STRESS RELIEF

[Reno]

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from workers, it will be our policy to keep all employees well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other work place. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

 

Employees who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were hired, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be intersted in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

 

For Employees who are interested in pursueing a carrier in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)

 

 

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

[Jimbo]

An Englishman, a Scottsman and an Irishman are all sitting in a pub. The bartender brings them each a stout of ale, never noticing before he leaves that each has a fly in it.

 

The Englishman is repulsed and tries to get the attention of the barkeep to take the ale back.

 

The Scottsman flicks the fly out of his drink and has a swallow.

 

The Irishman grabs the fly by the wings and yells at it, "Spit it out, damn ya!"

[Jimbo]

For the fourth day in row, an Irishman stepped into a pub and ordered three pints of ale. Curious, the bartender asked him, "Lad, why do you not order one at a time? After all, I'm certain the ale loses its fizz and goes stale from the sittin'."

 

The man looked up from his drinking and replied, "Well, ya see sir, me brother Seamus lives in England, and me brother Patsy lives in Australia. So we all decided that as long as we live, whenever we order an ale we would also order one for our brothers to keep us close in spirit."

 

The bartender smiled and left him to his drinking.

 

When the same man came in the next day and ordered only two pints, the bartender was taken aback. "Oh my, son. I'm so sorry for your loss."

 

The Irishman looked up startled. Then realizing why the bartender was offering his condolences, he laughed and shook his red head. "Oh no, no! Me brothers are jes' fine. But ya see, I gave up drinkin' for Lent!"

[TIM]

:freak:

[T-BONE]

With all of this talk of war, many of us will encounter "Peace Activists" who will try and convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001. These activists may be alone or in a gathering.....most of us don't know how to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette: 1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas. They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian. 2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose. 3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful. 4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them if they are really committed to a non-violent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying. 5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct. 6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much harder. Square in the nose. 7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making. 8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting victim or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It is unacceptable and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost. We owe our military a huge debt for what they are about to do for us and our children. We must support them and our leaders at times like these. We have no choice. We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the nose.

[TIM]

What's white and crawls up your leg?

 

 

-Uncle Ben's perverted rice

[Reno]

There are only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use:

 

10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Look at all them @#$%ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras,126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$%'s going to find out??????"- Bill Clinton, 1999

 

And . . . DRUM ROLL PLEASE.....

 

 

 

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#$%ing mad." - Osama bin Laden

[Reno]

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN

by George Carlin

 

 

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

 

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

 

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

 

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

 

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

 

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

 

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

 

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

 

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

 

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

 

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

 

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

 

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

 

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.

 

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

 

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.

 

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

 

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

 

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.

 

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

 

And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

 

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

 

We need our country back!

[Reno]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket

during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled

inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the

beautiful heart forever.

 

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When confronted, he said:

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral --

I'm a gynecologist."

 

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

[Reno]

If the man/woman who wrote this ran for PRESIDENT I would VOTE for

him.

 

I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires.

 

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

 

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

 

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!

 

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

 

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

 

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that's not racial profiling, it is the law of statistics.

 

I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!

 

I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen you should have to speak English!

 

My father and grandfather shouldn't have to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

 

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

 

I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is.

 

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document and open to their interpretations.

 

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

 

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.

 

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid and smack their little a**es when necessary and say "NO."

 

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And please stay home until that new lip ring heals, I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me fries!

 

I am sick of "Political Correctness" and of all the suck ups that go along with it. I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa, so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

 

And if you don't like my point of view, tough shit!

HELL YEAH!!!!!!

[Reno]

I don't know how they wrote this with a straightface... This apparently

was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all

seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral

problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. Theengineers rolled

on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

 

Replacement of Mouse Balls Memorandum

 

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may

need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field

Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement

of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside

of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the

mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic

balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually

static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden

discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for

maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should

contact local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary

items.

 

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is

an unhappy customer.

[TIM]

A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house.

 

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that - I - am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

 

"The Funeral Home," his wife replied.

[jason (FA-Q)]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?........

 

Nacho Cheese!

[jason (FA-Q)]

What do you call..... ok, ok, wait!..... this one is really good!

 

What do you call a japanese black belt who has a father with diarrhea?...

 

A slap-happy-Jappy with a crap-happy-pappy.

 

I've always loved that one!

[jason (FA-Q)]

Have you heard of the new over height rap star?

 

His name is, 2 Fat Fo Sure

 

 

(get it!?... 2 pac shakur -> 2 Fat Fo Sure)

 

 

I'm makin' 'em up as I go, whadda ya think?

[jason (FA-Q)]

Ok, since I'm a big AC/DC fan, I have made up a joke !

 

Knock! Knock!.....

 

Who's there?........

 

"who made"........

 

 

Who Made, Who?.......

 

 

HA! HA! HA!

[TIM]

[jason (FA-Q)]

TIM!! Wake up and read my jokes!!

[Jimbo]

Knock knock.

 

>>Who's there?

 

Jason (FA-Q).

 

>>That's nice. Now let go of my nutsack.

 

 

 

 

 

(I can't believe this really lame joke was my 50th post. Talk about anti-climactic.)

[jason (FA-Q)]

I can't believe you have been allowed to post 50 times.

 

Knock! Knock!....

 

Who's there?......

 

Jimmy-bo......

 

Fuck you, go away!.....

 

HA! HA!... I just keep getting funnier!!

[T-BONE]

Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter told the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

 

"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

 

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.

 

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married."

 

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

 

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

 

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married."

 

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

 

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

 

"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

 

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

[T-BONE]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So they took their sign down and the next day there they were, driving around town with a new sign which read.......... TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER....... $50.00!

[T-BONE]

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was among the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up. The girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Not willing to let her know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that some people were passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" "Oh, it's easy. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

[T-BONE]

A Frenchman, a Russian and an American were discussing love-making. "Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ectasy this morning..." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Russian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once." he replied. "Only once?" the Russian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

[T-BONE]

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves.