STRESS RELIEF

[Reno]

Rosie O'Donnell and her driver are cruising down a country road one evening when a cow runs in front of the Mercedes. The driver tries to dodge the livestock, but ends up slamming into it, instantly killing the animal. Eyes brimming with tears, Rosie implores her driver to go to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later, the driver staggers back to the car in disarray. He's holding a bottle of champagne in one hand and a cigar in the other. "How did it go?" Rosie asks. "Well," the driver says. "The farmer gave me this expensive champagne, and his wife gave me this cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad, passionate love to me." "My God," Rosie says. "How did that happen?" "I just walked up to the door and said, 'I'm Rosie O'Donnell's driver, and I just killed the cow.'"

[Reno]

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop. One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. “Want some of this?” she purred. “Are you kidding?”, he replied. “Look what it did to your underwear!”

[Reno]

A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo after it had run a stop sign. “May I see your driver’s license and registration please.” “What’s the problem, officer?” “You just ran that stop sign back there.” “Oh come on, pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me.” “Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.” “You gotta be kidding me!” “It’s no joke, sir.” “Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.” “That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and—” “You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?” “Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately.” “I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.” The policeman had enough. “Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. “Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”

[Reno]

A man with stomach pains goes to the hospital. The doctor tells him it’s constipation and that he’ll need to use suppositories. The man is instructed to drop his pants and bend over, whereupon the doc shoves the tablet up his behind. “You’ll have to do the same thing every six hours for a week,” says the doctor. Later that evening, the man is having difficulty inserting another suppository and decides to ask his wife for help. He tells her what to do, then drops his pants and bends over. She proceeds to put one hand on his shoulder and with the other shoves the suppository home. “Damn!” screams the man. “What’s the matter?” she asks. “Did I hurt you?” “No,” he replies, “but I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!”

[TIM]

That's horrible Reno.

[Reno]

The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and relatives, was alone at the time of his death. An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put Mr.Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming and coming.....

[Reno]

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. "Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out ...." She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer...and while holding it close to her lips tentatively said... "Hello, Mom can you hear me?

[T-BONE]

The last blonde joke I heard like that was one with a cop and a blonde. He tried to make her give him the "Breathalyzer"

[T-BONE]

Little Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms. His dad said," Well, Johnny, can you touch your asshole with your dick?" Johnny said, "No!!" Johnny's dad said, "Well, there's your answer." Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios. His dad, again, said, "Can you touch your asshole with your dick?" Johnny said,"No!!" His dad said, "Well, there's your answer." At the end of the shopping trip, Johnny's dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket. Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!! His dad said,"Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man?" Johnny asked,"Dad, can you touch your asshole with your dick?" Johnny's dad said,"As a matter of fact, I can!" Johnny said,"GOOD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!"

[T-BONE]

A man is driving home late one afternoon and he is driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with it's red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can out run this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures 'what the hell'" and gives up. He pulls over. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go!" The man thinks for a moment and says. . ."Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back!"

[T-BONE]

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home hes stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ?" "About 35", was the reply. "I’m actually 47", the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I’d guess you’re 29 ?" "Nope, I am actually 47". He’s starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question, She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesignt is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady saus, "OK, it’s done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant ! How did you do that ?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[T-BONE]

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter" The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bed post".

[T-BONE]

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, "He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you." By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers. She says, "You're sure he isn't here?" The bartender says, "Yes, I'm very sure." The lady says, "Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom."

[T-BONE]

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home." "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?" After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home." Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after afew seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "Well.....I got lost once."

[T-BONE]

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

[T-BONE]

A man walking along a beach stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie. The genie said, "Okay...you released me from the lamp...blah, blah, blah. You get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly as I get a sick feeling within. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Also, think of how much concrete would be needed...how much steel!! No, you must think of another wish." The man said, "Okay," and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care about them and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish I could understand women, know how they feel inside, what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing,' know how to make them truly happy..." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[T-BONE]

A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, “My feet are cold. Would you get my sneakers for me?” The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend’s two gorgeous daughters. He says, “Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you.” The first daughter says, “That’s not true.” He says, “I’ll prove it.” He yells down the stairs, “Both of them?” His friend yells back, “Of course, both of them.”

[T-BONE]

This is very upsetting for you guys. Research scientists at Guinness suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption after considering the results of a recent analysis, which had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong

[T-BONE]

There was this big football player in the bathroom taking a piss, when in walks this little short guy who stands beside him to piss. The big guy couldn't help but notice the enormous size of the little guy's penis. He said to the little guy "I'm not gay or anything but how how in the hell can a guy so little have a dick so big?" The little guy replied "Well I'm going to let you in on a little secret, I am a leprechaun. I can grant you any wish you want, but there is a catch, you have to let me stick this up your ass." The big guy thought to himself "Well I have played football and got knocked on my ass, surely I can take the pain of a dick up my ass." He said "OK, my wish is for a million dollars." The leprechaun said "bend over." and proceeded to have his way with the football player. When it was over, the big guy exclaimed "I can't believe you got all that up in me." The little guy said "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"

[Reno]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

[Reno]

A guy comes home from the bar one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?" He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing." She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose. He yells at her, "What was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

[Reno]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

[Reno]

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."

[Reno]

There is a man and a woman in an elavator. Making conversation they ask where each other is going. The man say the 3rd floor to donate sperm! The woman says the 2nd floor to give blood! The man asks how much they give her for the blood? The woman says nothing!! The man says WOW! They pay me $$80 for the sperm!! She said WOW!! About a week later they meet up in the very same elavator. The man asks the woman, 2nd floor? The woman, with her cheeks full holds up 3 fingers!!

[Reno]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."