STRESS RELIEF

[Reno]

A fellow was touring Spain and stopped for lunch at a local restaurant. While dining, he saw a scrumptious dish pass by. It looked and smelled wonderful !! He inquired to the waiter what it was. The waiter replied: "Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull balls from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!" The patron, though momentarily daunted when he learned of the origin of the dish, thought: "What the hell, I'm on vacation," and then requested an order. The waiter regretfully informed him there was only one order per day as there was only one bullfight each morning. The waiter related further that if the patron returned and placed his order early the next day, he would be sure to have an opportunity to try the rare dish. The next morning the man returned, and much to his delight, was served the special meal. Upon inspection and after a few bites, he noted to the waiter that they were much smaller than the ones on the plate the previous day. At this, the waiter shrugged and replied, " Si, Senor. Sometimes the Bull wins."

[Reno]

A black man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter can't find his name in his ledger so he decides to do an interview to determine where he must go. He asks the man to remember any bad things he did during his life. The black man explains that when he was a child a bread truck turned the corner and a loaf of bread fell out of the truck, which he picked up, took home, and his family didn't have to pay the bread company. "Anything else?" asked St. Peter. The man tells St. Pete that when he was a teenager, he and his brother operated a refreshment stand one summer and made $5000 and didn't report their earnings to the IRS. "What else" asks St. Pete. "Well one time I spit on a Georgia state highway patrolman," said the black man. St. Pete then asked, "When was that?" The black man replied, " Oh, about 7 minutes ago.

[Reno]

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

[The Anti-Crisst]

Those are all funny! I might add one of my own, when my brain gets back... (I was listening to loud music)

[Reno]

You're brain comes back? DAMN...I'll have to train mine to do that now

[66 mustang]

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver

 

won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I

 

have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

 

 

 

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I

 

am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just

 

about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would

 

find offensive."

 

 

 

He replies, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

 

 

 

She responds, "Let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be

 

single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

 

 

 

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

 

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

 

 

 

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the

 

road, the cab driver starts crying.

 

 

 

"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

 

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm

 

married and a I'm a Baptist."

 

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my

 

name is Kevin.

[Reno]

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

 

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

 

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

 

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

 

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

 

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

 

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

 

Moral: Pay your bills!

[Reno]

This happened in a little town in Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true! This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

 

Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realised that there's nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way.

 

Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralysed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.

 

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realise the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

 

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, "Look, Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

[Reno]

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and he asked her, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

 

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "Why, it is made of concrete, of course," she responded.

 

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

 

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

 

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

 

Finally, frustrated and at the end of his rope, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. It's my husband that does. He says he can't communicate with me."

[Reno]

Three guys at a classy golf course are waiting for their friend to show up in order to complete their foursome. After waiting several minutes and at risk of losing their tee time, the three notice an oddball standing by the clubhouse all by himself, carrying a bag of clubs. The three of them look at each other, shrug their shoulders and figure, "Why not?"

 

They ask the stranger if he would like to play with them, and with a thick Italian accent, he agrees. While playing on a green, one guy asks, "So, what do you do for a living?" The Italian guy responds, "I'm a hit man." Not believing the guy, they begin to laugh.

 

"No, I'm not kidding," he replies, "take a look at my sniper rifle here in my bag, it costs $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The three golfers begin admiring the rifle and the huge scope that is on top. The first guy jokingly says, "I bet I can see my house from here with that thing!"

 

As a friendly gesture, the hit man hands him the gun and says "Here, take a look." The first guy takes the gun and looks toward his house through the scope, just past the next hole.

 

"Hey!" he yells while looking through the scope, "My wife is naked with the neighbour and they are kissing!" He asks the hit man, "How much for you to pull the trigger?", the hit man replies, "$1000."

 

The guy then yells, "Okay, I'll give you $2000; I want you to shoot my neighbour in his penis for obvious reasons and I want you to shoot my wife in her mouth for always nagging me!"

 

With that, the hit man takes his rifle, loads it, and takes aim toward the guy's house. He is sitting there for a long time, just looking through the scope. The guy yells, "What the hell are you waiting for?" The hit man says, "Hold on here, I'm about to save you a thousand dollars!"

[Reno]

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the men’s room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men’s room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

 

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

 

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

 

When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

 

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

[Reno]

A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

 

On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

 

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

[Reno]

[Reno]

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

 

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother". The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third said, "I've got you both beat." "You know how Mum enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well... I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mum just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

 

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.

 

She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

 

She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."

 

She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

[Reno]

This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up and says, "There's this dwarf with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you."

 

Sure enough the dwarf turns up. The owner asks him, "Do you want a male horse or a female horse?" "A female horth," the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?"

