STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

A motorist was pulled over by a traffic policeman. ‘Excuse me sir,’ said the officer ‘Do you realize your wife fell out of the car about two miles back?’ Thank God,’ the man replied, I thought I’d gone deaf

[T-BONE]

The coaches in St. Landry Parish (In Louisianna)went to a coaches retreat and to save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Boudreaux because he snores so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time so they vote to take turns. Coach Fontenot sleeps in Coach Boudreaux's room and he comes to breakfast next morning, hair a mess, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what happen to yah?" He replies, "Man, dat Boudreaux snore so loud, I watch him all night." Next night is Coach Guidry's turn. In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what happen to yah? Yah look awful!" He says, "Man, dat Boudreaux shake de roof. I did watch him all night." Third night, it's Coach Doucet's turn. Next morning he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning yah'll." Well, they can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened? It looks like you got a good nights sleep!" He replied with a grin, "Well, we git ready fo' bed. I go and tuck Boudreaux into hiz bed and kiss him goodnight and pat his hairy ass. He don't be sleep. He stay up and watch ME all night."

[T-BONE]

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem." Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.

[T-BONE]

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine". "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much". "So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either". "Finally I said, well, how much do you have"? The marine said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand" He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..." "Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!" she said.

[T-BONE]

A policeman and his partner park around the corner from a bar. At closing time they watch a man walk out to the parking lot who can barely stand up, he walks crookedly across the parking lot as people are leaving and driving out. They watch the man fumble around with his keys and try 4 cars before he finds the right one. Meanwhile other people are driving away.the man gets in his car and starts it up, the police have had enough and go over to his car. They ask him if he's been drinking, the man says no. The police takes out his breathalizer and tells the man to blow in it, amazingly theres no sign of alcohol. The policeman says, i'm sorry sir we're going to have to bring you in, my breathalizer is broken.."theres no need for that" the man replies."why's that?" says the policeman, the man replies, "cause tonight, i'm the designated decoy!"

[T-BONE]

Marriage Dictionary

BACHELOR: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 5) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 6) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

 

BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

 

COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

 

DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

 

GENTLEMAN: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

 

HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

 

HUSBAND: 1) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 2) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.

 

JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.

 

LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

 

MISS: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

 

MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

 

MRS.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

 

SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

 

WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

[jason (FA-Q)]

Good God T-Bone! Give it a rest before you break a finger on your keyboard.

 

[T-BONE]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's facewas severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[T-BONE]

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply. "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?" After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

[T-BONE]

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

[T-BONE]

This one is specifically for jason:

 

New FDA Alcoholic Beverage Warning Labels...

 

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is a "10." AND, Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant the new guidelines should read:

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.

[T-BONE]

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."

[T-BONE]

A redneck little boy walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing that night's dinner. "Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" asks the boy. "Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?" "No thanks, just the cider." "Well sure," responds the boy's mother and gives her son the cider and watches him trot contentedly off. About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy. Ten minutes later the boy returns once again asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" asks the boy's mother. "Well Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn't wait to get it in cider."

[T-BONE]

A woman goes to her local pet shop in search of a pet. There she finds a brightly plumed parrot. "How much for the bird?" she asks. "Oh, you don’t want that bird," replies the storekeeper. "He used to live in a whorehouse, so he’s got a dirty mouth." "But he’s so pretty," she gushes. "I’ll tell you what. Take him home, try him out. If it doesn’t work, bring him back." When it arrives at its new home, the bird looks around and squawks, "New house, new madam." The woman is disturbed, but ignores it. Hours later, her daughters come home from school. Again the bird looks around and screeches, "New house, new madam, new hookers." The woman is bothered, but ignores it—after all, the bird hasn’t actually cursed. A few hours later, her husband comes home from work. Again, after looking around, the bird squawks, "New house, new madam, new hookers. Hi, George."

[jason (FA-Q)]

T-Bone,

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

 

 

So what are you saying, man? You ain't laughing with me??

[T-BONE]

That depends on what i've been drinking

[T-BONE]

A pizza delivery boy rings the doorbell. A beautiful woman with see-thru negligee opens the door and gives the delivery boy a big smile. She asks him, "Do you like what you see?" The delivery boy says, "Yyyyyes" The woman says, "I hear someone coming, get in here and close the door." When the door was closed the woman opens her negligee and asks the delivery boy, "What part of me do you like best?" The delivery boy says, "Your ears." "My ears", the woman says, "but why?" Well, said the delivery boy, a while ago you said that you heard someone coming. That was me."

[T-BONE]

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this." Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married", he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

[T-BONE]

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure, the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?" The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."

[T-BONE]

Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'... He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore." "WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head... Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" ..... His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?" Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could!" His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

[Jimbo]

A lonely man sits all alone on a stool, drinking away his sorrow, when into the shabby bar walks a scruffy, flea-bitten mutt. As the man watches, the dog proceeds to trot past the bar's few startled patrons, lays down in the corner and starts licking it's own balls.

The lonely man, impressed by what he sees, comments to the bartender, "I sure wish I could do that."

To which the bartender replies, "Well, it's fine by me, buddy. But maybe you oughta pet him first."

[Reno]

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit! Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.

[Reno]

A blonde goes to a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. The man tells her it'll cost $300. "I don't have enough money," says the blonde, shocked at the price, "I have to send the message to my mother and I'll do ANYTHING to get the message to her." "Anything?" says the man. "Yes, anything," the blonde promises. "Well, follow me," says the man, leading her to another room. "Come in and close the door." She does. He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. "Take down the zipper on my trousers," he says. She does. "Go ahead," he says. "Take it out." She takes it out, grabs it with both hands...than pauses. "Well, go ahead," the man says, his eyes closed, "You now know what to do". The blonde slowly brings her mouth to it and says,"Hello, Mom?"

[Reno]

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says, "My favorite position is the 'rodeo' position." "What is the 'rodeo' position, and how do you do that?" asks the second man. The first guy explains, "Well, first you tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours, and then you do it doggy- style. Once things start to get underway, and she's really into it, you lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position too...' "Then, try to hang on for 8 seconds."

[Reno]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'