STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

OK...in simple terms, "why did you mouth off to Reno about the Space Shuttle blowing up?"

[jason (FA-Q)]

Because of his last post. (Jesus!)

 

Do I have to hold your God Damn hand constanly?

[jason (FA-Q)]

Shhhhhh..... I think Tim fell asleep

[T-BONE]

His last post? It's a joke about a little girl and Winnie The Shit.

[jason (FA-Q)]

No, no, no.... He must've removed his last post, because it was about a plane crash.

[T-BONE]

oh...maybe he realized after he posted it. I dunno...I didn't see it

 

 

Lets go to another page and rumble. Leave this one for Jokes

[T-BONE]

A guy on the golf course gets hit square on his junk with a slicing drive. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he can manage, he takes himself to the doctor and asks, “How bad is it, doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin.” The doctor says, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight, but it should be OK by next week.” With that, the doctor takes four tongue depressors, forms a four-sided bandage and wires it all together. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend, proceeds to marry her and they then leave on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel room, the wife rips open her blouse for the first time to reveal a gorgeous set of knockers. She says, “You’re the first—no one else has ever touched these breasts!” Taking a cue from his new bride, the man whips off his pants and responds, “Take a look at this— it’s still in the crate!”

[T-BONE]

An 85-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, and no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

[Reno]

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologising profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain. "No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pants and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks. "Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Reno]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

[Reno]

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to FUCK?" "That's terrible", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to FUCK?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "Put the bibles away Our prayers have been answered"

[Reno]

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

 

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

 

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

 

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

 

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

 

Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

 

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

 

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

 

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

 

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

 

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

 

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

 

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

 

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

 

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.

 

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

[Reno]

A 64-year old man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. Just then a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a 22-year old woman who I recently married." "What's wrong with that?" the you man asks. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home, we make love again and then she prepares my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best a man could want. And at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." The old man breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him and says, "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect realationship. Why on earth are you crying??" The senile old man answers through his tears, "I forgot where I live!!!"

[Reno]

A 4 year little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs," The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of queer shit going on in our garden."

[T-BONE]

50 INTERESTING BUT PROBABLY UNTRUE FACTS

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

6. There are more chickens than people in the world.

7. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

8. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

9. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

10. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

11. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

12. Almonds are a member of the peach family.

13. There are only 4 words in the English language which end in dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

14. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

15. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

16. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

17. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

18. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

19. The characters Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

20. A dragonfly has a life span of 1.6 months

21. A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.

22. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

23. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

24. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

25. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

26. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

27. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

28. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

29. A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

30. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

31. Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron: in honour of his brother. It is also misspelled on his tomb stone.

32. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

33. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

34. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

35. Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."

36. Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.

37. If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

38. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

39. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

40. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

41. The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.

42. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

43. The word race car and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

44. A snail can sleep for 3 years.

45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

46. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

47. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with a population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.

48. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

49. No president of the United States was an only child.

50. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

[T-BONE]

This is Hilarious!!!

 

 

http://www.flowgo.com/greetings/dirtybaby/...y/dirtybaby.swf

[jason (FA-Q)]

This is lame.......

 

 

......yawn..............

[jason (FA-Q)]

You want stress relief?. I'll give you stress relief......

 

A hot chick with a big rack walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "who is that hot lookin' dude over there?"

 

The bartender replies "Do you mean that stud-muffin at the end?'

 

The hot chick with the big rack says "YES!!"

 

The bartender tells her "Oh, thats jason (FA-Q), the best damn lookin' guy you'll ever find."

 

 

TRUE STORY!!

[TIM]

Yeah right. The bartender called you a stud-muffin? I didn't know you were into that type of thing

[jason (FA-Q)]

The bartender was also a chick, by the way.

 

Tim, you really need to get out once in a while!

[TIM]

I realized there was the possibility it was a woman- just having fun at your expense. She couldn't be much if she liked you though.

[T-BONE]

CHILI CONTEST: These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

 

*Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

*Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

 

*Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

 

*Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

 

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

 

*Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

 

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

 

*Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

 

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

 

*Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

 

*Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[T-BONE]

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation. The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies, "Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis." Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis." Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."

[T-BONE]

one day a cowboy was riding in the old west and came upon an Indian with his Horse and a dog, the cowboy looks at the indian and asks him if it was Ok for him to talk to his Dog the indian reply's "dog no talk" and the cowboy says alright and walked up to the dog and says so has your master kicked you?? the dog replies "No" then the cowboy asks the dog if his master treated him Ok?? at this time the indian looked kinda confused and shook his head the dog replied to the cowboy" OH yes he takes good care of me and he feeds me well and gives me enuff attention! OK says the cowboy, he looks at the indian smiles and says "Good" is it Ok if I talk to your Horse?? the Indian looks at him and says "Horse NO talk" allright says the cowboy and commences to asking the horse the same questions!! the Indian looked really confused by now because the horse answered every question with the same results as the Dog! then the cowboy seen a sheep and asked the Indian if he could talk to him as well!! the Indian Looked really Worried about this-- and replys "Sheep A LIAR"

[T-BONE]

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door. "Hello....can I come in?" a male voice asks. "Who is it?" the woman asks. "It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door. The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway". The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Nice Rack! Now where would you like the blinds