STRESS RELIEF

[jason (FA-Q)]

HA!HA!HA!.... I'm on a fuckin' roll!

I am sooooo fuckin' funny!

 

Oh.... You want more..... YOU GOT IT!

 

 

 

If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?

 

 

HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA! I am sooooo fuckin' funny!!

[jason (FA-Q)]

HA!HA!HA!... Okay, okay... Whoooo...

 

This next one might be a little tough for T-bone to understand, so I'll speak reeeeeeeeaaaaaal sloooooooow.

 

What did the apple say to the worm?...

 

 

...You're boring me.

 

 

[jason (FA-Q)]

Hey MJ (aka: bubbasmama), I got one fo' ya...

 

How do you make a baby drink?...

 

...Stick it in the blender.

 

 

 

 

HA!HA!HA!HE!HE!HE!HO!HO!HO!

[jason (FA-Q)]

Okay Jackasses! I got a real good one for all ya.

 

he-he-he... I love this one...

 

 

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?...

 

...Two more bullets.

 

 

HA!HA!HA! Holy shit, I'm rollin' on the floor right now!

[jason (FA-Q)]

I was talkin' with TIM the other day, and you know what he told me?... Well, do ya?...

 

TIM said:

Birdie, birdie in the sky

Dropped some white stuff in my eye,

I'm a big boy I won't cry,

I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

 

HA!HA!... I think TIM's wacked out of his skull.

[jason (FA-Q)]

What's black, white, red all over, and doesn't fit through revolving doors?...

 

...A nun with a spear through her head.

 

 

How crazy is that?!!

[jason (FA-Q)]

T-Bone might not like this one, but I can't help myself. he-he-he...

 

 

 

What does T-Bone's mom and cow patties have in common?...

 

...The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

 

 

LOL!... C'mon, that was funny and you know it!

[jason (FA-Q)]

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?...

 

...T-Bone doesn't eat broccoli!

 

 

 

[jason (FA-Q)]

Joe died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, T-Bone and TIM. The three men had always done everything together.

T-Bone arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, T-Bone said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

 

The mortician rolled him over, and T-Bone said, "Nope, ain't Joe."

 

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought TIM in to identify the body. TIM took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

 

The mortician rolled him over and TIM said, "No, it ain't Joe."

 

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

 

TIM said, "Well, Joe had two assholes."

 

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

 

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Joe with them two assholes.'"

 

HA!HA!HA! Thank you, thank you very much!! GOODNIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!

[Reno]

Apartment Ad Translation Guide

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

SPACIOUS - hole in the wall; compared to living in your car; that's why we're charging $200 above the going rate.

 

EASY ACCESS TO TRANSPORTATION - in the flight path of an airport; next to the railroad tracks; next to a major road/highway.

 

FRIENDLY STAFF - Doberman pincher mentality.

 

FREE UTILITIES - Would you pay this high rent AND the water and garbage?

 

HEATED POOL - only when the sun's out; only on the off chance there's water in it

 

WORKOUT ROOM - four walls, some free weights, a machine or two and a clunky stationary bike.

 

GREAT VIEWS - within touching distance of neighbors; overlooking the garbage dumpster; overlooking the pool; overlooking the cute guy/gals apartment.

 

AFFORDABLE - yearly income must be $100,000 or more; wealthy parents pay the rent for you.

 

PETS WELCOME - no kids; the odor from the previous owner's pets couldn't be removed.

 

AEK - All Electricity Kancelled

 

W/D - Will be Disillusioned; Will be Disgusted; Worried/Depressed people.

 

AC - Atrocious Carpeting

 

WWC - Wall to Wall Crap

 

LIGHT AND AIRY - built as cheaply as possible.

 

SECURE PARKING - manager's office overlooks the parking lot.

 

!!! - desperation to sell is linked to the number of '!!!'

 

RUSTIC - classic 60's decor; outhouse included; one heating vent.

