STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?" Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

[T-BONE]

"THE MAN CODE"

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

 

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

 

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

 

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

 

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

 

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT . (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

 

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

 

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

 

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

 

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

 

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

 

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

 

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

 

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

 

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

 

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

 

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

 

19 . It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

 

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

 

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

 

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

 

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

 

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

 

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

 

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

[T-BONE]

One day a man laying out on the beach gets so badly sunburned that he has to go to the hospital. "Doc, you gotta help me" says the man. "It hurts like hell when anything touches my body." "OK" says the doctor, i'm gonna give you some skin cream and a prescription for viagra." Viagra?...what for?" asks the man. The doctor replies "it will help keep the sheets off your legs"

[T-BONE]

A koala bear sneaks into a prostitute's apartment through a window and starts to eat her out. She just starts to get into it and then the koala stops and starts to exit the way he came in. "Hey, Mr. koala bear," she said, "I'm a prostitute, and so I'll need my money." The koala bear looked at her confusedly. So she got a dictionary and looked up the word "prostitute." It said "A woman who sells her body for cash." The koala bear took the dictionary from her and looked up the term "koala bear." It said, "An Australian mammal who eats bushes and leaves."

[T-BONE]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he responded. "Oh. Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[T-BONE]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit," said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[T-BONE]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. A few days later, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did, and his nose quickly warmed up. Again, the next day, the boyfriend is driving with the daughter and he told her, "My penis is frozen solid." She once again, gave her standard advice. Later that day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her Mother. She asked, "Mother, have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned Mother replied, "Sure, but why do you ask?" The daughter answered, "Well, I just wondered ... do they always make such a big mess when they thaw out?"

[T-BONE]

A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..." At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll screw her again!!!"

[T-BONE]

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you please help me? Signed: A Troubled User -----Reply Separator----- Dear Troubled User, This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of Luck, Tech Support

[T-BONE]

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago

[T-BONE]

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'" "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy you yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open?'"

[T-BONE]

The Ten Commandments (In Ebonics)

 

1.I be God. Don' be dissing me...

 

2.Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib...

 

3.Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that...

 

4.Y'all betta be in church on Sundee...

 

5.Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him neither...

 

6.Don' ice ya bros...

 

7.Stick to ya own woman...

 

8.Don' be liftin no goods...

 

9.Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies...

 

10.Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin...

[T-BONE]

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!" "You ain't being robbed" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!" The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I AM being robbed!"

[Reno]

Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

 

A: Nine times outta ten you end up with an onion with long ears, but hopefully you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes

[Reno]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem? "Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

 

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?

Harry replied: "Pockets. "

 

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin whitish liquid?

 

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge

 

Harry: "Coconut"

 

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Harry: "Bubble gum"

 

Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

Harry: Shake hands

 

Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Firetruck.

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

[TIM]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl,

were driving down the road drinking

a couple of bottles of Bud.

 

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey

thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice

roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer

drinkin' these here beers!!"

 

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said,

"We'll just pull over and finish

drinkin' these beers, peel off the

labels and stick 'em on our foreheads,

and throw the bolltles under the seat."

 

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

 

"Just le me do the talkin', OK?" Earl

said.

 

Well, they finished their beers, peeled

the labels off and stuck them on their

foreheads and threw the empty bottles

under the seat.

 

When they reached the roadblock,

the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin?"

 

"NO SIR," Earl said. "We're on the PATCH!"

[66 mustang]

The Ten Commandments in Cajun... (Keeps it REAL Simple)

 

1. God is number one... and das' All.

2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.

3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.

 

4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.

5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.

 

6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!

 

7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.

8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.

 

9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.

10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

[Reno]

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?" The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time the misses and I have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating. " The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!" The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that." The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, how did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, " So??? What happened?" The other guy says, "she bit my cock, shit on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "

[Reno]

88 year old Vern and 82 year old Mildred became very close to each other at their nursing home. Although they didn't have sex, every night Mildred would go to Vern's room and they would lie in bed and watch TV while she held his privates. One night Mildred went into Vern's room and found another resident of the nursing home, Edith, in Vern's bed, watching TV and holding his privates. "Vern", Mildred cried, "Is she prettier than me?" Vern replied, "NO!" "Does she have a better personality?" Vern replied, "NO!" "Then please tell me what does Edith have that I don't?" "Parkinsons," Vern replied.

[Reno]

An Italian family was sitting at the dinner table when the father asks his oldest son Tony! "Why are you such a fat fuck?" The son replies: "Pops, it's mom's pasta! I can't stop eating it." The father says: "You should take smaller bites! It will make you trim." Then the father asks the second son: "Anthony! Why are you such a fat Fuck?" The son replies: "Pops, it's mom's pizza! I can't stop eating it it's so good!" Papa says: "You should also take smaller bites. Ask your other brother Angelo how he stays trim." Angelo replies: "It's easy! I eat lots of pussy." To which the father replies: "Pussy?! Pussy tastes like shit!" To which Angelo replies: "Yo pops! You should take smaller bites!"

[Reno]

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says, "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says, "I'll have a vanilla." Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says, "What do you want fat head?" The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?" The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants: The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there (outside) that's my nice truck!!! The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house!!! The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!!!"

[Reno]

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

[Reno]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." "Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.

[Reno]

CUSTOMER SERVICE

 

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the "WordPerfect Helpline" which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (now I know why they record these conversations)

 

 

"Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away"

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two

cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

"Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

[T-BONE]

The Tech was fired? Damn...I would have said the same thing to the guy if not worse. Too funny.