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Reno

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Everything posted by Reno

  1. Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Impellitteri
  2. Hand On Heart - Queensryche
  3. Inquiring Minds Want to Know Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? What do you call male ballerinas? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  4. THE OJ TRIAL AS TOLD BY DR. SEUSS I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a cab, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be. When I came home I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. I have nothing, nothing to hide. My friend, he took me for a ride. Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you hit her from above? Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. And now I'm free, I can return To my house for which I yearn. And to my family whom I love. Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!
  5. Nazis and Retards: Coincidence? Naaaaah. Some say there are no coincidences. If you look hard enough, you can find the amazing convergence of events that link Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy, Elvis and Jesus, or Dairy Queen and porno movies. Well, we just couldn't resist pushing the boundaries. Our psychic investigators at the Subtle Chunks Research Operation Terminally Undermining Mysteries (SCROTUM) have discovered a series of historical and behavioral convergences between believers in the Nazi party and people suffering mental retardation that shook our sanity to the core. Behold, if you dare... the first 66 of our findings: Nazis shave their heads to demonstrate solidarity with the white race. Retards have their heads shaved to prevent lice. Nazis conquered Europe with large Panzer tanks. Retards dominate the playground with large steel wheelchairs. Ever notice how the Nazi salute and a retard's chest-thumping arm spasm are alike? "Sieg Huuuuuhhhhh!" Nazis want their own separate homeland, away from the lesser peoples. Retards already have their own homeland: their own wing of the school and their own special buses. Nazis pinned bright, imposing medals to their chests to commemorate their many military campaigns and victories. Retards pin bugs, post-it notes, safety pins, and bits of yesterday's lunch to their chests because they don't know any better. Nazis like beating up people. Retards like beating off on people. Nazis especially like beating up "mud people". Retards especially like eating mud pies. Nazis often have tattoos on their arms and chest to show their undying racial loyalty. Retards often have marks on their arms, chest, and face from being allowed to play with the magic markers. Nazis march in large, noisy, goose-stepping lines. So do retards. Nazis like to lock people into small rooms and gas them. Retards like the smell of their own gas. A Nazi likes to salute with his forearm extended and fingers pointed straight to show his unwavering passion and allegiance. Retards like to stick their arm out to show you how proud they are of the booger they just pulled out of their nose... before eating it. Nazis conducted terrible experiments on humans... like grafting a bull's testicles onto a man. Retards try to replace the egg yolk with whipped cream... only to decide it's really macaroni. Nazis gather socially to sing "Deutchland Uber Alles". Retards gather socially to sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Nazis burn books. Retards try to set their farts on fire. Many Nazis lead "double lives" and actually work and function within society. Many retards rinse off the urinal cakes at Denny's. Nazis shout "White Power!" Retards shout "Pooped my pants!" Nazis want to exterminate all those non-Aryan people. Retards want to exterminate all those invisible people wielding sharp forks. Nazis traditionally speak with a thick, Slavic accent. Retards traditionally speak with a thick, slobbery accent. Nazis want to lock up all the Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals. Retards lock themselves under the bathroom sink. Nazis think they should only breed with other Nazis. Retards can only get some with other retards. In 1936, Jesse Owens humiliated the German Nazis and Adolf Hitler in the Berlin Summer Olympics by outrunning the Aryan Germans and taking the gold. In 1994, 451 retards humiliated themselves in the Special Olympics by running straight into a brick wall. In WWII, the German Nazis almost defeated Great Britain by bombing them in air raids. Every night, the retards of the house get together to drop slinkies and rolled-up socks down the stairs. Nazis often walk with a swagger stick. Retards often walk with crutches. In the 1930's and 40's, thousands of people joined the Nazi party in Germany out of nationalistic pride. In the 1960's and 70's, thousands of people declared themselves as retards to avoid going to Vietnam. Nazis just love to sit down and discuss "Mein Kampf" for hours. Retards just love to sit down and discuss "my crotch" for hours. Nazis created mass graves of exterminated Jews in Eastern Europe. Some retards keep mass collections of earwax under the matress. Nazis often wore brown uniforms. Retards often wear brown underwear. Some Nazis believe that Hitler is really God and is going to come back. Retards believe that if they keep knocking their own teeth out, the Tooth Fairy will keep coming back. Nazis were constantly taught the importance of eugenics. Retards are constantly reminded to be hygenic. Nazism was born out of Germany in the 30's. In the 90's David Hasselhoff is #1 in Germany. RETARDS!!!! Nazis button the collars of their uniforms all the way to the top. Retards button the collars of their flannel shirts all the way to the top. Good Nazis get medals. Good retards get happy-face stickers. Really good Nazis get the Iron Cross. Really good retards figure out how to get their eyes uncrossed. Nazis tend to dress up in leather collars and harnesses after dark. Retards tend to be restrained in leather collars and harnesses after dark. In 1944, Roemmel ordered Nazi forces to pull out of Africa. Jerry, a tard, just pulled a month-old M&M out of his ass. Many Nazis were actually saddened by the news of Hitler's death. Many retards were saddened by the news of Mr. Hooper's death. Some Nazis maintained a pagan reverence for magical, flying valkyries. Some retards maintain a pagan reverence for magical, flying Teletubbies. Adolf Hitler and the Nazis produced the first Volkswagen. Retards puke in Volkswagens... and about everything else that has four wheels. Nazis going into battle wore distinctive steel helmets. Retards going down stairs wear distinctive football helmets. Adolf Hitler was also an artist. Retards sculpt horses and pigs out of mashed potatoes. Nazis like all things Teutonic. Retards like to toot. In 1945, Nazi Germany agreed to peace, ending WWII. In 1998, Sammy (a tard) agrees to quit sticking his finger into the birdcage. Nazis froze to death when attempting to invade Russia in the winter. Retards tend to run around naked in the snow. Nazis suffocated Jews in gas chambers. Retards tend to suffocate themselves in abandoned refrigerators. Some scholars argue that modern Nazis are outcasts of society who have not completely developed or matured socially. BINGO! Nazis, when armed