STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING, the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS. The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT, the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP. The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION, the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP. The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS, the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY. The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD, the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET. The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE, the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE. The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX, the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES. The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY, the woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got fucked up.

[T-BONE]

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?" He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos." She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell." St. Peter says,"In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized." She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that.

[Bubbasmama]

Obsessions

psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

 

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

 

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

 

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

 

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.

 

"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[jason (FA-Q)]

T-Bone

 

 

I just did the tit test.......

 

I got 9 out of 12 right. You know what thou? That's just fine if I didn't get them all right, because I wouldn't touch any of those fuckin' ugly racks!

 

Sorry T-Bone! I don't mean to put down your entire family like that, but those tits were fucking disgusting!!!! The only thing I am wondering is, which set were yours?

[T-BONE]

A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina. The woman slams the door in disbelief at what a stranger has just asked her. The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman decides to tell her husband. The husband says to the wife, "Tomorrow I am not going to work, and when the man asks if you have a vagina, say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door." The next day the same man comes again, and when the woman opens the door he asks if she has a vagina. The woman says, "Yes". The man then said, "Good, then please tell your husband to stop fucking my wife."

[T-BONE]

A man was talking to an old woman on the day of her husband's funeral. "How did your husband pass on?" the man asked. The widow replied "We were having sex, and he had a heart attack and died." The man said "Thats incredible! A couple your age having sex!" The woman replied "Yes, we had it timed to the church bell. IT was in on the ding, and out on the dong." The man asked "What went wrong?" The widow said "The damn ice cream man went by!"

[T-BONE]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND DAMN-NEAR EVERYBODY

 

 

1. What's the Cuban national anthem? ................"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

 

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? ................A

different bar.

 

3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? ................They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

 

4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? ..A speech impediment.

 

5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? ................They're hiring.

 

6. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? ...........Because they're not going to work in the future either.

 

7. What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm? .............. A pimp.

 

8. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? ................Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

9. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? ................A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

 

10. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? ................Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell

*BINGO*!

 

11. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? ................A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

 

12. My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased 1 black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan.

..................Today they call it the PGA TOUR.

 

13. Why is there no Disneyland in China? ................No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[jason (FA-Q)]

I got one for ya!.....

 

T-Bone walks into a bar with no pants on. The bartender turns to T-Bone and says,..... "T-Bone, why do you keep coming in here with no pants on? You fuckin' pin-dick!"

 

HA! HA! HA!...... That was a good one! LOL!

[jason (FA-Q)]

Got Milk?

 

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milk weed in your pasture. Would mind if I went out and got some milk?"

 

"You don't get milk from milk weed!" the farmer replied.

 

"Oh yes" said the young man. "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, so I know all about it."

 

"Well, help yourself." said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

 

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

 

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.

 

Again the young man explained about his degree so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

 

The next day the same young man drove up to he farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the creek."

 

The farmer said "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you."

[T-BONE]

1. If all those smart arse psychics know the friggin winning lottery numbers, then why are they still working?

 

2. Why do they sterilize needles for the lethal injections?

 

3. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what idiot came up with "Quit will your ahead"?

 

4. Whose idea was it to have an "S" in "LISP"?

 

5. If its zero degrees outside today and its supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how bloody cold is it going to be?

 

6. Why is it that when a door is open its ajar, but when a jar is open its not a door?

 

7. Is it possible to have a civial war?

 

8. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash why isnt the whole airplane made out of the

stuff?

 

9. Why is it when you open a can of evaporated milk its still there?

 

10. Why do shops which are open 24/7 have locks on the doors?

 

11. Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?

 

12. If most car accidents occur within 10 km of home, why doesnt everyone just move 20 km away?

 

13. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Why cant you just write "a

good doctor"

 

14. Before they invented drawing boards what did they go back to?

 

15. If all the world is a stage where do the audience sit?

 

16. If you ate pasta and antipasto would you still be hungry?

 

17. If you try to fail and succeed what have you done?

 

18. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

 

19. Why is the alphabet in that order? is it because of that song?

 

20. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

 

21. Light travels faster than sound so is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

 

22. Does the reversie side alos have a reverse side?

 

23. Why is there only one monoplies commission?

 

24. Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

 

25. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didnt grow in it?

 

26. Why is abbreviated such a long word?

 

27. Is the leaning tower of Pisa a listed building?

 

28. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

29. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

[jason (FA-Q)]

Billy Joebob (aka: T-Bone), while a total idiot was a gifted portrait artist.

 

His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.

 

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joebob if he could paint her in the nude.

 

This was the first time anyone had made this request.

 

The beautiful lady said money was no object, she was willing to pay $50,000.

 

Not willing to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joebob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with this wife.

 

In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it.

 

However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.

[jason (FA-Q)]

Ten signs you're working to hard ...

 

1. You're so tired you now answer the phone "hell"

 

2. You're best friend calls to ask how you've been and you immediately scream" get off by back, BITCH"

 

3. Your garbage can is you're "in" box

 

4. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care

 

5. You have so much on you're mind that you've forgotten how to pee

 

6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday

 

7. You sleep more at work than you do at home

 

8. You leave for a party and instinctively bring you're briefcase

 

9. Your palm pilot exploded a week ago

 

10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now ...

 

 

[jason (FA-Q)]

My new work philosophy:

 

Always give 100% at work...

 

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Fridays

 

And remember...

 

 

When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.

 

Now get back to work.

[TIM]

Actually, it takes way more than 4. Still makes ya feel better though

[jason (FA-Q)]

Hey Tim!

It's just a joke, man! It doesn't require an exact science.

[TIM]

Just trying to get you riled up man. Things are about as stale as your mom's cookin' around here.

[Reno]

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall, but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks, the two went back to the tall woman's apartment.

 

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "Especially with the size difference and all."

 

"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs, and close your eyes," said the midget.

 

The woman did as she was told, and soon she felt the biggest thing she had ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had climaxed eight times.

 

"If you think was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

[Reno]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

 

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode

[Reno]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him: "My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor. "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore . He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter is a junkie. Get her in to rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a good lawyer. 5. Your engine oil is burnt, sell the car fast. 6. And if you don't stop whacking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

[Reno]

There was a guy sitting in the park with a newspaper and his pants down. Of course, no one could tell because the way he was holding his newpaper. A little girl came up to him and asked him what he was doing. "Playing with a bird," he answered and kept on pretending to read. When he woke up, he was in the hospital and was in terrible pain. "Doctor!" he called. "What happened to me?" The doctor said no one was sure yet but that a little girl was being questioned. During her interview she said, "Well, I found this funny-looking bird so I started playing with it. After a while it was very rude and spit up at me, so I broke it's neck, cracked it's eggs, and set the nest on fire."

[Reno]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Secondly, I'd want you to relax.....Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..........." he sighed.... "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[Reno]

Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who’s nailing down siding, has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing it in. The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, "Hey—how come you’re throwing half the nails over your shoulder?" The first blonde explains, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in." "You moron!" the second blonde yells. "The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective. They’re for the other side of the house."

[Reno]

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh god no!" cries the man. "My career is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great." said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours" "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a success." "Well there is one problem," said the golfer, "every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!"

[Reno]

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce". I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together" "Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market." "Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed. "Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

[Reno]

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ"? The man replied, "130". So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool". Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool". A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "40". The robot then said, "So, what band do you drum for?"