STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

[T-BONE]

Think Before You Speak

 

 

A woman got a phone call from a telemarketer asking her if she'd participate in a survey. She agreed, so the telemarketer preceded with the questions. "What's your opinion on condoms," asked the gentleman on the phone. She answered, "It all depends on what's in it for me."

[T-BONE]

A Priest , a Preacher, and a Rabbi were long time friends since their churches were all with in a few blocks of each other. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

 

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Welllll," he says, in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him, Ey began to read to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Well, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle... WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's space the HOOOOULY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOULD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOULY word."

 

They both look down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The Rabbi looks up and says, "The preaching was easy, but the bear got a bit touchy about the circumcision."

[T-BONE]

You know you're in California when:

 

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.

 

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

 

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

 

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

 

5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

 

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

 

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

 

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

 

9. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

 

10. Traveling on the freeway in excess of 35 miles per hour can totally move you to tears.

 

11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

 

12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US

 

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

 

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

 

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

 

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

 

17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

 

18. Its barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2004."

 

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.

 

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

 

21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

 

22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????

 

23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

 

24. Distance is measured in minutes not miles.

 

25. The BMW is the state automobile.

 

26. The people decide everything by propositions on The ballot about which they know nothing.

 

27. The Terminator is your new Governor.

[T-BONE]

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

 

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there.."

 

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

 

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

 

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my blow jobs.." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12-story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it. Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints. twice.

 

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street. There between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!" She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

[T-BONE]

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"

[T-BONE]

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

[Bubbasmama]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

Please tell me you just pulled that name out of the air........'cuz God knows I'M not dumb enough to send my child out on the BALCONY.......off the adjoining room!!!!!

 

 

THAT'S why they make locks for doors!!!

 

and LOUD video games......

 

and LOUD cartoons.......

 

 

Not that I would actually know though...........never tried it......

[hsf]

[Bubbasmama]

got somethin' in you eye there Jay????

 

 

Check this out!!! Saw this on another site...........make the chicken do WHATEVER you tell him to do......

 

So far......I've made him do the Funky Chicken, the Hustle, the Electric slide, touch his nose and wave bye bye!!!

 

Keep it CLEAN..........T-BONE!!!!!!!

 

 

SUBSERVIENT CHICKEN

[Christine]

I LOVE the chicken!!!! Computer dumb-ass that I am, I wonder how they do that...

[T-BONE]

Exclusive Tiger Attack footage

 

 

[T-BONE]

[T-BONE]

[T-BONE]

Bizarre Sex Laws

-----------------------------------------

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

 

If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

 

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

 

In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

 

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

 

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

 

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

 

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

 

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

 

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

 

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

 

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

 

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

 

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

 

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

 

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. (So this is how they plan on getting Clinton)

 

HE HE! Funny how some laws can just spoil all the fun!

[T-BONE]

YEAR 2000

If there's one thing that 1960's and 1970's sci-fi has taught us, it's that 2000 is the future. Well, here we are, but where are all the wonderful sci-fi has promised us? Aside from some cool inventions (the two-chambered bong, for instance) we were... well... duped. Here we examine what we were lead to believe the future would be like as opposed to how it REALLY is.

 

SCI-FI PROMISED...

 

BUT WE GOT...

A space-station run by a computer named HAL that goes crazy and kills everyone. A space station named MIR run by Russians that falls apart and kills everyone. Rocket cars that are really cool. Some guy who welded a JATO rocket to his piece of shit car and packed himself into a cliff 300' feet off the ground. (Darwin Award winner) Laser guns that destroy everything in sight. Laser pointers that every asshole in America brings to the movies to ruin it for everyone else. A manned voyage to Mars in 1999 would reveal a colony of bald people with weird costumes living in crystal houses. A beach ball looking probe lands on Mars to reveal... dirt. We will be able to rebuild people, better faster, stronger than before (for a mere 6 million dollars). Scientists spend billions growing a rat with a human ear on its back. A utopian state where everyone is killed at age 30 in a festive celebration. Florida, a state that everyone moves to at age 90. Computers that still take up full rooms, but have a myriad of cool flashing lights and whizzing gears, used to predict the future. "Gameboy." The invention of robots will eliminate the need for human labor. The invention of the internet, cell phones, faxes and computers eliminate the possibility of free time. Infiltration by a number of body-snatching aliens who will pose as normal citizens until they're caught and killed. Infiltration by a number of illegal aliens who pose as normal citizens until they're caught and deported. Due to the lack of food and the number of people, the people are fed "Soylent Green," something that turns out to be people. McDonald's. (Which is made of...?) People will invent cyborgs that look and act like real people (or at least Yule Brenner).

 

People invent little electronic pets that you keep in your pockets and have to feed. Whee.

 

If you ask us, we were lied to. We were led to believe that the future would be a wonderous place full of cool technology and endless bounty. We really don't give a shit either way, but where are our cyborg-women?

[T-BONE]

Laughing Cat

[Bubbasmama]

Laughing Cat

OMG.......I WISH you could see the faces on these kids here!!!!

 

They're LOVIN' this silly cat!!!!!

 

 

 

but...........Bubba wants to know if the kitty is snorting.....or passin' gas????

[Bobbi Flekman]

Laughing Cat

OMG.......I WISH you could see the faces on these kids here!!!!

 

They're LOVIN' this silly cat!!!!!

 

 

 

but...........Bubba wants to know if the kitty is snorting.....or passin' gas????

My girlfriend was wondering what happened to the ears

[Bubbasmama]

Subject: Fw: Daughter's Elopement Letter...

 

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed.

With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I 'm telling you that I eloped with

my new boyfriend. Found real passion and he is so nice, with all his

piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that mom,

I' m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in

the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and

that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone

and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with

all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for

science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of

myself. Some day I'll visit so you will get to know your grandchildren.

 

Your daughter,

Judith

 

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to

show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report

card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!

 

 

[Cruise]

MJ, were you the 15 year old girl?

 

You li'l devil you!

[Bubbasmama]

LOL.......depends upon who you ask.....my Mother would probably say

"YES!!!! She was a wee crabbit scunner"!!!

 

 

 

BUT.......if you ask me........"no way.....no how......nuh-huhhhhhh".....

 

Angel......remember!!

[Rockhead]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little

perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

 

The guy says aloud, "Jeesh I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

 

"The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

 

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

 

I got every word," says the parrot. I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

 

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet? "

 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

 

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you?"

 

Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

 

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

 

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

 

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.

 

The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

 

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

 

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the

door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

 

"WHAT!???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

 

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

 

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

 

"Then he lifted up the nighty, and began to KISS her all over, starting

with her breasts"

 

"Well?" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

 

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch".

[T-BONE]

Marla's New Clock

[T-BONE]

McBig MoFo