with the tools of modern medicine, want to see all retards sterilized or exterminated. Retards, when left alone with pointy things, tend to sterilize or exterminate themselves. Nazis fastidiously polish their boots. Retards fastidiously polish their tennis shoes. Nazis are willing to take on any task to further their cause. Retards do not need to take their cause any further. Nazis enjoy simple German fare... Grandmuter's potato soup, hearty bratwurst, and strong ale. Retards enjoy simple cafeteria fare... mashed green beans, meatloaf jello, and chocolate milk. The Nazis helped produce the greatest war of this century. Retards have helped produce some of the greatest wards of this century. Nazis often carried Lugers at their belts. Retards often have loogeys on their shirts. Nazis are often recruited by a large, bald, gruff father figure. Retards are often cared for by a large, bald, gruff orderly. Nazis bang their heads to ear-splitting heavy metal music. Retards bang their heads when Mr. Rogers sings, "Won't you be my neighbor". Nazis drag hapless victims from behind their cars. Retards drag used toilet paper from behind their shoes. Nazis used the eagle in many of their insignia. Retards love Big Bird t-shirts. Nazis often left their homes in the care of big-boned disciplinarian housewives. Retards are often left in the care of big-boned disciplinarian aides. When threatened, Hitler hid in a bunker. When threatened, retards hide in the closet. Nazis were easily enraged by the adventures of Indiana Jones. Retards are easily amused by the music of Spike Jones. Nazis are epitomized by Pat Buchannan. Retards are epitomized by Pat from Saturday Night Live. Nazis believe the state should run every aspect of its citizens' lives. Retards pretty much need the state to run every aspect of their lives. In the Atlantic Ocean, Nazi U-boats terrorized the shipping lanes. In the bathtub, retard floaties terrorize rubber ducky and other tubbie toys. Nazis spit on Jews. Retards spit up their juice. Nazis wanted to get their fingers on Jewish gold. Retards use their fingers when digging for gold. Nazis forced Jews to wear badges indicating their religion. (a yellow Star of David) Retards put badges on themselves indicating their deficiency. ("mY Nayme is SKipppY") Nazis were good at following orders. Retards are good at taking your order. A Nazi's greatest ambition is to clean the human gene pool. A retard's greatest ambition is to clean the swimming pool.
  6. Microsoft TV Dinner Instructions -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
  7. The Shit List THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl. THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper. THE WET SHIT You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks. THE SECOND WAVE SHIT This shit happenes when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more. THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. THE CORN SHIT No explanation necessary. THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting. THE WET CHEEKS SHIT Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE LIQUID SHIT That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute. THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT A class all its own. THE CROWD PLEASER This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. THE MOOD ENHANCER This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. THE RITUAL This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT This is any shit created in the presence of another person. THE GROANER A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance. THE FLOATER Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE RANGER A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper. THE PHANTOM SHIT This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there. THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. THE BOMBSHELL A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities. THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. THE OLYMPIC SHIT This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit. THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car. THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit. PREMEDITATED SHIT Laxative induced. Doesn't count. SHITZOPHERENIA Fear of shitting - can be fatal! ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT Also known as a "Still Going" shit. THE POWER DUMP SHIT The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done. THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.) THE SPINAL TAP SHIT The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways. THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spincal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards. THE PORRIDGE SHIT The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or ( risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning. THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air. THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
  8. Funny Newspaper Headlines: Include your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Farmer Bill Dies in House Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Prostitutes Appeal to Pope British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  9. GIRLFRIEND COMMUNICATION GUIDE Men are from Mars? Women are from Venus? Please. We're all from the same Hell, and it's called Earth. Here's some help to translate what she is saying so that you don't end up being killed in your sleep. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND SAYS Vs. WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND MEANS: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- · We need. = I want. · It's your decision. = The correct decision should be obvious by now. · Do what you want? = You'll pay for this later! · We need to talk. = I need to complain · Sure... go ahead. = I don't want you to. · I'm not upset. = Of course I'm upset, you retard. · You're look very manly. = You need a shave and you smell. · You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about? · I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = It's my period. · Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I feel fat. · This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I want a new apartment. · I want new curtains... = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... · I need wedding shoes. = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white · Hang the picture there. = NO, I mean hang it there! · I heard a noise. = I noticed you were almost asleep. · Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. · How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like. · I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. · Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. · You have to learn to communicate. = You have to learn to agree with me. · Are you listening to me!? = (When you hear this it's too late. You're dead!) · Yes. = No. · No. = No. · Maybe. = No. · I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry. · I'm not yelling! = Yes I'm yelling, because this is important. In answer to "What's wrong?" · The same old thing. = You. · Nothing. = Everything. · Everything. = My PMS is acting up. · Nothing, really. = I hate you! · I don't want to talk about it. = I'm not ready to yell at you yet.
