STRESS RELIEF

[T-BONE]

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaraunt, and while sitting at his favorite regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of wine to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts the wine she will be his for the night. The waiter gets the wine and quickly brings it to the woman saying "It is from the gentleman on the table behind you." She looks at the man and then the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man after reading the note sends another note to her, it read: "Just so you will know, I have a ferrari testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty million in the bank.But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would i cut three inches off my dick. Just send back the wine."

[T-BONE]

A pitbull, doberman, and german shephard are all sitting in a cage. The pitbull turns to the other two and confesses"I killed the neighbors toy poodle and now they are going to kill me". The doberman replies"Oh yeah, I bit a dogcatcher and now they are going to kill me." The german shephard remains silent causing the pitbull to ask" What are you in for? The shepard confesses well my owner is a very attractive blonde lady and I seen her get out of the shower and bend over and decided to go get me some. The other two replied" so are they going to kill you too? The shepard replied" Hell no I am here to have my nails clipped.

[T-BONE]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to get up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asks, "What's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver".

[T-BONE]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my twin sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

[T-BONE]

A wife arrives home after a business trip and finds her husband in bed with a gorgeous coed. Just as the wife is about to storm out of the house, the husband says, “Before you leave you should know exactly how this came about. This afternoon Julie here rang our doorbell and asked for clothing donations for a charity. I gave her those shoes you no longer wear. I rummaged around and found that birthday sweater you hate and all the suits you claim don’t fit you anymore. So I donated them too. Then she asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ So, here we are.”

[Bubbasmama]

[T-BONE]

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?

MAN: He's at home.

CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy. The next day, the man returns.

MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?

MAN: He's at home!

CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat. The next day the man returns.

CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?

MAN: Put your hand inside.

CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?

MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

[T-BONE]

Everyone was seated around the table at grandmas as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

[T-BONE]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16 and I was 21?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember, said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I Would Have Gotten Out Today."

 

I Feel his Pain...............

[T-BONE]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[Christine]

 

Ahhh, life with a cat...

[Sith Lord]

A little boy is helping his grandfather rake leaves in the yard when he notices that he has raked a worm out of his hole. The boy feels bad and begins trying to stuff the worm back into the hole. The grandfather sees this and walks over to the boy, begins to chuckle, and says "You'll never get that worm back in the hole". The little boy replies "Sure I will grandpa" and he continues to try. The grandfather says "Ok, I'll bet you five dollars that you can't do it". The little boy, up to the challenge says "Ok". He tries to use a stick, but it doesn't work. He then stops and thinks for a minute and then runs into the house, only to return with a bottle of grandma's hairspray. He then sprays the worm with the hairspray and when it stiffens up, he slides the worm back into the hole. Grandpa let's out a laugh of astonishment and hands the boy a 5 dollar bill.

30 minutes later, the little boy is playing in the back yard when his grandpa walks over to him and hands him another five dollar bill. The little boy says "Grandpa, what's this for? You already gave me 5 dollars for the worm" And Grandpa replies "That's from your grandma!!"

[Bubbasmama]

T-BONE's sick twisted mind must be rubbing off on me......

 

My distance was 1026.7

 

And Bubba got a 1103.3 (aggressions here????? )

 

 

Penguin Wacking

[Rick]

Another cool penguin game, but I still can't crack 1000 (998.6). Any tips Bubba??

[Bubbasmama]

Another cool penguin game, but I still can't crack 1000 (998.6). Any tips Bubba??

LOL!!!! Yeah......have a wacko Mama and pretend the penguin is her!!!

[Rick]

Never mind, 1120.1.

[hsf]

MJ, I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pissed at you. Now I'm not only addicted to THIS site, I can't stop trying to whack the penguin! (And NO, that's not some new euphemism for something else! - but it does sound kinda funny like that, doesn't it?)

[Bubbasmama]

LMAO!!!! Yeahhhhhhhhhh.........it does sound kinda funny!!!

 

 

Oh......btw......today I got a 1218.7

 

 

NOT telling how many wiffs though!!!

[hsf]

NOT telling how many wiffs though!!!

Holy jeez! There's more whiffing now that when I really played baseball!

[hsf]

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!........... (ok, I think you get the idea)

 

I finally got one over 1000 - 1030.9 - yeah, I know it sucks, but I've been waiting forever, so it's a victory for me!

[Bubbasmama]

NOT telling how many wiffs though!!!

Holy jeez! There's more whiffing now that when I really played baseball!

You oughta see me on the golf course!!!

 

 

HURTS when you wiff at golf, too!!

[hsf]

You oughta see me on the golf course!!!

That's why I don't call what I do golfing...I call it little white ball whacking (again with the euphemisms!). Last time I played, I was pretty good hitting off the tee, but my iron game (or at least when I swung wildly with the iron) was pathetic. Once I graduate, I'm torn between guitar lessons and golf lessons. I'm leaning toward guitar, because at least that can be done year round and isn't constantly as expensive once you know how to do it.

[hsf]

Not only do the whiffs stink, do you know how many I've line driven into those damn spikes!

[Bubbasmama]

As much as I would LOVE to learn the guitar......I could / would NEVER give up my golf!!! Soooooooooooo addictive!!!

 

 

 

T-BONE or Reno or someone has probably already posted this.....but what the heck.....I just got it, and thought it was funny.....

 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs', and the good old fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount & Do."

 

 

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Verizon = Can you feel me now?

[hsf]

For those of you that try to knock the holy hell out of the penguin and have gotten over 1000; do you get that score regularly or are there a lot of lower scores and only a 1000 here and there?