 

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes. "Nithe eyth”, but can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth, but can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

 

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nith eerth," he says "now can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horse and holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down.

 

"Perhaps I thould rephrathe that" said the dwarf. "Can I see her wun awound?"

[Reno]

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

 

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

 

The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

 

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to get a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek. Further up, you will find glory."

[T-BONE]

This is Hilarious:

 

http://www.flowgo.com/greetings/operababy/...y/operababy.swf

[TIM]

That's funny T-Bone.

[TIM]

I think Andy will be at that Olympic Games Purrfect_Kat.

[Reno]

FRIENDSHIP

 

Friend...

When you are sad... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against

the sorry bastard who made you sad.

 

When you are blue... I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

 

When you smile... I'll know you finally got laid.

 

When you are scared... I will rag you about it every chance I get.

 

When you are worried... I will tell you horrible stories about how much

worse it could be and to quit whining.

 

When you are confused... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb

ass.

 

When you are sick... stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want

what you have.

 

When you fall... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

 

This is my oath... I pledge to you 'till the end. Why you may ask?

 

Because you're my friend.

 

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

 

PS: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a

body.

[T-BONE]

Peanuts specials for the kids of today, coming soon...

 

We learn about VD in:

"IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"

 

Charlie and the little red-headed girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in:

"I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"

 

Is Linus gay?

"ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"

 

Charlie moves back to his house in East LA in:

"OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"

 

See how the Peanuts Gang deals with sexual pressures in:

"NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"

 

Discover a father's forbidden love in:

"IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN"

 

Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:

"IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"

 

What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in:

"GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"

 

Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in:

"ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"

 

Charlie Brown gets his first job in:

"WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"

 

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in:

"GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN"

 

Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in:

"WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?"

 

Charlie gets an AOL account and stays up all night long in:

"WELCOME!... YOU HAVE MAIL, CHARLIE BROWN"

 

The peanuts gang learns about death in:

"WHY ISN'T LINUS MOVING, CHARLIE BROWN?"

 

Charlie Brown learns the pain of a sex change in:

"YOU LOOK DIFFERENT, CHARLIE BROWN"

 

Charlie Brown learns about cyber sex in:

"WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, CHARLIE BROWN?"

 

Snoopy goes to town on Charlies leg in:

"YOUR DOG REALLY LOVES YOU, CHARLIE BROWN"

 

Charlie Brown joins a fanatically religious cult:

"IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, CHARLIE BROWN"

 

The Peanuts gang learns about self-stimulation in:

"WHY ARE MY PALMS SO HAIRY, CHARLIE BROWN?"

 

Charlie Brown learns prostitutes are trouble in:

"WHERE'S MY MONEY, CHARLIE BROWN?"

 

Charlie Brown learns about STD's in:

"THAT WASN'T THERE BEFORE, CHARLIE BROWN."

 

Charlie Brown learns about the consequences of prison in:

"DON'T DROP YOUR SOAP, CHARLIE BROWN."

 

Charlie Brown learns about suicide in:

"GOOD-BYE, CHARLIE BROWN."

 

Charlie Brown learns about pornography in:

"WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING, CHARLIE BROWN?"

 

Charlie Brown learns about tax fraud in:

"HERE COMES THE IRS, CHARLIE BROWN."

[T-BONE]

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

 

 

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

 

"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"

 

"Pardon?" says the manager.

 

"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."

 

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

 

"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

 

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

 

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

 

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

 

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

 

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

 

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

 

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

 

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

 

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

 

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

 

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

 

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

 

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

 

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"

[jaybird]

Hi, I just wanted to tell T-bone that it's 1am now and I have a pretty good buzz going and I just found the ghost pic.... DUDE THAT WAS WRONG ... I damn near pissed myself.... I cant wait till I show my friends

[T-BONE]

Showing friends is a good thing. Just make sure you're outta arms reach when they collect themselves. Here's that link for you other people out there that might have missed this fun time. Turn your speakers up and look at the screen for a little while. Pretty soon you'll hear the ghost in the background and then he'll pass in front of the screen. Watch closely.

 

Ghost Pic

[Blue Charvel]

To Prepare for his big date the young man went on top of the roof of his

apartment building in order to get a little color for himself. Not wanting

any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately he fell

asleep while on the roof and sunburned his manhood.

 

Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date, because it was a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. Feeling this should resolve his painful situation.

 

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man

treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living

room to watch a movie. During the movie, however the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

 

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain

so he went to the kitchen, and poured a tall cold glass of milk. He then

placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his dick immersed in the glass of milk.

 

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "SO, THAT'S HOW YOU LOAD THOSE THINGS!"