STRESS RELIEF

[Reno]

GOOD TIPS:

 

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

 

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

3. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

 

4. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.

 

6. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

 

7. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

 

8. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

 

9. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be to afraid to cough

[Reno]

One morning at the law office, one lawyer looked at the other and said, "You really look terrible this morning." His companion replied, "I woke up with a headache this morning and no matter what I try, I can't get rid of it." The first lawyer told him, "When that happens to me, I take a few hours off during the day to go home and make love with my wife. It always works for me." Later that afternoon, the first lawyer commented on his partner's improved appearance. "I took your advice and it worked," the partner replied. "By the way, you've got a beautiful house."

[Reno]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?" "I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an o.r.g.a.s.m." The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

[Reno]

Mary woke up and told Sam, her husband, about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones as low as $10." Sam asked "What about one my size?" To which Mary replied: "Didn't get a bid!" Sam wanted revenge, so the next morning he told Mary about his dream. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10." Mary asked "What about ones like mine?" To which Sam responded..."That's where they held the auction."

[Reno]

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

[Reno]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

[Reno]

A man meets a very attractive woman in a bar and asks, "Will you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman's eyes light up and she immediately replies, "You bet I will. I'd do almost anything for a million dollars." Then the man asks, "Well then, will you sleep with me for ten dollars?" To which the woman replies indignantly, "Absolutely not, what do you think I am?" The man responds with a smirk, "We've already established that, now we're just discussing price!"

[Reno]

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the damn wall!"

[Reno]

God came down and he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." The Germans asked, "what are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "Rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested." So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments." And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested." He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife." "Not covet my neighbour's wife? We're not interested." He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments? How much are they?" "They're free." "Good then, we'll take 10!"

[Reno]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

[Reno]

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" "How much for a season pass?"

[Reno]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Three!"

[Reno]

A bus full of Catholic school girls veers off the road and crashes and all aboard are killed. The next thing they know is that they are standing in front of the Pearly Gates being asked questions by St. Peter. He asks the first girl "Rebecca, have you ever touched a penis?" She says no. St. Peter lets her through. He asks the second girl "Dana, have you ever touched a penis?" She says, "well, I touched one with the tip of my finger once." St. Peter says "proceed, but before entering heaven, wash your finger with holy water." He then asks the next girl "Rosie, have you ever touched a penis?" Rosie blushes and says "yes, I gave my boyfriend a handjob once." St. Peter says "Enter heaven my child, but before you do wash your hand in holy water." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in line and Sue cuts to the front of the line and says "if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water I want to do it before Stacy sits in it...."

[jason (FA-Q)]

Presidental sex quiz

 

 

1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to push the button in case of nuclear attack?

 

2. Which president alleged had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?

 

3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?

 

4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?

 

5. Which president called his mistress Pookie?

 

6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband and was branded an adulterer during his re-election campaign?

 

7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?

 

8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's person secretary?

 

9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet ? at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?

 

10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the other president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9]?

 

11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's?

 

12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named Jumbo)?

 

 

ANSWERS

 

1. John F. Kennedy

2. Bill Clinton

3. Lyndon B. Johnson

4. Thomas Jefferson

5. Bill Clinton

6. Andrew Jackson

7. George Washington

8. Franklin D. Roosevelt

9. Warren G. Harding

10. John F. Kennedy

11. Lyndon B. Johnson

12. Lyndon B. Johnson

 

BONUS QUESTION:

 

Before he became president,what was John F. Kennedy's nickname in Palm Beach?

 

Jack Rabbit

Jumper Jack

Mattress Jack

[jason (FA-Q)]

Ok, here are 5 short jokes

 

1. Q: What's the diffrence between Kobe Bryant and Christopher Reeves.

 

A: Kobe will walk.

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2. Q: What does a NASCAR couple have in common?

 

A: Their DNA!

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3. Q. How do you know if a Chinese person has robbed your house?

 

A. Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later he is still trying to back out of your driveway.

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4. Q: How did the blonde get her ears pierced?

 

A: Answering the stapler.

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5. Government Announcement:

 

The government announced today that it is changing it's emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.

 

The condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.

[Reno]

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

[Reno]

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning. "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right. After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me." "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his ass. He won't even wake up." So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're fucking my wife, but do you really have to use my ass as your scoreboard?"

[Reno]

Two guys are shopping in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, “I’m sorry, I was looking for my wife.” “What a coincidence. So am I, and I’m getting a little desperate,” says the other man. “Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?” “She’s tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass. What does your wife look like?” “Oh, never mind. Let’s look for yours!”

[T-BONE]

The Wisdom of Will Rogers

==========================

 

Don't squat with your spurs on.

 

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes

from bad judgment.

 

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin'

it back in.

 

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now

and then to make sure it's still there.

 

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try

orderin' somebody else's dog around.

 

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he

started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and

shot him.......The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your

mouth shut.

 

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

 

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.

Neither one works.

 

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop

diggin'.

 

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

 

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

 

Always drink upstream from the herd.

 

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person,

don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

 

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it

thrown around by somebody else.

 

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put

it back in your pocket.

 

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading.

The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee

on the electric fence for themselves.

[T-BONE]

This guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

[jason (FA-Q)]

Strange, Silly & Stupid Short Jokes......

 

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

 

He's all right now.

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How do crazy people like T-Bone go through the forest?

 

They take the psycho path.

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How do you get holy water?

 

Boil the hell out of it.

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What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

 

"Dam".

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What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

 

Polaroids.

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What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

 

Quatro sinko.

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What is a zebra?

 

26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

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T-Bone once told me what the difference is between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

 

He said it's the taste. ( I'll take his word for it!)

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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

 

Anyone can roast beef.

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Where do you find a no legged dog?

 

Right where you left him.

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Where do you get virgin wool from?

 

Ugly sheep.

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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

 

Because they have big fingers.

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How do you get two bagpipers in tune?

 

Shoot one.

[T-BONE]

Focus

[jaybird]

YOU DIRTY BASTERD!!!

[ptrocks]

NICE

[T-BONE]

Send it to friends. It's funny Here's the real link for it:

 

 

http://home.mn.rr.com/t1camp1/Focus.swf