[Reno]

GIRLFRIEND COMMUNICATION GUIDE

 

Men are from Mars? Women are from Venus? Please. We're all from the same Hell, and it's called Earth. Here's some help to translate what she is saying so that you don't end up being killed in your sleep.

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND SAYS Vs. WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND MEANS:

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

· We need. = I want.

 

· It's your decision. = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

 

· Do what you want? = You'll pay for this later!

 

· We need to talk. = I need to complain

 

· Sure... go ahead. = I don't want you to.

 

· I'm not upset. = Of course I'm upset, you retard.

 

· You're look very manly. = You need a shave and you smell.

 

· You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

 

· I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = It's my period.

 

· Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I feel fat.

 

· This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I want a new apartment.

 

· I want new curtains... = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

 

· I need wedding shoes. = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

 

· Hang the picture there. = NO, I mean hang it there!

 

· I heard a noise. = I noticed you were almost asleep.

 

· Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

 

· How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

 

· I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

 

· Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

 

· You have to learn to communicate. = You have to learn to agree with me.

 

· Are you listening to me!? = (When you hear this it's too late. You're dead!)

 

· Yes. = No.

 

· No. = No.

 

· Maybe. = No.

 

· I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

 

· I'm not yelling! = Yes I'm yelling, because this is important.

 

 

In answer to "What's wrong?"

 

· The same old thing. = You.

 

· Nothing. = Everything.

 

· Everything. = My PMS is acting up.

 

· Nothing, really. = I hate you!

 

· I don't want to talk about it. = I'm not ready to yell at you yet.

[Reno]

Funny Newspaper Headlines:

 

 

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

[Reno]

The Shit List

THE GHOST SHIT

The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

 

THE CLEAN SHIT

The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

 

THE WET SHIT

You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

 

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT

This shit happenes when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

 

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT

Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

 

THE CORN SHIT

No explanation necessary.

 

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT

The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

 

THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT

The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

 

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT

The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

 

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT

Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

 

THE LIQUID SHIT

That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

 

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT

A class all its own.

 

THE CROWD PLEASER

This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

 

THE MOOD ENHANCER

This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

 

THE RITUAL

This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

 

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT

A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

 

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT

This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

 

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT

This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

 

THE GROANER

A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

 

THE FLOATER

Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

 

THE RANGER

A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

 

THE PHANTOM SHIT

This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

 

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT

Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

 

THE BOMBSHELL

A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

 

THE SNAKE CHARMER

A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

 

THE OLYMPIC SHIT

This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

 

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT

This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

 

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT

An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.

 

PREMEDITATED SHIT

Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

 

SHITZOPHERENIA

Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

 

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT

Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

 

THE POWER DUMP SHIT

The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

 

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT

This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)

 

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT

The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

 

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT

Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spincal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

 

THE PORRIDGE SHIT

The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or ( risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

 

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT

When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

 

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT

When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

 

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT

Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.

 

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT

Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

[Reno]

Microsoft TV Dinner Instructions

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

 

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

 

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

 

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.

 

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

 

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

 

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

 

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

 

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

 

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

[Reno]

Nazis and Retards: Coincidence? Naaaaah.

 

Some say there are no coincidences. If you look hard enough, you can find the amazing convergence of events that link Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy, Elvis and Jesus, or Dairy Queen and porno movies. Well, we just couldn't resist pushing the boundaries. Our psychic investigators at the Subtle Chunks Research Operation Terminally Undermining Mysteries (SCROTUM) have discovered a series of historical and behavioral convergences between believers in the Nazi party and people suffering mental retardation that shook our sanity to the core. Behold, if you dare... the first 66 of our findings:

 

Nazis shave their heads to demonstrate solidarity with the white race.

Retards have their heads shaved to prevent lice.

 

Nazis conquered Europe with large Panzer tanks.

Retards dominate the playground with large steel wheelchairs.

