STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and

ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he

settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his

way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing

telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"

[T-BONE]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual

Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever

seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for

nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's

your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American

men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native

American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another

popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the

men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best

potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

[TIM]

HaHaHa

[T-BONE]

If anyone out there likes good parodies or comedy tunes, check out this site:

 

http://www.lilredtruck.com/funsound.htm

[T-BONE]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

 

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

 

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

 

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

 

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

 

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

 

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his Disciples as the late J. C. & The Boys

 

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

 

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

 

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

 

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

 

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

 

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

 

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

 

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[T-BONE]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept

through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,

"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little

Johnny, an altruistic boy seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in

the rear. "God Almighty!!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good",

and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our

Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again,

Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!!" shouted Mary

and the teacher said, "Very good", and Mary fell back asleep. Then the

teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had

her twenty-third child?" And again Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time

Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more

time, I'll break it in half!!" The teacher fainted.

[Reno]

Witty Things To Say During Colonoscopy

 

"Take it easy, Doc -- you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

 

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

 

"Can you hear me NOW?"

 

"Oh, boy! That was sphincteriffic!"

 

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

 

"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

 

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

 

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey..."

 

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

 

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

 

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

 

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

 

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

 

"Deflector shields: Down!"

[Reno]

There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little boy said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young boy looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there, sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."

[Reno]

2002 "You Might Be A Redneck If:" Edition

 

 

 

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

13. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

14. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

15. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

16. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

17. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

18. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

19. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

20. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

21. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

22. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

23. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

24. You have a rag for a gas cap

25. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

26. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

27. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

28. You can spit without opening your mouth.

29. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

30. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

31. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

32. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on them.

33. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

34. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

35. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler

36. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

37. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

38. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

39. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $10,000 worth of improvement

40. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

41. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

42. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph.

43. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

[T-BONE]

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

 

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!

 

Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

 

Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl) "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.

 

And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!!

[T-BONE]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty

badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body,

so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

 

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the

sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better

roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,

ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.

 

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took

a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll

him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,

it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

 

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.

Every time we went to town, folks would say,

"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

[Reno]

Theres this guy who has a real hi profile job & works long hours. He comes home he eats dinner he goes to bed. As a result his love life with his wife is nonexistant. Be the concerned wife she visits the doctor. The DR gives her a new wonder drug called sex salt. He tells her to cook dinner & when he puts the salt on his dinner run to the bedroom & get ready for the time of your life. Willing to give it a try she goes home & cooks up some sausages & eggs. The husband comes home & says that he is really tied & is gunna have dinner & hit the sack. She puts his dinner on the table & he picks up the salt shaker. The wife runs to the bedroom shedding clothes on the way when she hears a terrible commotion and her husband in fits of laughter. She comes out and asks "what the hell is going on and what are you laughing at?" He replies " I just put some salt on my dinner & the sausage jumped of the table & fucked the cat

[Reno]

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "Really? What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

[Reno]

A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The father asked him the nature of this, to which he replied, "While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her." The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. The priest told him to say three Hail Marys and be on his way. Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer her husband had his way with her. The priest asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Marys and think no more about it. As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!"

[Reno]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut the fuck up!!!!"

[Reno]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."

[Reno]

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is never a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?" The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there." The bartender raises his eyebrows, "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy her a drink? Never know - she might say yes." The mathematician laughs, "Yeah, right - how fucking likely is that to happen?"

[Reno]

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and --WHAM!!!"-- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

[Reno]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account! Right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager thoughtfully, "And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time?"

[Reno]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico. "Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" "Bicycles," Juan says.

[Reno]

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church. One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons. The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!" Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor. After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit. The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

[Reno]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, Wow, look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. The man replied, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! The woman takes a bottle of wine from her car and puts the cap back on. She continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. She shook her head and hands it back to the man. The man asks, Aren't you having any? The woman replies, No. I think I'll just wait for the police...

[Reno]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has had getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client placed the ball in his mouth, and the barber proceeded with the closest shave the man had ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asked in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," said the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

[Reno]

It seems Santas' little workers weren't cranking out enough toys for the upcoming Christmas run so Santa had to get them some help. He called up Jack and Jill and since they weren't doing anything they agreed to help out. They got along good with the elves and worked really hard. It wasn't long before they had more than enough toys made and Santa didn't need to keep both Jack and Jill working for him so he didn't know what to do....Lay Jill or Jack off.

[Reno]

A guy is sitting in a bar drooling over a hot woman in a miniskirt. He decides to send her a drink, and not only does she get up and sit next to him, but they also have an amazing conversation. Finally, the woman says, “Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I’m a working girl. I get $200 for what you think you’re about to get for free.” “I have no problem with the money,” the man replies. “But since you were so straightforward, I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture and just plain destroy the place.” “Oh my God!” the woman says. “How long does that last?” “Until I get my $200 back,” he replies