STRESS RELIEF

[Reno]

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

[Reno]

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she shoves the kid in the closet and shuts the door. The husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." The boy says, "I have a baseball." Man, "That's nice." Boy, "Want to buy it?" Man, "No, thanks." Boy, "My dad's outside." Man, "OK, how much?" Boy, "$250." The next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy, "Dark in here." Man, "Yes, it is." Boy, "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy, "$750." Man, "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy, "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start THAT again."

[Reno]

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears thumping coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I wake up and hear you and Daddy making noises and when I look into your room your bouncing up and down on him." His mother replies with, "Oh,..well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that squishes his belly down and makes him thin again.." The boy replies, "Duh, mom, that won't work because the lady next door just comes over every day and blows him back up.

[Reno]

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor had just joined the IRS. He was excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders, like the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S." "The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[Reno]

It’s Robin’s first time at the gynecologist. The doctor leads her to the stirrups, and as she sits down, she’s scared to death. “You’re nervous aren’t you?” asks the gynecologist. “Yes,” admits the girl. “I’ve never been to the gynecologist before.” “Well, then,” he says, “Would you like me to numb you down there?’ “Please.” So he sticks his nose between her legs and goes, “Num, num, num, num. . . .”

[Reno]

A man is cruising along a country road when he is pulled over by a cop who was lurking just after a bridge. The man pulls over to the side of the road, cursing. “What’s the hurry?” the cop asks smugly. “I’ve got a work emergency,” the man replies. “I’m in a big hurry.” “Oh, yeah?” says the cop. “What exactly do you do?” “I’m a rectum stretcher,” he replies. “A rectum stretcher?” the cop asks suspiciously. “What the hell is that?” “Well,” explains the man, “I take a patient and put a small stretching device in his rectum and leave it there for three weeks. Then I take it out and put in a larger stretching device, which I again leave in for three weeks. I do this four times, until finally I put in the largest stretching device I have, and leave it in until the patient has a six-foot asshole.” “What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?” the cop asks. “Well, usually they put him at the end of a bridge with a radar gun.”

[Reno]

Moments before his wedding, a groom and his best man, who go back a long way as friends and fellow playboys, compare conquests. The groom says, “You know, except for my wife-to-be, and obviously my sister and my mother, I’ve slept with every woman here.” “Well, then,” replies the best man, “between the two of us, we’ve had them all!”

[Reno]

A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him! "You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

[Reno]

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are made. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop! "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states. The guide replies, "No, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

[Reno]

There was a grandma and a child driving down the road. They came across railroad tracks and the little girl said, "Look grandma choo-choo." The grandma said, "No the proper name is train." As they kept on driving they saw a farm. The little girl said, "Look grandma moo-moo." "No the proper name is cow," the grandma said. The next day they went to the library and the little girl picked up a book and said, "Look grandma Winnie the Shit!"

[jason (FA-Q)]

Hey Reno!! Today isn't the day to make fun of air disasters. The space shuttle Columbia just blew up on re-entry. 7 people dead!

[T-BONE]

What are you whimpering about?

[jason (FA-Q)]

WHAT AM I WHIMPERING ABOUT!!? T-Bone, do you spend any time at all checking the news!? Turn on Fox News or CNN and take a look at what I'm "whimpering" about.

 

 

 

By the way, this is my 100th post!

[TIM]

"By the way, this is my 100th post! "

 

 

Lucky for us. It's been a true privilege. You're such an inspiration dude .

[jason (FA-Q)]

Ooooh, here we go..... My little jack-ass (Tim) has got a runny nose again, and needs me to whip it.

[TIM]

You'd be the big jackass.

[jason (FA-Q)]

Yeah? And your point is???.......

 

Really though, I'm just an ass.

[TIM]

So that's why you talk so much shit.

[TIM]

Man, it takes you forever to come up with your lousy comebacks. Maybe a few sips of liquid courage will help.

[jason (FA-Q)]

MAN OH MAN! Do you just sit there and wait (around the clock) for someone to talk to you on here?

 

PLEASE PEOPLE! *sigh*....... Don't feed the animals!

[TIM]

Well, aren't you hungry? If you bought and sold music you'd hang here too. I buy and trade with many of the guys here. Don't take things so personally. If you don't like it quit checking back and don't say something to invite a reply.

[jason (FA-Q)]

Are you kidding? I love it!!

[TIM]

Glad to hear it. I was about to call the vet and have him give you a checkup.

[T-BONE]

I know about the shuttle Butt Nugget. I still don't know why you're whining at Reno about it.

[jason (FA-Q)]

Is this Tim disguised as T-Bone? You sure sound like that little pimple. Oooooor..... Are the two of you connected at the ass?