STRESS RELIEF

[Guest Dex]

That my be long like another part of you is with the swelling but it's damn funny any way get well soon........can we call you Claude or should I say clawed form now on rotflmao

[T-BONE]

Smoking Can Kill!!!

 

 

Smoking Can Kill

[Sith Lord]

So can my .270wsm Winchester....

[T-BONE]

A well-dressed man approached a voluptuous, beautiful young woman on the street and said, "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

 

"For a MILLION dollars?!" she replied, more than a little stunned, "Of course I would!"

 

"Well, would you sleep with me for twenty-five dollars?"

 

"Twenty-five dollars? Don't be ridiculous! What kind of girl do you think I am?!"

 

"We've already established what kind of girl you are; now we're just haggling over price."

[T-BONE]

Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

[T-BONE]

One evening John O’Reilly and his toastmasters club were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could come up with the best toast. John O’Reilly hoisted his beer high and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” With that, he was instantly awarded the prize of Toast of the Night. Later that evening, he went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” “Aye,” she said, “and what was your toast?” “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!” he replied. “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “Did you know John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?” “Aye,” she said. “I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”

[T-BONE]

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a sexy body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. Limp as a dish rag! On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine. Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at his penis, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!

[T-BONE]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would never have to run again. God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life! My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

[T-BONE]

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?" "Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose." "Wow, what does it look like after sex?" "Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

[T-BONE]

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds?

 

 

A: Cause there are 20 of 'em

[Bubbasmama]

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds?

 

 

A: Cause there are 20 of 'em

Groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!

 

[T-BONE]

Things To Ponder

 

1. Can you cry under water?

 

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just

"chunkydunk."

 

3. How important does a person have to be before they are

considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

 

4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

 

5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a

penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

 

6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you

were buried in for eternity?

 

7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 

8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it

would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies

wake up like every two hours?

 

10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a

hearing?

 

11. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

 

12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money

in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 

13. How come we choose from just two people for President and

fifty for Miss America?

 

14. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

 

15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear

loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have

signed up in the first place!

 

16. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could

simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

 

17. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you

haven't fallen asleep yet.

 

18. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

 

19 Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but

they can in prison?

 

20. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have

started with something called labor!

 

21. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live

forever.

[T-BONE]

OK.....More Shit to wonder about When you have nothing better to do:

 

 

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

 

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in the swimming pool?

 

3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

 

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

 

 

5. There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of The Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

 

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

 

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

 

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

 

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

 

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?

 

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

 

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

 

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

 

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

 

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . ...they're cramming for their final exam.

 

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

 

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

 

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

 

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

 

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

 

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

24. If you take an Oriental man and spin him in a circle until he's dizzy, does he become disoriented?

[T-BONE]

DOCTOR MOMENTS (True)

 

 

>A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

>~~~~~~

 

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

>~~~~~~

 

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

>~~~~ ~~

 

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

>~~~~~~

 

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch". The nurse told me to put a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

>~~~~~

 

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ... "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

>~~~~~~

 

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

>~~~~~~

 

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and

>further embarrassed him . He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'

[Bubbasmama]

Oh sh*t!! True fact is SO much funnier than fiction!!!

 

Those are hilarious!!

[Blue Charvel]

Oh sh*t!! True fact is SO much funnier than fiction!!!

 

Those are hilarious!!

Was that you in the cab?

[Bubbasmama]

Nope.......I was the one with big breaths!!!

 

 

*sigh*

 

 

[T-BONE]

Humina Humina Humina

[Bubbasmama]

The Genie

 

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a brass lamp and picked it up.

 

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the lamp and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

 

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am?

I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.

 

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that lamp forever."

 

Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said

"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"

 

The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.

 

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.

 

His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

 

God is good

[T-BONE]

Hahahaha...Check this shit out!

 

Like A Ton Of Bricks

[Bubbasmama]

That is SO not funny!!!

 

 

So why am I LMAO????

[T-BONE]

It reminds me of watching cartoons on Saturday morning when Wile E Coyote gets so caught up in what he's doing, he forgets to pay attention. I feel sorry for the guy that went down the stairs right before she does the lackluster swan dive

[Bubbasmama]

Well.......hopefully he was WELL outta the way......man, she fell HARD!!!

 

That had to hurt!!

 

 

Hmmmm.........did she sue then???

[T-BONE]

Sorry...I wasn't paying attention...Will you give me money?

[Bubbasmama]

Hope you're not a Lawyer T-BONE..........

 

Lawyers

 

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamp. They had

 

pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out

 

which side to spit on.

 

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future

 

lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

 

3. How does an attorney sleep?

 

First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

 

4. How many lawyer jokes are there?

 

Only three. The rest are true stories.

 

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

How many can you afford?

 

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and

 

one to sue the ladder company.

 

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and

 

you could save only one of them, would you go to

 

lunch or read the paper?

 

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

 

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

 

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

 

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.

 

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

 

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.

 

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

 

Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

 

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

 

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

 

16. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country

 

while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?

 

New Jersey got first choice.