Ever notice how the Nazi salute and a retard's chest-thumping arm spasm are alike?

"Sieg Huuuuuhhhhh!"

 

Nazis want their own separate homeland, away from the lesser peoples.

Retards already have their own homeland: their own wing of the school and their own special buses.

 

Nazis pinned bright, imposing medals to their chests to commemorate their many military campaigns and victories.

Retards pin bugs, post-it notes, safety pins, and bits of yesterday's lunch to their chests because they don't know any better.

 

Nazis like beating up people.

Retards like beating off on people.

 

Nazis especially like beating up "mud people".

Retards especially like eating mud pies.

 

Nazis often have tattoos on their arms and chest to show their undying racial loyalty.

Retards often have marks on their arms, chest, and face from being allowed to play with the magic markers.

 

Nazis march in large, noisy, goose-stepping lines.

So do retards.

 

Nazis like to lock people into small rooms and gas them.

Retards like the smell of their own gas.

 

A Nazi likes to salute with his forearm extended and fingers pointed straight to show his unwavering passion and allegiance.

Retards like to stick their arm out to show you how proud they are of the booger they just pulled out of their nose... before eating it.

 

Nazis conducted terrible experiments on humans... like grafting a bull's testicles onto a man.

Retards try to replace the egg yolk with whipped cream... only to decide it's really macaroni.

 

Nazis gather socially to sing "Deutchland Uber Alles".

Retards gather socially to sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

 

Nazis burn books.

Retards try to set their farts on fire.

 

Many Nazis lead "double lives" and actually work and function within society.

Many retards rinse off the urinal cakes at Denny's.

 

Nazis shout "White Power!"

Retards shout "Pooped my pants!"

 

Nazis want to exterminate all those non-Aryan people.

Retards want to exterminate all those invisible people wielding sharp forks.

 

Nazis traditionally speak with a thick, Slavic accent.

Retards traditionally speak with a thick, slobbery accent.

 

Nazis want to lock up all the Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals.

Retards lock themselves under the bathroom sink.

 

Nazis think they should only breed with other Nazis.

Retards can only get some with other retards.

 

In 1936, Jesse Owens humiliated the German Nazis and Adolf Hitler in the Berlin Summer Olympics by outrunning the Aryan Germans and taking the gold.

 

In 1994, 451 retards humiliated themselves in the Special Olympics by running straight into a brick wall.

 

In WWII, the German Nazis almost defeated Great Britain by bombing them in air raids.

Every night, the retards of the house get together to drop slinkies and rolled-up socks down the stairs.

 

Nazis often walk with a swagger stick.

Retards often walk with crutches.

 

In the 1930's and 40's, thousands of people joined the Nazi party in Germany out of nationalistic pride.

In the 1960's and 70's, thousands of people declared themselves as retards to avoid going to Vietnam.

 

Nazis just love to sit down and discuss "Mein Kampf" for hours.

Retards just love to sit down and discuss "my crotch" for hours.

 

Nazis created mass graves of exterminated Jews in Eastern Europe.

Some retards keep mass collections of earwax under the matress.

 

Nazis often wore brown uniforms.

Retards often wear brown underwear.

 

Some Nazis believe that Hitler is really God and is going to come back.

Retards believe that if they keep knocking their own teeth out, the Tooth Fairy will keep coming back.

 

Nazis were constantly taught the importance of eugenics.

Retards are constantly reminded to be hygenic.

 

Nazism was born out of Germany in the 30's.

In the 90's David Hasselhoff is #1 in Germany. RETARDS!!!!

 

Nazis button the collars of their uniforms all the way to the top.

Retards button the collars of their flannel shirts all the way to the top.

 

Good Nazis get medals.

Good retards get happy-face stickers.

 

Really good Nazis get the Iron Cross.

Really good retards figure out how to get their eyes uncrossed.

 

Nazis tend to dress up in leather collars and harnesses after dark.

