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What would the American Idol judges say


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you pick a well known music star and present what the AI judges would say to them. After you answer you throw out the next contestant. And if you want to answer a previous you may do so as long as you also answer the new "star" put to the judges.

 

I'd like to start out by throwing

 

David Lee Roth

 

in front of the AI judges.

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"David, you're very old, you're ugly and you used to sing for the most over-rated band of a genre we no longer require in popular musical circles. Leave the room before I get our bouncer Geoff to kick your ass. And remember, Van Halen suck." :P

 

Sorry, that's probably not the true spirit of the game. Please start properly now...

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Randy: "Wassup, Diamond Dave, I love ya man, you know what I'm sayin' dawg, but you were kinda pitchy on the high notes, you know what I'm sayin', but othawise it was HOT! DLR is IN THA HOUSE YO!"

 

Paula: (Wipes away tear) "Dave, you know I admire you... I'm a big fan. You're a very unique person and you have a singular talent (sobs, blows nose into tissue).

 

Simon: "David Lee who-is-it now? Well, it all seemed very karaoke to me. Poor, poor performance. And I wish you hadn't worn those assless chaps to your audition. You may be hot for teacher, but I'm not hot for ANYTHING after sitting through that mess."

 

So I get to pick the next victim? Okay, how about...

 

Rob Zombie

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Randy: Dude, Wow, not so good. We've heard much better from you. Where is the fire we heard before? You have a good voice but Song Choice is very important at this stage of the competition.

 

Paula: I really like that you are not afraid to try something new and I like the softer side of your voice.

 

Simon: utterly awful. Randy was right, I don't know where the Geoff with the fire went to but if you want to keep yourself in theis competition you need to go find him.

 

Next:

 

Pat Benetar

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Randy: Bitch, get in the dogpound that was awesome, dude!

 

Paula: You go girl. I'm all fired up after that. Let me lick you.

 

Simon: That was good. You have a good rock voice. If I wasn't a homosexual I'd growl at you, meow and then we'd make passionate love on the audition room floor.

 

Next:

 

Bret Michaels

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Randy: Yo Bret.... that was da bomb! You know what man.... this brother used to unskinny to your and your dogs back in the day. Wow, man....wow!

 

Paula: I'd let you talk dirty to me anytime. Room #322.

 

Simon: If you take away the the glitter, the tassles and the groupies... what are we left with? A balding old man in a cowboy hat singing tastless songs that hormone ravaged teenage boys get off too. Is that where the music industry is heading? If so, I;'m getting out of the industry. That was terrible. Great guitarist tho.... he's gonna go far.

 

 

Next: Marylin Manson

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Randy: Yo, Marilyn, you know what I'm sayin', that was pretty hot, but we already had The Zombie man up in here today and he was kickin' it old school, you know what I'm sayin' man, so that kinda seemed like a re-run to me, dawg. I wasn't feelin' it.

 

Paula: (Sniffles) You're such a sensitive man under that ghoulish exterior. I wish you'd let us see some more of that side of you. Without the makeup you're just a scared little boy, and I LOVE that about you.

 

Simon: Well, it wasn't the worst we've heard today, but it wasn't anywhere near the best either. Remember, this is a SINGING competition. Was there really any need for you to set decaptitated baby dolls on fire while walking naked on stilts? It all seemed very Vegas to me. I'm not impressed.

 

Next: Manowar

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Randy: Dawgs I was feelin' ya but just isn't what we had in mind, know what I'm sayin'. It would have to be no.

 

Paula: I don't know...I was entertained. I think there's an element there that's missing from the competition. Isn't that what it's all about?

 

Simon: Those Battle Hymns did nothing for me. It looked like a bunch of fifth graders in their mum's wigs turning their dad's stereo up to 11 and playing air guitar and drums until they got caught and made to do their homework. All very elementary...

 

Next up: Vince Neil

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Randy: I don't know dawg. That wasn't the greatest. It was just so so for me. I wanted rock and that didn't rock me. I know rock. I used to be in Journey. I have to say no dawg.

 

Paula: Vince, you really gave your all. You touched me.<wipes away tear> I think this competition could really use someone like you. I loved it. I am a fan. It's a yes from me.

 

Simon: Paula, you ignorant slut. Are you on the happy pills again? That was quite possibly the worst Vince Neil imitation I have ever seen. What? You are Vince Neil? This is not Fat Bloated Aging Rock Star Idol. You have wasted your time and more importantly you have wasted my time. It's a no. Off you go.

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Jason, you forgot to name the next victim!!!

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Randy:

"Yo DAWG, Rob, that was HOT, for real, you just raised the bar up in here for everyone tonight.The METAL GOD is IN THA HOUSE Y'ALL! Know what I'm sayin'?"

 

Paula:

(Sniffles, pops a pill) "This painkiller is in honor of you Rob. You're a very special person and you have a unique voice. There's no one else in this competition like you."

 

Simon:

"I hate to bash a fellow Brit, but I have to disagree with these two. Rob, you're older than I am and yet you're still running around dressed like an escapee from Leather Fetish Night at Chippendale's, yowling your bollocks off at the top of your lungs... I'm sorry, I just don't get it. It's a "no" from me."

