STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

A teenage girl arriving home from school asks her mother, “Is it true what the teacher told us today?" “What’s that?” the mother replied. “That babies come from the same place that boys put their penises,” the daughter said. “Yes it is dear,” mother said, glad that the subject had finally come up at school. “But when I have a baby,” the girl responded, “Won’t it knock my teeth out?”

[T-BONE]

Dear Tide,

 

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. Well one thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Later, my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief. I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go now, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

 

Signed,

A relieved menopausal wife

[T-BONE]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

 

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me" He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

 

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

[jason (FA-Q)]

Marla's New Clock

There... You see?.... Now that's just over the top.

[T-BONE]

An old farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing it, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Havin' some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are...I never heard of circle flies." So the old farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies 'cause they're almost always found circlin' around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though".

[T-BONE]

Marla's New Clock

There... You see?.... Now that's just over the top.

And if you would have found that before me, we all know who would have posted it

[Bubbasmama]

this is too cute!!

 

[T-BONE]

Hmmm...someone has a very interesting idea of what Art consists of

 

[T-BONE]

Never Be Afraid To Say What You Really Feel

 

[T-BONE]

I won't be around for a while. I'll miss you all. I'm having a bunch of house repairs done and It's taking up alot of my undivided attention. You can come over and help watch if you like

 

[T-BONE]

An old farmer in Ohio had owned a large farm for several years. Out back was a pond which he'd spent countless hours beautifying. He'd added picnic tables, tree's, plants, BBQ's and even a basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond - He hadn't been there for a while and thought he better give it a look over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave you pervert!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligators..."

[T-BONE]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave" Adam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), "Geez..." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?".

[Bubbasmama]

Take a look at the two birds below. Study them closely and watch their habits......... See if you can spot which of the two is the female. It can be done. Even by one with no skills whatsoever in bird watching.....

 

 

 

 

[T-BONE]

Curiosity Killed The Cat

[Bubbasmama]

Curiosity Killed The Cat

I'm a cat lover........that is just not right.....

[jason (FA-Q)]

I just got my new car!

It rides like a dream.

[jason (FA-Q)]

HOLY JESUS!!

[T-BONE]

MARLA!!!!! Whoa!!!!!!!!

[jason (FA-Q)]

[jason (FA-Q)]

Marla's New Clock

There... You see?.... Now that's just over the top.

And if you would have found that before me, we all know who would have posted it

Jason's clock!

[Christine]

This guy was on the local news tonight... freakin' hilarious!

 

Wedding Dress - Cheap!

 

****

Crap, I shoulda read the Flamefest thread first! Oh well... but check out how high the bid has gone!

[T-BONE]

Defense System

[Bubbasmama]

MARLA!!!!! Whoa!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!!!! You are SO far off!!! Those are just obnoxious!!!

 

Keep all sharp objects away.......one pop and that chick's heading for outer space!!!

[66 mustang]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse

>full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on

>talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of

>money.

>

>After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always

>right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

>

>The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She

>placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was

>curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The

>elderly woman replied that she made bets.

>

>The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

>

>The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles

>are square."

>

>The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible

>to win a bet like that.

>

>The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at thepresident and said,

>"Would you like to take my bet?"

>

>"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles

>are not square."

>

>"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money

>involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock

>tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

>

>"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

>

>That night, the president became very nervous about the bet

>and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his

>testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and

>again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as

>square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the

>bet.

>

>The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the

>president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made

>the day before that the president's testicles were square.

>

>The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the

>day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so

>that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

>

>The president was happy to oblige.

>

>The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and

>asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the

>president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100%

>sure."

>

>The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president

>noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked

>the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's

>probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the

>morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of

>Canada!"

[T-BONE]

This is waaaay to friggin funny! They made a video about Jason's childhood experiences:

 

Bangin On The Bedroom Door