this, so I think I should go away and do it now......

1,2,3 I'm over it....Let's continue

 

We all get criticism sometime or other Dave but be positive and come back from this knock, a bigger, stronger, funnier man

 

 

I found it funny! Don't let Carpets grind ya down mate, just wipe your feet on one and carry on!!

 

Dave will always be a very funny bloke Faron. Just listen to his accent and you'll be sewing your tits back on within seconds.

 

How did you know I had man boobs?

[Dave]

 

 

I found it funny! Don't let Carpets grind ya down mate, just wipe your feet on one and carry on!!

 

Dave will always be a very funny bloke Faron. Just listen to his accent and you'll be sewing your tits back on within seconds.

 

 

 

How did you know I had man boobs?

 

 

Due to the age of several of us guys here, you would not be the only one ...

Whilst we are on this topic....Happy 45th birthday Ian......Man boobs have normally really kicked in at this age and beyond

[Jez]

 

 

I found it funny! Don't let Carpets grind ya down mate, just wipe your feet on one and carry on!!

 

Dave will always be a very funny bloke Faron. Just listen to his accent and you'll be sewing your tits back on within seconds.

 

 

 

How did you know I had man boobs?

 

 

Due to the age of several of us guys here, you would not be the only one ...

Whilst we are on this topic....Happy 45th birthday Ian......Man boobs have normally really kicked in at this age and beyond

 

You don't have to tell Ian - His are like a pert version of Lola Ferrari!

[Dead Planet]

WELFARE OFFICE

 

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?''

Yep they are all Mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that

question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to Find seats..

Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.

I'll need all your children's' names

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and thegirls are all named Leighroy.

In disbelief, the case worker asks, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier..

When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin.

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell

Leroy' and all of them stop.

It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,

'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

[Faron]

WELFARE OFFICE

 

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?''

Yep they are all Mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that

question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to Find seats..

Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.

I'll need all your children's' names

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and thegirls are all named Leighroy.

In disbelief, the case worker asks, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier..

When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin.

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell

Leroy' and all of them stop.

It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,

'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

 

Excellent mate

[manicego]

The State Of The Banking Industry

 

 

Dear Sirs,

 

In view of current developments in the banking market, if one of my checks is returned marked 'insufficient funds,' does that refer to me or to you?

 

Sincerely Yours,