 

Next Victims:

Def Leppard

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Randy: 'Dawgs, that shit you just played from 'X' was tha bomb! Not so keen on the stuff from 'On through the night'. If you're going to progress any further in the competition you're going to have to cut that sort of shit out. Based on the songs from 'X', though, it's a yes from me dawgs.'

 

Paula: 'I agree with Randy. Aside from the shit you played from 'On through the night' I really thought you guys came together well. Vocal harmonies were pleasing to my vagina. It's a yes from me.'

 

Simon: 'Well, you guys really lost me with the shit from 'On through the night'. You're lucky the other two have already put you through because you put me to sleep with that shit and for me it takes a lot more than a few good songs from 'X' to make up for that pile of horse raddish.'

 

Stevie Rachelle (Tuff)

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LMAO @ all the Randy Impersonations !

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  • 1 month later...
Stevie Rachelle (Tuff)

 

Randy: "Yo Bret, a'ight, that was pretty hot, not the best we've seen today but you got chops, y'know what I'm sayin' Dawg?"

 

Stevie: "Um...excuse me, did you just call me Bret?"

 

Randy: "Aw yea, Bret Michaels in the house, dawgs, kickin' it ol'school."

Paula: "Aren't you Bret Michaels?"

 

Stevie: "No, I'm Stevie Rachelle, from Tuff."

 

Randy: "DAAAAAAAMN, cuz you sure look like Bret Michaels, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Paula: "And you even SOUND like him."

 

Stevie: "But...but I'm not Bret Michaels."

 

Simon: "Well, who-EVER you are, I thought it was horrifically average. You SOUND like Bret Michaels, you LOOK like Bret Michaels, you'd probably be great PORTRAYING Bret Michaels in a Poison tribute band, but that's not exactly what we're looking for in this competition, is it? I'm sorry, this has gone on long enough already, it's a NO from me. Randy? Paula?"

 

Randy: "Yo, I'm sorry Dawg, I gotta go with Cowell on this one, man. Maybe next time."

Paula: "But you're very special. Carry that thought with you always."

 

Next up: Sebastian Bach

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  • 8 months later...

Since it's "American Idol" time of year again I thought I'd dredge up this thread... cuz it was a sh*t load of fun.

 

OK, I made the last post in this one months ago so who's gonna pick up the ball? What would the American Idol judges think of Sebastian Bach??

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Since it's "American Idol" time of year again I thought I'd dredge up this thread... cuz it was a sh*t load of fun.

 

OK, I made the last post in this one months ago so who's gonna pick up the ball? What would the American Idol judges think of Sebastian Bach??

Paula: Wow, Sebastian, that was ummmm I think I kind of, you know, wait.....I gotta shake a bit here...OK that's gone. That was interesting, I think.

 

Simon: Come on Paula, tell us how you really feel.

 

Paula: I did. It was ummm interesting.

 

Randy: Yo dawg, that was the bomb. I mean literally, the bomb. I say no.

 

Simon: Please Sebastian take the door on the right. Yes it's the open door. (Sebastian slams into the locked door). Oh sorry my mistake. Other door.

 

Next up: Dave Mustaine

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Paula: Holy tofu...Dave That was great!!!

 

Simon: Dave your still pissed at the Metallica guys, aren't you.

 

Paula: Who cares..They Suck.

 

Randy: Backed Paula. Metallica are Ball Licking Bitches

 

Simon: Yes they are but I love ST Anger!!

 

Randy & Paula: Simon You Suck!!

 

 

 

Next up...Paul Black

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Next up...Paul Black

 

Simon: "Okay, Paul, now who exactly are you again?"

 

Paul Black: "I'm the ORIGINAL singer for L.A. Guns."

 

Paula (checking Wikipedia) "No you're not. It says here that you never sang on an L.A. Guns studio recording."

 

Paul Black: "Um, no, I didn't, but I was in the band WAY before that other guy."

 

Randy: "Yo, Dawg, I KNOW you ain't talkin' smack bout my boy Phil Lewis? He's da bomb yo, he had it goin' ON back in tha day with tha Sex Action, yuknowhutumsayin'? You were the "original" singer? Demos and practice sessions don't count, dawg, a'ight? I want to hear the L.A. Guns thang goin' on, I wanna hear the Lewis man."

 

Simon: "Well, then I guess it's unanimous then. Thank you for completely wasting our time. Do us a favor please? If you happen to see Dave Evans or Al Atkins waiting on your way out, save us some time and save them some embarrassment ...tell them it'll be a NO from us. Thank you."

 

Next up: Ronnie Lee Keel

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  • 1 year later...

Come on, nobody wants to play this game anymore? :blink:

 

Bumpin' this cuz it's an all new "Idol" season and we have a new judge (Kara) to play with.

 

This week: Airbourne

 

Randy: "Ohhh SNAP, dawg! AC/DC in tha hizz-ouse! Bustin' that Black Ice, knumsayin'? That was TIGHT yo."

 

Airbourne guys: "Um... thanks, but we're not AC/DC. We're Airbourne."

 

Paula: "Are you sure?"

 

Airbourne guys: "Yup."

 

Simon: "All right then. It sounded very Karaoke to me anyway, whoever you are. Kara, what do you say? Is it yes or no?"

 

Kara: "I don't even know what I'm doing here. Why did they add me to this show? I'm totally unnecessary."

 

Paula: "Yes, you are. I'm sorry, Air Supply, or whoever you are, you're not going to Hollywood."

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