Retards tend to be restrained in leather collars and harnesses after dark.

 

In 1944, Roemmel ordered Nazi forces to pull out of Africa.

Jerry, a tard, just pulled a month-old M&M out of his ass.

 

Many Nazis were actually saddened by the news of Hitler's death.

Many retards were saddened by the news of Mr. Hooper's death.

 

Some Nazis maintained a pagan reverence for magical, flying valkyries.

Some retards maintain a pagan reverence for magical, flying Teletubbies.

 

Adolf Hitler and the Nazis produced the first Volkswagen.

Retards puke in Volkswagens... and about everything else that has four wheels.

 

Nazis going into battle wore distinctive steel helmets.

Retards going down stairs wear distinctive football helmets.

 

Adolf Hitler was also an artist.

Retards sculpt horses and pigs out of mashed potatoes.

 

Nazis like all things Teutonic.

Retards like to toot.

 

In 1945, Nazi Germany agreed to peace, ending WWII.

In 1998, Sammy (a tard) agrees to quit sticking his finger into the birdcage.

 

Nazis froze to death when attempting to invade Russia in the winter.

Retards tend to run around naked in the snow.

 

Nazis suffocated Jews in gas chambers.

Retards tend to suffocate themselves in abandoned refrigerators.

 

Some scholars argue that modern Nazis are outcasts of society who have not completely developed or matured socially.

BINGO!

 

Nazis, when armed with the tools of modern medicine, want to see all retards sterilized or exterminated.

Retards, when left alone with pointy things, tend to sterilize or exterminate themselves.

 

Nazis fastidiously polish their boots.

Retards fastidiously polish their tennis shoes.

 

Nazis are willing to take on any task to further their cause.

Retards do not need to take their cause any further.

 

Nazis enjoy simple German fare... Grandmuter's potato soup, hearty bratwurst, and strong ale.

Retards enjoy simple cafeteria fare... mashed green beans, meatloaf jello, and chocolate milk.

 

The Nazis helped produce the greatest war of this century.

Retards have helped produce some of the greatest wards of this century.

 

Nazis often carried Lugers at their belts.

Retards often have loogeys on their shirts.

 

Nazis are often recruited by a large, bald, gruff father figure.

Retards are often cared for by a large, bald, gruff orderly.

 

Nazis bang their heads to ear-splitting heavy metal music.

Retards bang their heads when Mr. Rogers sings, "Won't you be my neighbor".

 

Nazis drag hapless victims from behind their cars.

Retards drag used toilet paper from behind their shoes.

 

Nazis used the eagle in many of their insignia.

Retards love Big Bird t-shirts.

 

Nazis often left their homes in the care of big-boned disciplinarian housewives.

Retards are often left in the care of big-boned disciplinarian aides.

 

When threatened, Hitler hid in a bunker.

When threatened, retards hide in the closet.

 

Nazis were easily enraged by the adventures of Indiana Jones.

Retards are easily amused by the music of Spike Jones.

 

Nazis are epitomized by Pat Buchannan.

Retards are epitomized by Pat from Saturday Night Live.

 

Nazis believe the state should run every aspect of its citizens' lives.

Retards pretty much need the state to run every aspect of their lives.

 

In the Atlantic Ocean, Nazi U-boats terrorized the shipping lanes.

In the bathtub, retard floaties terrorize rubber ducky and other tubbie toys.

 

Nazis spit on Jews.

Retards spit up their juice.

 

Nazis wanted to get their fingers on Jewish gold.

Retards use their fingers when digging for gold.

 

Nazis forced Jews to wear badges indicating their religion. (a yellow Star of David)

Retards put badges on themselves indicating their deficiency. ("mY Nayme is SKipppY")

 

Nazis were good at following orders.

Retards are good at taking your order.

 

A Nazi's greatest ambition is to clean the human gene pool.

A retard's greatest ambition is to clean the swimming pool.

