STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

A Blonde & A Brunette were in an elevator, on the way down, they stopped to pick up another person, a really cute guy who also happened to be going down. The Brunette whispers to the Blonde: "This guy is a hottie, too bad he has dandruff. We should give him Head & Shoulders"(giggling).The Blonde replies, a little puzzled: "That's a good idea, but how are we gonna give him 'Shoulders'?"

[T-BONE]

Top New Songs On The N-SYNC CD

 

 

 

14 "You're Pretty Mature For Your Age, Aren't You?"

 

13 "The Next Best Thing To An Actual Boyfriend"

 

12 "Yo, Girl, Your Butt Don't Look Big to Me"

 

11 "Baby, Just Wanna Give you a Pony and a Puppy Dog"

 

10 "A Personal Love Song for You -- Yes, You! We Really Mean It! You Are the One and Only Girl We Really Love, Even Though You're 12 Years-Old and Live in a Trailer Park in Nebraska. Honest!"

 

9 "I'll Be Waiting For You (On The Other Side of Puberty)"

 

8 "If You Buy Two, We'll Love You Twice As Much!"

 

7 "Acne Will Pass, But Love Lasts Forever"

 

6 "You Should Buy This CD -- Or That Bitch Suzy Will, and She'll Be More Popular Than You"

 

5 "Nobody Understands You, So Let's Get Freaky!"

 

4 "Baby, You Can Drive My Car (When You're Old Enough to Get a Learner's Permit)"

 

3 "Guess Which One of Us Actually *Likes* Girls"

 

2 "The Backstreet Boys Think You're Homely"

 

1 "What's Up, A-Cup?"

[T-BONE]

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk, she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. "Billy" "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Senator Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House; fourth - why did the bell ring 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?"

[T-BONE]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about

something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

 

The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the

class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the

blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

 

"Well, I can see that." she said, "but what is so exciting about a

period?"

 

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my 16

year old sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom

fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[T-BONE]

3 women escape from a prison, a blonde, a brunette, & a redhead. They come across an abandoned farmhouse. In the barn they find 3 burlap sacks, they decide to each hide in one,to lose the cops that are now hot on their trail. The cops find the barn & come across the 3 burlap sacks. The first cop says "there's nothing here, lets keep looking". The second cop says "Wait, lets check those sacks just in case." so the first cop goes up to the first sack which has the brunette in it, & kicks it, the brunette, thinking very fast yells out "MEOOOOW". the second cop says "ah it's just a cat". The cop goes to the second sack which has the redhead & kicks the sack, "WHOOOF" yells the redhead, "ah it's just a dog" says the second cop. Finally the cop kicks the 3rd sack & the blonde yells "POTATOES"!

[T-BONE]

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands." The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!" At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "Are my test results back?"

[T-BONE]

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary office. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away". The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?" The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out but returned a few moments later with a cat! The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but........what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."

[jason (FA-Q)]

Okay, I got one fo' ya........

 

 

Why do women have two sets of lips?.........

 

So they can piss and moan at the same time! HA! HA! (I crack me up!)

[Reno]

A young Black man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing this welfare check.. I would really rather find a job." The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy white man who wants a black chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips and satisfy her sexual needs. The salary package is $200,000 a year." The Black man said, "You're bullshitting me man!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

[Reno]

A man goes to the doctor and says he needs 3 doses of VIAGRA,the doctor says i cant give you 3 doses,what do you need it for? well the man says my girlfriend is coming over tonight,my ex-wife is coming over saturday night,and my wife is coming home sunday.well the doctor says ok but i want to see you monday so i can make sure you are alright.monday morning the man shows up at the doctor with his arm in a sling.what happened the doctor asked?the man replied NO ONE SHOWED UP

[T-BONE]

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers.

[T-BONE]

Thoughts Of The Day:

 

 

 

1) Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant

 

2) The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement

 

3) Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

4) There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.

