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A True Story


Rockposer
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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary

submitted this:

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my

interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something

extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects

of the tazer were

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,

allowing her adequate

time to retreat to safety....??

 

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I

loaded two AAA

batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however,

that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same

time; I'd get the blue arc

of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

 

AWESOME!!!

 

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the

face of her microwave. Okay,

so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be

all that bad with only two

triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on

intently (trusting little soul)

while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try

this thing out on a flesh & blood

moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a

second) and thought

better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing

to my wife to protect herself

against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge

of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said

that a one-second burst

would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to

cause muscle spasms and

a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make

your assailant flop on the

ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be

wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less

than 3/4 inch in circumference;

pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)

thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head to one side as to say,

'don't do it dipstick,'

reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't

hurt all that bad. I decided to

give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my

naked thigh, pushed the

button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE

HELL!!!

 

I'm pretty sure THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR ran in through the side door, picked me up

in the recliner, then body

slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall

waking up on my side in

the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on

fire, testicles nowhere to be

found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and

tingling in my legs? The cat

was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame

hanging above the

fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping

all over the living room.

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of

caution: there is no such thing

as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing

until it is dislodged from

your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would

be considered

conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that

point), I collected my wits (what

little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses

were on the mantel of the

fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it

originally was. My triceps,

right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had

been shot up with Novocain, and

my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

 

Apparently I crapped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense

of smell was gone. I

saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm

still looking for my testicles

and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

 

P.S.. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now

regularly threatens me

with it!

 

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!

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