STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

2 Cents?!?!?! You cheap bastard!!! Break out the dollar bills here!!!!

[Bubbasmama]

That girl in MJ's photo is Chelsea Charms, I believe.......not sure of her website, but I believe it's probably somthing like chelseacharms.com LOL

 

 

........just thought I'd had my two cents to the perversion.......

Don't even wanna know HOW you know that, Jim!!!

[T-BONE]

That girl in MJ's photo is Chelsea Charms, I believe.......not sure of her website, but I believe it's probably somthing like chelseacharms.com LOL

 

 

........just thought I'd had my two cents to the perversion.......

Any relation to Lucky Charms?

 

[T-BONE]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada. sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Canada!!" said the manager. The boy replied, "Really? What team did she play for?"

[T-BONE]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

 

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

 

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

 

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

 

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

 

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[T-BONE]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

 

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

 

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

[T-BONE]

An old farmer in Ohio had owned a large farm for several years. Out back was a pond which he'd spent countless hours beautifying. He'd added picnic tables, tree's, plants, BBQ's and even a basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond - He hadn't been there for a while and thought he better give it a look over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

 

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

 

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator..."

[T-BONE]

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.

 

The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?" The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

[T-BONE]

Dirty Johnny and his friends were enrolled in sex education. During the lecture, the teacher kept referring to a "penis". It was "penis" this and "penis" that. The class behaved as if it understood.

 

Immediately following class, all the students gathered around Dirty Johnny. "Johnny, what's a penis?" Nobody had a clue. Dirty Johnny said he would ask his Dad when he got home.

 

When Dirty Johnny got home, his Dad was there. "Dad, what's a 'penis'?" His father unzips his pants, shows Johnny his dick and says, "This is a perfect penis." Johnny replied, "Thanks, Dad. I'll tell my friends tomorrow in school."

 

The next day, all the students gathered around. "What did your Dad say, Dirty Johnny?" Johnny promptly unzips his pants and shows all his classmates his dick. "This is a penis. And if it were two inches shorter, it would be the perfect penis!"

[T-BONE]

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

 

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?" Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

 

Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

[T-BONE]

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

 

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

 

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

[T-BONE]

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy Boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

 

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer

 

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

 

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me To Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[T-BONE]

An obviously upset woman visits her pastor. She pleads, "Father, Father, my children just will not stop cursing. I've done everything I know to stop them. You're my last hope, what can I do?" The Father said "Well, have you considered smacking the boys?" The mother, wide-eyed, replied, "Oh no Father, I thought the Church would frown upon that!"

 

The Father responded, "In severe cases, we do allow it. The next time your sons curse, why don't you try it?" The mother said "O.K. Father, If the Lord permits it." The next morning little Johnny and little Jimmy come down to breakfast and the mother asks, "Little Johnny, what would you like for breakfast this morning?"

 

Little Johnny says, "I don't know. Give me some fucking waffles." Well with that, the mother smacked little Johnny across the face and he slid down the wall to the floor. Little Jimmy, the younger of the boys, watched in horror.

 

The mother turned and asked ,"Little Jimmy, what would you like for breakfast this morning?" Little Jimmy looks at his brother on the floor, looks back at his mother, and replies, "I don't know but you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles."

[T-BONE]

There's a little 13 year old boy walking down the street one day with some chicken wire in his grasp, an old man on the corner see's this and is quite puzzled. He asks the boy "What are you gonna do with that chicken wire?" To which the boy replies, "I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" When he comes back later, he's holding three chickens in his hands.

 

The next day, the old man sees the boy with duck tape this time, this again puzzles the man, and he asks the lad, “What are you going to do with that duck tape?" To which the boy replies, "I'm going to catch me some ducks." Later the boy walks by the man, his arms full of ducks.

 

Then next day, the man see the boy walking down the street with a flower, the guy asks him, "What kind of flower is that son?" the boy says " This is pussy willow." This time the old man understands and replies, "Wait a second, I'll go get my hat!"

[davesworld]

T-Bone in the mood I've been in tonight, thanx for all the jokes. They have just cracked me up. All good!

[Bubbasmama]

This would be JUST my luck...........

 

Bad Dog

 

 

You and the wife are having a social gathering..

Your parents are there.

Your in laws are there.

Your boss and his wife are there.

The minister and his wife are there.

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening.

Then in walks the dog:

 

BAD DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[T-BONE]

Thats waaaaay to small to be your MJ

[Bubbasmama]

I beg your pardon?????

[T-BONE]

I beg your pardon?????

Beg all you want...you ain't gettin none

[Bubbasmama]

T-BONE.........you hush!!!

 

 

 

A sweet little boy surprised his Mama

one morning and brought her a cup of coffee.

He had made it himself and was so proud.

He anxiously waited to hear the verdict

on the quality of the coffee.

 

The Mama had never in her life

had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she

forced down the last sip

she noticed three of those little green

army guys in the bottom of the cup.

 

She asked "Honey why would three little green

army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

 

Her little son replied, "You know Mama...

'the best part of waking up,

is soldiers in your cup'."

 

[Christine]

Got this one today from a friend at my old law firm...

 

The GOP National Committee announced today that it is changing the

Republican emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly

reflects the party's political stance: A condom stands up to inflation,

halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of

pricks and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

[Christine]

OK, who likes going to the dentist??? Bucky's my boy...

 

[Bubbasmama]

GRAPHIC PHOTO! How Babies are Delivered

 

This is a really helpful photo for any of you who have kids, grandkids,

nieces, nephews, godchildren actually, for anyone who spends even a little

time with young children.

 

Eventually, you'll have to face the "where do babies come from?" issue, and

this picture is definitely worth a thousand words.

 

HOW BABIES ARE DELIVERED

 

[Christine]

WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS

~~ @ ~~

 

FRENCH WAR HEROES

by Jacques Chirac

 

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda

 

MY BEAUTY SECRETS

by Janet Reno

 

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS

by Dan Marino

 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

 

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden

 

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

 

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

 

MY WILD YEARS

by Al Gore

 

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

 

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

 

DETROIT: A Travel Guide

 

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J. Kevorkian

 

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

 

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

 

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes

 

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

 

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES

by the EPA

 

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

 

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson

 

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ........

 

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

with introduction

by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

[T-BONE]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.