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Things to brighten your day


Reno
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

 

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

 

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

 

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

 

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

 

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

 

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

 

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

 

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

 

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

 

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

 

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

 

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

 

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

 

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

 

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

 

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

 

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

 

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

 

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

 

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

 

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

 

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

 

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

 

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

 

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

 

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

 

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

 

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

 

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

 

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

 

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

 

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

 

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

 

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

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Hey Reno! (jackass), Do you really have to open up another topic ever time you visit this site? Can't you just put some of this stupid shit of yours on the same pages, rather than having a boat load pages for everyone to go through!? Maybe you just don't get it? Gee, I know! maybe you could open a new page for every fuckin' word that comes out of your god damn mouth!

AND! Quit typing all the shit you read in the news paper on to this site. If I want the joke of the day then I'll read the variety section. Thanks anyway!!

:D

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Ok, I'll add an opinion on the other side of the equation. I kinda dig Reno's posts ala "humour of the day". Granted, I've seen many of the individual one-liners before, but as far as I'm concerned, keep 'em coming...

 

-Dan

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Careful what you wish for jason, I have a big shovel. :P

 

Thanx Dan, I'm a big humor person. I think it helps ease the stress of everyday life. Too damn many people have their underwear stuck up their ass about stuff and need to laugh a little. Today's humor lesson:

 

 

The Perfect Dump

 

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

 

 

The Beer Dump

 

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

 

 

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

 

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

 

 

The Empty Roll Dump

 

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

 

 

The Splash Back Dump

 

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

 

 

The Childbirth Dump

 

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

 

 

The Machine Gun Dump

 

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

 

 

The Sound Effect Dump

 

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

 

 

The Cling-On Dump

 

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

 

 

The Whole Roll Dump

 

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

 

 

The Encore Dump

 

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

 

 

The Houdini Dump

 

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

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Joke Of The Day:

 

 

Jason went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem, in

that, he was unable to get his penis erect.

After a complete exam the doctor told him that the muscles around the

base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there

was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental

treatment that might be applicable, if he were willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's

trunk in Jason's penis.

Jason thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life

without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect

on the elephant, he decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his

newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in San Francisco.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs

that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the

pressure, Jason unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprung from

his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and then

returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her

face said: "Jason that was incredible. Can you do that again?"

Jason, with his eyes watering, replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure

that I can fit another roll up my ass."

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Hahaha....Good one Reno. Was that directed at jason, or was that just the name in the joke? I have a friend named Jason, I'll have to send him that :lol:

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 7 months later...

You'll feel smarter after you read these quotes - I did.

 

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,

because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but

we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

 

 

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I

can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all

those flies and death and

stuff,"

--Mariah Carey

 

 

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your

life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal

antismoking campaign.

 

 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

 

 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in

the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

 

 

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the

president,"

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

 

 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm

just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

 

 

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.

There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were

selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne

 

 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

 

 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in

our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

 

 

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

 

 

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like

Norman Einstein,"

--Joe Theisman, Former NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

 

 

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of

people,"

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

 

 

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President

 

 

 

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

 

 

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received

notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is

a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

 

 

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go

to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next

morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 

 

...Feeling smarter yet?

Send it on to your other brilliant friends, like I am doing

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PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just

 

inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts

 

and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One

 

for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several

 

dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he

 

thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to

 

investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for

 

you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, it's

 

Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on

 

his bike and rode off.

 

 

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come

 

here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the

 

Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat

 

it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

 

 

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by

 

the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for

 

me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's

 

see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through

 

the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy

 

gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried

 

to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

 

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you,

 

one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll

 

be done."

 

... They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the

 

boy on the bike.

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  • 8 years later...

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