  10. Apartment Ad Translation Guide -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SPACIOUS - hole in the wall; compared to living in your car; that's why we're charging $200 above the going rate. EASY ACCESS TO TRANSPORTATION - in the flight path of an airport; next to the railroad tracks; next to a major road/highway. FRIENDLY STAFF - Doberman pincher mentality. FREE UTILITIES - Would you pay this high rent AND the water and garbage? HEATED POOL - only when the sun's out; only on the off chance there's water in it WORKOUT ROOM - four walls, some free weights, a machine or two and a clunky stationary bike. GREAT VIEWS - within touching distance of neighbors; overlooking the garbage dumpster; overlooking the pool; overlooking the cute guy/gals apartment. AFFORDABLE - yearly income must be $100,000 or more; wealthy parents pay the rent for you. PETS WELCOME - no kids; the odor from the previous owner's pets couldn't be removed. AEK - All Electricity Kancelled W/D - Will be Disillusioned; Will be Disgusted; Worried/Depressed people. AC - Atrocious Carpeting WWC - Wall to Wall Crap LIGHT AND AIRY - built as cheaply as possible. SECURE PARKING - manager's office overlooks the parking lot. !!! - desperation to sell is linked to the number of '!!!' RUSTIC - classic 60's decor; outhouse included; one heating vent.
  11. A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black horse!
  12. Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...
  13. At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "Thank God we can all still drive"
  14. Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer." Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'" She said, "'No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
  15. MEMORABLE WEDDING NIGHT ................................... The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals--a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist-were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed. The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles. The dentist would not tell the others what he had done, and wore a sly grin, simply suggesting that his gag would be a memorable one. The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter which read as follows: DEAR FRIENDS, We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But, I swear to God Almighty, I'm going to kill the idiot who put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.
  16. Little Billy is in grade one and his teacher asks him a question, "Billy if there are 5 birds in a tree and a hunter shoots one, how many are left?" Billy answers, "none." The teacher responds, "If the hunter only shoots one bird, how can there be no birds left in the tree?" Bill explains, "Well the hunter may have only killed one bird but the noise from the gun scared them all away so no birds are left in the tree!" The teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for but I do like the way you think." After class Billy approaches the teacher and asks, "There are three women eating ice cream cones on a park bench. one of them is licking it, another is biting it, and the last one is sucking it, which one is married?" The teacher responds "The one sucking it." Little Billy says, "No the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you think!"
  17. Two guys are shopping in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, “I’m sorry, I was looking for my wife.” “What a coincidence. So am I, and I’m getting a little desperate,” says the other man. “Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?” “She’s tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass. What does your wife look like?” “Oh, never mind. Let’s look for yours!”
  18. A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning. "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right. After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me." "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his ass. He won't even wake up." So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're fucking my wife, but do you really have to use my ass as your scoreboard?"
  19. There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
  20. A bus full of Catholic school girls veers off the road and crashes and all aboard are killed. The next thing they know is that they are standing in front of the Pearly Gates being asked questions by St. Peter. He asks the first girl "Rebecca, have you ever touched a penis?" She says no. St. Peter lets her through. He asks the second girl "Dana, have you ever touched a penis?" She says, "well, I touched one with the tip of my finger once." St. Peter says "proceed, but before entering heaven, wash your finger with holy water." He then asks the next girl "Rosie, have you ever touched a penis?" Rosie blushes and says "yes, I gave my boyfriend a handjob once." St. Peter says "Enter heaven my child, but before you do wash your hand in holy water." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in line and Sue cuts to the front of the line and says "if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water I want to do it before Stacy sits in it...."
  21. A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Three!"
  22. On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" "How much for a season pass?"
  23. The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
  24. God came down and he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." The Germans asked, "what are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "Rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested." So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments." And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested." He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife." "Not covet my neighbour's wife? We're not interested." He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments? How much are they?" "They're free." "Good then, we'll take 10!"
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