[Reno]

THE OJ TRIAL AS TOLD BY DR. SEUSS

 

 

I did not kill my lovely wife.

I did not slash her with a knife.

I did not bonk her on the head.

I did not know that she was dead.

 

 

I stayed at home that fateful night.

I took a cab, then took a flight.

The bag I had was just for me.

My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.

 

 

When I came home I had a gash.

My hand was cut from broken glass.

I cut my hand on broken glass.

A broken glass did cause that gash.

 

 

I have nothing, nothing to hide.

My friend, he took me for a ride.

 

 

Did you take this person's life?

Did you do it with a knife?

 

 

I did not do it with a knife.

I did not, could not, kill my wife.

I did not do this awful crime.

I could not, would not, anytime.

 

 

Did you hit her from above?

Did you drop this bloody glove?

 

 

I did not hit her from above.

I cannot even wear that glove.

I did not do it with a knife.

I did not, could not, kill my wife.

I did not do this awful crime.

I could not, would not, anytime.

 

 

And now I'm free, I can return

To my house for which I yearn.

And to my family whom I love.

Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!

[jason (FA-Q)]

Hey Scandinavia,

 

Your momma's like a brick...... Flat on both sides and laid by mexicans.

 

 

HA!HA!HA! ....That should piss 'em off! LOL!

[jason (FA-Q)]

Why don't people from Scandinavia celebrate Christmas?...

 

...Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.

 

 

HA!HA!HA!... Happy fuckin' new year!

[Reno]

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

 

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

 

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

 

What do you call male ballerinas?

 

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

 

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[Bubbasmama]

Forgive me if this has been posted before........it just cracks me up!!!

 

 

SEX QUIZ

 

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs,

Wife, Blowjob?

A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife,but

you can't beat a blowjob.

 

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

A.) So men can be open minded.

 

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?

A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

 

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A.) The longer you play with them, the harder

they get.

 

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?

A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow

your paycheck!

 

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...

A.) "Is it in?"

 

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and

the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

 

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just

had sex?

A.) One of his fingers is clean.

 

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

 

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have

in common?

A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the

rubber breaks, you're screwed.

[T-BONE]

The 9 Types Of Girlfriends

 

 

 

*Ms. Nice Guy: "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"

 

Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat

 

Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly

 

Disadvantages: May wise up someday

 

 

 

*Old Yeller: "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"

 

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell

 

Advantages: Pays attention to you

 

Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

 

 

 

*Sickly: "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"

 

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy

 

Advantages: Predictable

 

Disadvantages: Contagious

 

 

 

*The Bosser: "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."

 

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom

 

Advantages: Often right

 

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

 

 

 

*Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied: "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"

 

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey

 

Advantages: Easily soothed

 

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

 

 

 

*Wild Woman out of Control: "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."

 

Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out

 

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys

 

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

 

 

 

*Huffy: "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"

 

Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly

 

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you

 

Disadvantages: You will have no friends

 

 

 

*Woman from Mars: "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"

 

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic

 

Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable

 

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

 

 

 

*Ms. Dreamgirl: "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"

 

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous

 

Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited

 

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

[Bubbasmama]

Here's a list of things your wife (girlfriend) should say................in your dreams...!!!

 

 

1. I'll swallow it all...I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my p*ssy.

4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

5. That was a great fart! Please do another one.

6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you and then go

shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler?

10. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses?

[Christine]

Here's a fun little quiz...

 

 

Programming Language Inventor or Serial Killer??

http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

 

 

This is so weird... you REALLY can't tell!

[whiplash1972]

Here's a fun little quiz...

 

 

Programming Language Inventor or Serial Killer??

http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

 

 

This is so weird... you REALLY can't tell!  

Holy Crap! I scored 8/10!

I seem to know the difference between serial killers and programmers...is this good ........or bad?

[Bubbasmama]

Nine outta ten..........hmmmmmmmmmmmm................