 

5) An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

 

6) If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

 

7) Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

8) The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth

 

9) Get the last word in: Apologize

 

10) Thoughts for a Friday..... Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 

11) Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

 

12) Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing

 

13) Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

 

14) Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

 

15) All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

16) Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

 

17) In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

18) Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

 

19) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

20) AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these Terrorists-- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration! ! !

[T-BONE]

#500!!!

[jason (FA-Q)]

T-Bone

 

 

Soooooo...... buddy......... Tell me. which park bench are you going to be sleeping on this holiday weekend?

 

HA! HA!

 

 

What is this shit - #500???? Is that showing just how pathetic you are? 500 posts! Good God!!! I think I have only posted about 17 or 18 times? I can't believe what a loser you are for posting 500 times!

 

Oh well, have a happy holiday anyway!

[T-BONE]

Sayings Of Zen:

 

 

 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me either.

Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

 

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky

tire.

 

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal

your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

 

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

 

6. No one is listening until you fart.

 

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

 

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car

payments.

 

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and

he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably

worth it.

 

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are a windshield.

 

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

 

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from

bad judgment.

 

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it

back in your pocket.

 

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it

holds the universe together.

 

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then

things get worse.

 

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on

the same night.

 

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

 

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too

seriously.

 

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a

big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

 

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED!

[T-BONE]

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed. Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives. The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

[T-BONE]

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the blind carpernter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?" The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell." The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says "Ready!" The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest." Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!" The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long." The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job." The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. (She agrees to do this because it helps the joke.) She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says "Ready!" The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says "Ready!" The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "You can't fool me, that's a shit house door off a tuna boat." He got the job.

[T-BONE]

In a small town there were only two churches, one at each end of town; nearly everyone in town attended one or the other every Sunday. The respective pastors got by without cars and either walked or bicycled when getting around town. One Saturday they happened to meet, one on his bike, the other on foot. "Brother, where is your bicycle?" asked the first one. "Well," replied the second, "I'm not sure; either it's been stolen, or I rode it somewhere and then forgot and walked back home." "Here's what we can do," said the first. "In our sermons tomorrow we will preach on the Ten Commandments, and we will emphasize 'thou shalt not steal.' That way, if someone has taken it or has found it, he will perhaps be moved to return it." They agreed to do that and went their way. Two days later they met again; the second preacher was on his bike again. "Say, brother," said the first, "I see that one of our sermons did the trick." "Well, yes," the second responded, "It was mine, but not in the way we intended. When I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left it."

[T-BONE]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything was quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

 

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

 

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[T-BONE]

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!" Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?" Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." "How come?" "To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" "Because that's my dick you're holding."

[T-BONE]

A (white) guy breaks down in a black neighborhood. As he's looking under the hood he realizes he will need a monkey wrench to fix the problem. He doesn't have one in his car and realizes he might be hosed. As he looks up from under the hood across the street he sees an old black woman sitting in a rocking chair watching over a bunch of little black kids running around in the front yard. He yells out to her, "Excuse me, but, do you by any chance have a monkey wrench I could borrow?" To this the old woman replies, "What did you say?" So again the guy yells at the top of his lungs, "I need to borrow a monkey wrench to fix my car, do you have one I can borrow?!" This time the woman jumps out of her rocking chair, clearly pissed off, and yells, "You some kind of smartass or what!?" At this point the guy is totally perplexed and has no idea what to say. Noticing his confusion the woman yells at him again and says, "You've got some nerve asking me if this is a Monkey Ranch!!!!!!"

[T-BONE]

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And, I know why you and daddy got divorce." "Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

[T-BONE]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. and find his Daddy in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, with everyone at the breakfast table, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[T-BONE]

Married for 20 years.... There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights... Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one"... She went completely ballistic.... "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"... The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy.... you explain the kids."

[T-BONE]

Radar Trap

Love those cops...

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?

I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO ?

"I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work myway up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I workuntil I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

I simply replied, " You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....."

 

Bail: $100

Ticket: $95

Look on cop's face: Priceless