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STRESS RELIEF


TIM

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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I

not come work today, I

really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my

legs hurt.. I not come

work."

 

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need

you today. When I feel

like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me

sex. That makes everything

better and I can go to work. You should try that."

 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do

what you say and feel

great. I be at work soon. You got nice house,

Boss."

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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night

 

and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his

highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each

time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way

for her to buy new clothes. Arriving home around noon one day, she found

her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of

the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate downsizing and it's effects

on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing

deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing

across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing

him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that

he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years

she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her

investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the

side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied,

 

"If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

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Actual Writings on Hospital Charts by Doctors

 

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

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Meaningful Quotes

 

Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most

beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can

buy."

 

Steve Martin: "You know 'that look' women get when

they want sex? Me neither."

 

Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless

experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's

pretty damned good."

 

Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge.

If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a

good hand."

 

Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets,

I'd have no sex life at all."

 

Rodney Dangerfield: "My wife said she'd like to

have sex in the back seat of the car ... and she

wanted me to drive."

 

George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have

no intention of getting married."

 

George Burns: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to

shoot pool with a rope."

 

Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical

devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in

women. Chief among these is the Mercedes Benz 380SL."

 

Harvey Korman: "Using Viagra is like putting a new

flagpole on a condemned building."

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What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?

They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

 

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

 

What's the difference between greeting the Queen of England and greeting Bill Clinton?

You only have to get down on one knee to greet the queen.

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Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake

 

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

 

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

 

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

 

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

 

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

 

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

 

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

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Here's a few mama jokes I don't think Reno covered:

 

Yo mama's so fat she went bungee cord jumping and went straight to hell

 

Yo mama's so poor that when you asked what was for dinner, she put her foot on the table and said "corn."

 

Yo mama's so dumb she sold the car for gas money

 

Yo mama's so fat it takes her three trips to haul ass

 

Yo mama's so fat, Goodyear called and asked her to join the fleet- cover the next super bowl

 

Yo daddy's so ugly he made Ben Gay go straight

 

Yo mama's so fat a cop stopped her and told her to break it up

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  • 2 weeks later...

Here's one more:

 

Yo mama's so dumb she thought Hamburger Helper came with a little man inside.

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How come people send me these sort of jokes. Just what are they inferring? :huh:

 

 

****************************************************

 

A Farmer from Wales buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

 

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

 

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his LandRover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

 

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the LandRover again.

 

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing ground.

 

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

 

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the LandRover and one of them is beeping the horn."

 

********************************************************

 

Mace

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World domination is everyone's dream. It's not a bad job really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Villian I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, I follow these guidelines while conquering the world...

 

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

 

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

 

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

 

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

 

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

 

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

 

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

 

8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

 

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

 

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

 

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

 

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

 

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

 

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

 

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

 

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

 

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

 

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

 

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

 

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

 

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

 

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

 

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

 

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

 

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

 

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

 

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

 

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

 

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

 

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

 

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

 

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

 

33. I will never employ the use of a major weapon that takes time to charge up before firing and utterly destroying the rebel base. Instead I will use weapons that can do the same thing with a single push of a button.

 

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

 

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

 

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

 

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

 

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

 

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

 

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

 

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

 

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

 

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the hot rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let him in on my plans.

 

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

 

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

 

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and shoot the advisor.

 

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

 

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

 

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

 

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

 

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the hot friend of the hero's cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

 

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

 

53. If the hot friends of the hero that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

 

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

 

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

 

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

 

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

 

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

 

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

 

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

 

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

 

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

 

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

 

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

 

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

 

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

 

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

 

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

 

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

 

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

 

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

 

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.

 

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

 

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

 

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

 

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

 

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

 

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

 

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

 

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

 

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

 

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

 

83. If I¹m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

 

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

 

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

 

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

 

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

 

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

 

89. After I captures the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

 

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

 

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

 

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

 

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

 

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

 

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell-mate tells the guard it¹s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

 

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

 

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

 

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

 

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

 

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

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HaHa. Sounds like my kind of villain Reno. Rarely can you find a movie or a book where the criminal mastermind doesn't screw up with some silly mistake. I watch FBI cases quite a bit. Although I'm glad the crimainal was caught, I wonder how they could make such stupid mistakes. They leave fingerprints (also blood, hair, and semen samples), hire someone they don't know, work with someone who has a big mouth and doesn't stand up to pressure, leave the police clueless and brag about it at the local bar, write letters that are along the same lines they have written in the past, use a one-liner that they are famous for saying, threatening the victim in public then carrying out the plan, driving their own vehicle to the crime scene, using a weapon which can be traced to them, using chemicals which can only be found at their jobsite, withdrawing large sums of money before the crime or drawing out funds equal to the cost of the crime, using a credit card or check to purchase the weapon, leaving your shell casings lying about,leaving signatures that you are well-known for, staying within an area where triangulation can pinpoint your base of operations, working with excons on parole that the FBI can use leverge against, falling for contacts and ads intended to set you up, having nosey neighbors, and leaving theirselves as the only person with a motive and no alibi. There are many others but those are usually the case.

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They now have ways to identify you by your pupils which are more accurate than fingerprints.

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Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

 

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

 

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

 

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

 

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

 

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

 

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

 

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

 

God says, "That was the screen saver".

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Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"

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A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

 

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

 

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

 

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

 

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

 

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

 

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

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Lessons I've learned...

 

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

 

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

 

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

 

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

 

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

 

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

 

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

 

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

 

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

 

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

 

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the

local paper.

 

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

 

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

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There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one exception, his penis. He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a cane and upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!"

 

The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "Look at that........

When I was 20............... I was curious about it.

When I was 30............... I enjoyed it.

When I was 40............... I asked for it.

When I was 50............... I paid for it.

When I was 60............... I prayed for it.

When I was 70............... I forgot about it.

And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!"

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The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

 

NAME:____________________

GANG NAME:______________________

 

1.) Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

 

2.) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

 

3.) Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

 

4.) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

 

5.) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

 

6.) Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

 

Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoe that spent his money?

 

7.) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

 

8.) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

 

9.) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?

 

10.) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Germany and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied " Just send me a postcard and write *sauerkraut* on the back." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack and died. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut - Two with wieners, two without".

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Little Johnny came home from College and told his mother, "I got straight F's but I had sex with my teacher!" Angry, she told him to go and tell his father. At first, his father was pissed, but when his mother was out of ear-shot, his father said: "Johnny, your mother can never know this, but your old man is proud of you." He then gave his boy a friendly tap on the butt. "WATCH IT!" said Johnny, "I'm still pretty sore back there!"

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A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called, late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. “What for?” he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!” Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.” The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.” :lol:

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